The rain became harsh.

Storms brew more than usual.

Everyone is terrified of flooding except me.

I find it rather soothing, the rain washing away the gases of motor machines and toxic fumes of factories.

It’ll begin to smell like earth.

Then a rainbow will come right after.

It’s simple, the way a storm works alongside nature. It brings torrent disasters creating masses of greens of vegetation for the human race than afterward an iridescent of colors will come.

The perfect combination of dark and light work together.

I don’t mind using a bus to go places.

It has a particular smell.

You see different people.

The way they look with different hairs, eyes, mouths, and noses.

All intricate shapes and sizes

The bus is okay because the people are okay.

However, I wear earphones to slip out the noise surrounding me. I don’t like sound nor lights nor people. I want the quiet space, the time I take to be alone.

No one to distract me from working or from my thoughts. My gloomy day would be better spent at home sitting near my bay window sipping a warm cup of hot cocoa with a good book to read.

I felt the bus come to a halt which signals that my stop is here.

I walk off with the rest of the people, and I’m bombarded with smells, lights, storms, and crowds.

I can feel the anxiety crawling on my skin that makes me feel like I’ll explode in tiny pieces, yet I control myself.

“One, two, three, blue, purple, yellow, dogs, cats, lizards,” I repeat those words underneath my breath. It helps to calm myself whenever I’m in a situation where I don’t feel comfortable. I say them because they’re either something I like speaking or something that is a favorite of mine.

Like the lizard, I have a pet lizard that smiles, but I think he only smiles when I feed him crickets. Either way, he’s the only thing that can even make me laugh just from his real little bug eating self.

So innocent as an animal ignorant to the world around him.

I walk towards the bakery where I set up the tables and lounges for the customers to sit down in comfort.

I work at a small bakery in San Francisco.

I don’t know why a bakery, but I like the smell of flower and chocolate. It brings a sense of comfort and familiarity.

I then put on my apron waiting for a new customer to arrive. Only a few entries to order a cup of coffee. The storm makes its way soaking the crowd.

Some have left trails of wet steps behind them, leaving puddles so I would gladly clean up after them.

“Issa?” I turn from my spot as I brew a cup of coffee for the woman at the first cash register. My boss is a kind old woman who hired me knowing of my condition. She doesn’t force me to smile or be friendly to the customers as I have a hard time holding a conversation no longer than a minute which is taking people’s orders

“Yes, Mrs. Dooley?” I reply.

“Did you have a nice weekend?”

“Yes, it was quite lovely, my mother and I went to a museum of modern art.”

I don’t like to go out as I’ve mentioned, but I when I do, it has to be somewhere quiet and low lighting with very little or to none people.

Museums are the best places to go.

“How wonderful, I’m glad you had a nice time dear. How is your mother by the way? I hope her trip from Mexico wasn’t too hectic?” She asks.

“Fortunately, it was not,” my mouth hurts from speaking so much.

“I’m glad to hear. Don’t overwork too hard Issa. I’ll be back; I have a few errands to run. You’re in charge while I’m away,” she walks away from the bakery into the storm heading inside her small bug.

I was left with only two employees for the day, another one that is missing was rather late per usual.

“Hey Issa, Jade and I are going on break, you think you’ll be fine?” Ashley asked as I was giving a customer their pastry as they left a tip behind.

“I’ll be fine,” I answered, my voice monotone.

“Cool, we won’t take long.” The two leave to who knows where and I’m left enclosed with silence.

No customers or employees to bother.

It was my time of peace.

I close the blinds and flip the Open sign to Close. I tie my hair up with my blue ribbon, take my apron off, push my glasses back to the ridge of my nose, then I grab a broom turning on the music.

I dusted, washed, mopped and cleaned as quickly and efficiently as possible while the two were gone.

They usually take an hour or two to arrive back. I don’t mind: I don’t encourage it, yet I don’t stop the two girls either.

As I almost finish cleaning the shop, the door is banged heavily by the sounds of pounded fists. My heart rate speeds and my hand slips dropping the broom.

I slowly walk to the door, peeking through the window of who it is. It was the other employee who was soaked and irritated.

“Why are you late Jessica?” I ask.

“None of your business, why is the store closed.” She gives me an accusing tone of which I don’t take too kindly. However, I continue to stare at her, observing her next moves.

“You’re late again Jessica; I don’t like it.” I was never fond of her presence. It made me feel uneasy at times.

“Well lucky for me, I don’t do things to please you, Issa. Leave me alone, and get back to work,” I roll my eyes putting my apron back on.

“I’m in charge here until Mrs. Dooley comes back.”

“Oh yea, is there anyone here to know that?” She asks coley; she glares at me as I stand there, unmoving. My skin begins to feel hot as Jessica’s intense stare scrutinizes me. I’m the first to look away, prolonged eye contact is unsettling at times.

“Yes, the other employees...”

“They’re out, and I doubt they’ll care if you were put in charge anyway. When I’m here, you already know who has the last say.” She says this as if it’ll change their minds.

I still remember what happened the last time Jessica was in charge vividly, her idiot tendencies had put mine and other lives at risk for her stupidity.

“I don’t think your grandmother would like that,” I answer, and it’s because of her grandmother that she even has a job.

“Let me deal with her Issa, get back to work and flip the sign Open,” I’m only doing it because I was going to do it anyways, not because she said so.

Customers began to enter once again asking for coffee or a pastry. Others join for the free wifi or to study for classes. There was also a hippie that came in asking where Mary is while rambling on about how his eyes had seen big dogs that he’s ever witnessed. Something about giant wild animals roaming the national parks here in San Francisco.

“I swear to you, I ain’t ever seen anything like it.”

“I believe you.”

“Oh child, thank the lord someone listened! Stay away from the woods ya hear me!”

He seemed nervous and unhinged, so I calmly explained to the poor man that there’s no such thing as giant wild beasts and he had nothing to fear. As for Mary, I told him he couldn’t find any here unless he goes to a dispensary. He was kind enough to leave me his molly. I threw it down the toilet as soon as the old man disappeared.

Soon afterward, the other employees arrived from their lunch break who were full on cackling.

“Oh hey Jessica, when did you get here?” Jade asks.

“About an hour ago, by the way, you two are way over past your guys’ break time,” the two had their eyes widen in surprise.

They both stared at me for assistance, but I couldn’t say anything because it wasn’t necessarily a lie. I don’t tell the girls what to do, but I don’t stop them either which is partly my fault.

As I see it, they’re two adult women who made their decision. I don’t need to interfere with their choices. Maybe that’s why I haven’t received a higher position yet?

I lack the desire to be an authority.

“Oh c’mon Jess, give us a break. We lost track of time,” Ashley responds.

“Put on the apron and start helping out,” Jessica is a person who you’d have no intention in getting to know for the troublesome she brings, yet I admire her for the endurance to take action even when she looks horrible from the day before of her previous activities. I sometimes smell the foul after effects of alcohol under her breath.

She’s a party girl as her grandmother has mentioned before. I, on the other hand, have never been a party person, or a social person.

I lack desire for human contact in general.

The day has ended with the night emerging.

My shift at the bakeshop was over.

My boss, Mrs. Dooley had arrived acknowledging that we worked quite a hectic day, giving us time to clean up, wash away the mess, hang our aprons and walk out into the night returning home.

“Have a nice night Issa, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You have a nice night as well Mrs. Dooley,” I walk away slowly from the bakery heading for the bus stop. Not stopping at all even as I hear Mrs. Dooley speak once again.

“Alpha... what a pleasant surprise.”

From the hearing distance, I can tell Mrs. Dooley was greeting several people from her shop. The old woman greets someone named Alpha. I never heard someone of that particular name before.

I might have to research what it could mean other than a leader. Unfortunately, by then I’m gone from an earshot not knowing who her mysterious guests are.

They seemed important enough to keep the bakery going.

I didn’t stop from returning to help Mrs. Dooley with late-night customers.

She would be fine on her own.

I sat on the bus with my earphones in a while my eyes closed from the exhaustion I felt from working overtime.

It was a hectic day since the storm brought in drenched customers looking to get warm with a hot brew. The rain continues to wet the earth; the news had informed us the storm would last for a few days. Some of the crowd upon hearing this was bummed out. I, on the other hand, was ecstatic.

There were only a few other riders on the bus; it wasn’t filled at night when riding.

It was lonely almost.

Our driver, Max, makes excellent precaution to drive smoothly since he’s aware of my condition. He’s a kind old man who’s almost 55, 56 if next week comes to celebrate his birthday.

“How you doin’ this rainy night Issa?”

“I’m great Max.”

I feel like a broken record already.

“That’s great hun.” I grimace to the side of his rearview mirror.

“I have a pastry that I baked from the bakery; I think your wife will love it. It’s a sugar cookie with dried cherries. I experimented in the kitchen today,” right where my stops come; I stood from my seat walking over to give the pastry to my bus driver.

“Aw, very kind of you Issa. I’m sure my wife and I will love it. Your baking skills have improved,” he mentions with a smile only a few times I rarely see it that I have appreciated over time. I think Max and Mrs. Dooley are the only ones who I don’t mind having around nor do I mind the small embraces.

Max brings me in for a tight hug which I accept readily.

“Have a nice night Max.”

I enter into my home slipping my shoes off and dropping my bag near the table stand where my mail and other mess reside.

I can hear my mother in the kitchen with loud music blasting throughout the halls.

I don’t mind the sound as it drowns out my presence. Although, it’s pointless at times because my mother knows when I arrive anyways even with the music on.

“Hola mi’ja,” my mother greets me in Spanish.

“Hola mamá.” I greet her back.

“How was work?” She asks as I sit at the table opening mail.

“It was okay; the rain was very harsh today, so it was a very busy,” I mention.

“Oh... I’m sorry, I made tacos with red rice and two eggs just the way you like it. There’s also green salsa if you want any, I made sure your food is not touching.”

“You didn’t have to cook. I know you’re still tired from traveling so far.” I don’t like it when she exerts herself for me.

“Don’t start; you’re my baby. Of course, I’m going to feed you.” She pats me on the head then leaves a quick kiss on the left side of my temple.

I freeze every time she does that.

She knows I don’t like it. It’s pointless to remind her because I know she’ll continue to do it. So I let her proceed even if I don’t enjoy it.

“Did you rest well?” I ask as I dig into my food, I was starving.

I forgot my lunch bag, and I didn’t have cash on me. My boss had offered to pay for lunch when my break came, but I declined her offer respectfully. I do not like taking the pastry from Mrs. Dooley’ shop even if she does offer it to me. If I were the one who made it, I’d take it. If her hands made it, I won’t.

“Well, I called your dad from Mexico, and pretty soon he’ll be coming. He’s just fixing up the house for your grandmother. Then they’ll both come when we send them enough money.”

My father is away from the states staying in Guadalajara where our family ranch resides. One of the rooms had collapsed, and my parents left for an emergency. They took my grandmother as well to see her friends and family again.

I stayed behind to take care of the house and pay the bills here while they were away.

My mother came home early out of a worried intuition that I was alone and scared to be by myself.

It’s her excuse for saying she misses me.

However, I don’t miss her, ever.

“How’s the food?” She asks “It tastes great; the rice is excellent today mother.” She flinches from the use of the word “mother” as it is too formal. But it’s my way of endearment for her since I never hug or kiss her.

“Did you feed smiley?” I asked.

“I did, he’s fed.” I nod my head then stand up to wash my plate.

“Did you open the letter from the school you wanted to go to?” She asks with hopeful eyes, a smile so wide wishing her child will be accepted.

“I didn’t make it.” I walk away climbing the stairs; I grab my latter to the attic door to my room. There are two bedrooms and an attic, my parents and grandmother live here with me. So I took the attic, so they were able to have enough space.

I also took it because they rarely never go up into my sanctuary of solitude unless to feed Smiley.

I enter the dimly lit room, my bed on the far left corner where I have my nightstand with a lampshade, a water bottle, and an old sugar skull I bought from a flea market

I enter inside the dimly lit room, my bed on the far left corner where I have my nightstand with a lampshade, a water bottle, and an old sugar skull I bought from a flea market.

My writing desk on the far right where my art supplies reside next to my giant easel. On another desk is where my little lizard, Smiley, stays in his big tank. I turn the warm light on since he’s been under the cooling sun for a while now.

I notice his skin has stopped shedding on his foot.

I go to the restroom to bring back a cup of warm water and soap with several cue tips.

“Come here, boy,” he immediately walks into my palms burrowing his face between my thumb and index finger.

“Ooh, someone missed me huh?”

I grab the cue tip and dip it in the lukewarm water with soap to wipe away Smiley’s excess skin. He starts to make this rasp like purring sound as he rubs his head on my thumb.

“Oh, you like that boy don’t you.”

My mother always said I gave more affection to the lizard than I do to my family.

She’s right.

“I’m almost done. We don’t want you to lose your little toes now do we? Mm, and you had a heavy lunch huh? Ooh, you like it when you rub your head on my thumb.”

Moments like these are the only time I allow affection to take over. This animal has never spoken a single mean word to me, has never shown greed, selfishness or any other human trait that are cons. This little lizard is the only thing that allows me to give affection without receiving anything in return.

I love it.

“Okay, you’re all cleaned.”

I put Smiley back in his tank where he greedily takes several licks of water.

Greedy lizard.

After showering and preparing for bed, I do a little light reading before falling asleep.

My glasses droop from my nose, falling towards the tip as I engross myself into the book.

Several minutes pass by where my world turns to darkness enclosed by the sweet sound of tittering raindrops hitting my window.

My bedroom silent except for the peaceful rain.

A loud, thunderous storm hits my windowpane where I jolt awake from slumber. My eyes roam around the attic, my body slick with sweat, and my head is pounding from an enormous headache.

The hairs on my neck rise from the eerie and unnerving feeling of another presence.

I don’t feel alone.

I drop my book unto the floor, my glasses fall to my lap, and my lights go out. The storm had begun to rain uncontrollably to the point where it seemed something wanted to come in.

My window is open as I turn from the left.

Something had come in.

I scurry to the window closing it shut quickly, the level of anxiety creeps over. I grab my bat just in case, who knows what had tried to enter my room.

A bang was heard near my desk.

I try to squint through the darkness, but I couldn’t see much. I put my glasses on for a better view, but my world was still dark.

I walk over to pick up my color pencil cup.

I don’t recall ever dropping it.

I continue to walk around the attic; a reasonable person would have screamed or cried for help in this particular situation.

Except for me, I’m not normal. 

I check on my lizard Smiley; he was hiding underneath his rocks for safety.

“Oh don’t worry boy, I got you.” I open his tank slipping my hand inside, automatically he climbs into my hand burrowing his head between my thumb and index finger as always. I fix up the room as much as I could, it was a slight mess, and it didn’t help that leaves were left on a trail.

It took my head a while to realize the trail had to be made by another person. My windows pop open from the dominant force of the storm’s wind. Or so I’d like to think. The windows bang back and forth indicating whatever was in my bedroom was gone for now.

I didn’t tell my mother what happened last night. Even as she mentions the noises, she heard from upstairs. I brush it off as if it were nothing.

“I’m just saying mi’ja, there was a crazy storm last night, and you never know what kind of people will do to come in and steal stuff during a storm. I mean... it is San Francisco.” She takes a sip of her warm coffee.

“Okay, mama.” I put on my coat, grabbing my bag, leaving my home strolling towards the bus stop.

While waiting near a bus stop, the hairs on my skin rise, the flesh of goosebumps, my skin cold, the anxiety within me trying to reach over a full cup. I take my earphones out looking around for any signs of someone near.

There was no one.

The bus came to a halt, Max opening the door for me, several people walking out while I walk in.

“Good morning Issa,” he tips his hat as I swipe my bus pass.

“How did you and your wife like the pastry I made?” I ask as I put the bus pass back into my purse.

“It was very delicious actually, you know Issa, you should have your very own bakery one day!” He mentions it as I could do it.

With what money?

“It’s true but you know I want to be an artist Max. The bakery is just a skill I picked up along the way.” I go to sit in my seat while Max closes the doors. However, they did not close all the way as a hand had blocked it from sealing shut.

“Oh, another rider?” Max questions.

“Yea sorry about that.” I look up from my seat to notice a man.

“Destination?”

“Same one.”

My eyes had widened, and my heart rate sped.

I was feeling overwhelmed.

“Take any seat,” Max says as the stranger places his change into the box, then he takes a seat across from me. I didn’t know where to look; he was frighteningly handsome. Even more so than usual.

A literal sense of a Greek god.

Speaking of Greek gods, did you know that Hades never kidnap Persephone.

Interestingly enough, Persephone was walking through the meadows, and she happens to find the gates of the underworld, entered, and liked what she saw. Also, her original name was Kore which means little girl while Persephone means Destroyer or Bringer of Chaos.

And-

“Mm uh hello.”

I snap from my thoughts immediately.

The gorgeous man who I had forgotten about was talking to me.

Or at least he was attempting to speak with me.

“Hi.”

I sat still, unmoving, quiet, calculating his moves. He was the unknown territory and a new person. Someone who I do not want to take the time to get to know.

“It’s a nice morning isn’t it?” He asks.

“For a while,” my jaws start flex internally.

It will begin to feel like exhaustion for wasting words of air to this stranger.

“You from around here.”

I nodded my head to acknowledge him until my attention was towards my phone. From the corner of my eye, I notice Max gripping the steering wheel. He’s not pleased with this interaction, and neither am I.

“You’re a tough cookie aren’t--” I slip my earphones on, turning the volume to the highest level hoping the stranger will get the hint.

From the looks of it, he’s irritated.

The bus had come to a halt at the end of our destination. I slip my earphones off, standing to my meek height.

“See you later Max.” I bid my farewell.

The stranger follows suit until Max stops him to interrogate him. I mentally thank him for delaying the man’s steps, so he doesn’t find out where I work.

The doorbell chimes were signaling my arrival.

A few customers here and there, not too busy as the sun is out for a short time.

It won’t be long till the storm comes again.

“Issa, Mrs. Dooley wants to see you in her office,” I nod my head and leave the cash register to Jade.

My first thoughts were I’m fired.

I knew I wouldn’t last very long here. Maybe a customer had complained.

“Issa, come in.” I enter her office swiftly while I was taking a seat in front of her.

“Is something the matter?” I asked.

My body still, my fingers twiddling, pulling the rubber band, letting it go to hit my skin.

A red brand of irritated skin.

“Nothing at all, I just wanted to discuss important matters with you.” She stands up closing the door behind us.

My full attention is towards her.

“Is it about me not smiling to the customers. I tried that once, and one guy said my smile creeped him out. I don’t think people like my smile.”

I don’t like smiling anyway.

“No, it’s not that Issa. I wanted to talk about my will.”

Now I am confused.

“Your will? Are you sick?”

I cannot comprehend death fully nor do I understand the severity of a loss. I never shed a single tear the day my family and I had lost my grandpa. I even had to stay in the far back so that I wouldn’t offend anyone.

“Not yet.”

“Then shouldn’t you be discussing these matters with Jessica?” Mrs. Dooley rolled her eyes while opening a file.

“We both know Jessica is anything but reliable. You are however exceptionally reliable. You’re organized, cleaned, detailed oriented and polite. At times you can be very irritant to the customers but only because they don’t know you. I want you to be the next heir to my little bakery when I pass this life of mine.”

My eyes had probably blinked several times.

There was no way this was going to be all mine and Jessica would not fight me on this.

“You’re granddaughter will fight you. Maybe even take this to court.”

Of course, I would say something negative. I can’t accept something of Mrs. Dooley who graciously gave me her shop.

“As I’ve said, let me deal with her.” I blink again, stay silent, then stood from my chair.

“Thank you for the offer, but I have to decline. It’s not mine.” I say.

“No, it’s not yours. It’s mine, which means it’s yours when I’m dead. The will has already been made. You will have it along with the assets of this bakery with the additional properties over California. There’s several here. Maybe about five altogether, either way, it’s yours when I’m gone. Consider this as a promotion Issa. Get back to work now.”

She left no room for arguments.

I get back to my station near the second cash register. Several customers had come in. The other employees and I had passed the time by baking or brewing coffee for ourselves for the day were slow.

The door had chimed in signaling that another customer was entering. I was busy drawing intricate designs on a piece of napkin, the designs resembling of my pet leopard gecko.

“Two cups of coffee, one with three shots, two sugars, the other pure black. And throw in a cookie too.” I was too engrossed in the drawing that I didn’t even acknowledge the customer.

It took me about several minutes before Jade took it.

“Sorry sir, I’ll have your order ready. Issa, pay attention,” Jade pinches my arm making me flinch from her touch. My first reaction was to swing my hand and swat her.

I stopped myself from making that mistake again digging my nails into my skin.

“That’ll be $7.09 for the order,” I mess with machine opening its box so I can put the money inside.

The man gave me twenty dollars.

Our hands had touched while taking the money. From the sound of it, his sigh was of content. I look up to pass his change back, but it was none other than the stranger from the bus ride.

“Oh...”

“Well hello to you too.”

It was the creeper.

“Hello.”

“I didn’t know you work here,” I hate small talk.

“That’s because I never told you.” He chuckles as he rubs his hand at the scruff of his neck out of nerves.

I observe him; he had dark hair. Eyes that seemed to be a high-intensity blue that I’ve ever seen, his chiseled jaw moves with his face as he speaks. He has a few laugh lines which mean he’s either happy or stressed; I’m going to go with stress.

“You have a name.”

“Yes.” I always sound rude.

“Care to share?” He asks.

“No.”

“Here’s your order sir.” Jade comes back with the strangers’ food and drinks.

“Can you have her pass it to me.” What an odd request.

“Uh... sure. Pass it to him, Issa.” She whispers that part slowly.

“I don’t want to,” I answer.

“Don’t be stubborn and do it. You want to get back to drawing right?”

I hate it when she puts my interests against me.

Reluctantly, I take the order of the man and pass to him. Once again, our fingers touch, my anxiety creeping over. My breath is being held inside by the way he lingers over.

Creep.

“Thank you, Ms.?”

“Her names Issa!” Jade answers.

“Issa.” He says my name smoothly as if it were butter gliding through his tongue in sweet and salty serenity.

“Goodbye.” My attention span for the stranger is now limited to zero. I return my focus to the drawing. The door opens and shuts letting me know the man was gone.

“Issa how can you not tell that that man wanted you,” Jade asks in a high pitch voice.

“I don’t know.” I shrug it off.

“Sometimes I can’t tell if you like dudes.” That should be offensive.

Again, I shrug it off.

“Sometimes I can’t tell where your off button is.” Ashley laughed at us while Jade glares walking away to clean the restrooms.

“Did I make her mad?” I ask Ashley.

“A little, but she’ll get over it.” I nod my head understanding what she means.

“Hey... the girls and I are thinking about going camping for two days at the Bay Area. Care to join? We’ll be swimming, eating s’mores, looking at animals, you know... all that fun stuff.”

Didn’t that man mention not to go anywhere near the woods?

“No.“I hate the outdoors.

“Oh c’mon, it’ll be fun. There will be boys.”

“No.”

“Issa, have a little fun. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think. I’ll even make sure you share a tent with me.”

“I’ll think it over.”

My answer will still be no.

“Great, let me know by tomorrow. We have two days to prepare and pack.”

So irresponsible.

“Okay...”

I was finally left alone.

After work, I went home straight after as usual.

Upon entering inside, my mother was watching a telenovela. Something about an evil twin wanting the lead female.

“Hi baby, how was work.”

“The same,” I answer as I go over through the mail.

“Oh, that’s nice honey.”

“I was invited to go camping,” I tell her.

“Really?” She pauses her show, stands up and walks over leaning on the wall to my right.

“Yes. I declined Ashley’s offer.” I answer.

“I think you should go.” I widen my eyes in surprise.

She never let me out of her sight often. It was out of the ordinary.

“I don’t want to.”

“Well I’m saying you should, text Ashley and let her know you’re going, we’ll buy the stuff you need to have fun.”

I groan in utter annoyance.

I didn’t want to spend my weekend alone with a group who don’t know me nor do they even want to. Let alone, spend the night in the wild filled with dirt, bears, moose, and birds.

I don’t like the outdoors.

“Go shower and eat. Your food is being warmed up.”

I leave a short text to Ashley saying yes to her invite. She answers immediately saying how excited she was to have me come. She gave me a list of resources we might need. All I saw was cash going down the drain out of our pocket.

I don’t understand money but I know if you need something, you lose something.

I put my phone to charge and open Smiley’s tank.

“C’mon boy.”

He crawls into my hands where he rubs his head near my thumb as usual.

I cuddle him close to my chest as I lay back down, opening my book, reading several chapters.

As the night progressed, the storm had awoken once again.

At first, the rain was only sprinkling dancing against my window softly. Smiley was cuddling into my neck for the comfort of my chest rising up and down in a soft rhythm.

Afterward, the rain had turned into a storm, full of lightning and thunder.

It made Smiley jump in fright.

“Oohh there boy, nothing to worry.” I grab ahold of him getting up from my bed, slipping him back into his tank.

He wouldn’t let go.

His tiny hands held onto my thumb tight.

“What has gotten into you tonight?” I ask silently; the only sound came from his raspy purring.

He was scared of something. My windows then burst open as lightning struck, the lights went out, and Smiley was terrified. He was shaking in the palms of my hands.

“Why are you so scared?”

I jump from the slight fright by the thunder, I look over my wall, and behind was the shadow of a broad man standing behind and over my small frame. I turn around to see a man standing on the other side near my window, just as he was here, he was gone in a second disappearing from the flash of lightning covering his tracks.

Smiley was still shaking.

My anxiety has crept over.

My thoughts were running amuck.

I was not alone.

“One, two, three, blue, purple, yellow, dogs, cats, lizards,” I repeated those words about 20 times or so till I couldn’t stand any longer.

I didn’t move from my spot.

I couldn’t move.

I was in shock.

The feeling of being scared was foreign to me.

I was scared.

I do not know how to handle it.

Last night was unexpected.

I didn’t mention what I saw to my mother because I knew she would overreact.

All I understand is next time another intruder wants to crawl through my window; he’ll be in a lot of pain.

My mother and I went to several stores to buy the necessities I will need for this camping trip.

I hate it.

“Oh, do you think you’ll need this? Never mind we’ll buy it anyways.”

I rolled my eyes and walked away knowing my mother will buy me anything she believes will be a necessity. It’s exhausting to be around her when she shops. I keep my sunglasses on, my earphones into a low minimum, so I’m able to hear my mother.

“Issa come here.” She calls out.

“Yes?” I answer.

“Try these on. I don’t know if they’ll fit you, you have very tiny feet.”

I put the hiking boots on my mother brings me. My toes can’t even reach the heal. My head leans to the right, I was becoming tired, almost like my mind was elsewhere while my body stayed here.

“They don’t have smaller?” I ask.

“No... we can try men size.” I groan in annoyance.

“I’m starting to regret saying yes,” I mumble.

“Don’t start with me. You’re going, and that’s final.” I look around the store seeing anything I like. There was a dark brown jacket with many pockets. It was big and warm on the inside.

I take it off from the rack and pull it over my body. I always had an eye for the odd things. Whether it’s crazy print, shapes, or weird embellishments.

My eyes always appeal to the weird.

“See that jacket is working for ya? You want it?” My mom asks.

I nod my head and hold onto it bringing it close to my chest.

I don’t ask for a lot.

When I do, it’s for the simplest things.

After we return home, I go upstairs to the attic where I pack my things preparing myself for the worst.

I’m not a physical person.

I’ve rarely worked out in my life unless you count high school gym class? I had never seen the point of it. I open my lizard’s tank, slipping my hand inside. Smiley is crawling into my palm rubbing his head.

His raspy like purr soothing my nerves.

“I don’t like nature, Smiley. Should I lie and say I’m sick?” I ask him as I pet his head smoothly.

“No... they know I rarely lie. What if they make fun of the way I walk or hike. We both know I have a weird spring in my step.”

No answer, just a smiley lizard.

“Maybe I can pretend to be dead and move to another country?”

Nothing but purrs coming out of this lizard.

“Thanks, you’re so helpful.”

I put him back into his tank, feed him crickets, then turn his heat lamp. The next morning was harsh; I didn’t expect the weekend to come so soon. I didn’t want to leave home. I wanted to stay in my warm, comfortable bed.

“Ready Issa?” Ashley asks as her boyfriend stuffs my bag in the trunk.

“I guess so,” I answer.

“Great, you can sit next to Craig if you want.” I nodded my head as I hug my mother goodbye.

“If I do not return by Monday, I’m dead. Find my body and burn it please.” My mother tries to swat me, but I leave her to embrace as she chuckles waving goodbye to my friends and me.

“I like your mom. She’s so nice.” Jade says.

“Yea... I guess so.” I answer.

Throughout the drive, as we passed through the Golden State Bridge, everyone was bombarding me with random questions. Some I couldn’t even answer because of how fast they spoke. The man named Craig, who sat on my left, would ask personal questions, some that would also make me feel hot on my cheeks.

“So... Issa, when’s the last time you went on a date?” He asks once again, even as I blasted my earphones on.

He slips one out of my ear.

I dig my nails into my skin because my reflex would not be stopped to swing at a moments notice.

“None.”

My reply was cut short.

“What do you mean none? Like never?” He asks.

“Yep.” I slip my earphones back in yet he slips it out once more.

The little turd won’t take the hint.

“So are you saying you’re a virgin?” Thank goodness for the loud music they’re blasting and their nonstop loud voices to even connect what Craig was saying.

“I didn’t say that. I said I never date.”

“Oh, so you’re those girls that take it from the back then huh? Religion right?”

How is that even relevant?

“My beliefs or faith has nothing to do in regards to my sexuality.”

“Then why not date?” The questions are becoming very exhausting to answer.

“Because I do not want to.”

“Damn... fine I get it.” Craig lifts his hands in surrender.

“Prude.” That last part he whispered.

“Turd.”

I didn’t whisper.

We made it to the park rangers office so we would have a slip of permission for our parking and a map to guide us.

“Issa come help me unload here,” Ashley calls out.

I walk over to her grabbing several bags handing each one to the other people in our group.

“So... how do you like Craig?” She asks me, wiggling her eyebrows.

“I don’t.”

“What? Why?” She seems surprised.

“Stop trying to set me up with people. You know how I work.” That was the first time I had ever snapped at Ashley.

“Okay... I won’t try again okay. Promise.”

We walked through the trails trying to find our way to the nearest lake. They said they wanted to be able to go swimming. Jade began to complain throughout the walk, Craig and his friends would walk behind us to keep us “safe,” and Ashley would try to keep her mouth shut but I know she wants to persuade me in giving Craig a chance.

“Issa...” I sighed in annoyance.

“Yes, Ash?” No use in dodging her questions.

“I worry about you at times. Don’t you want to find somebody?” She asks me.

I didn’t answer her.

I thought her question though.

There was a small percent chance of me finding a potential partner. I do not enjoy giving someone the time or wanting to know their interest. It is of no importance to me.

I can research how to be a loving wife or girlfriend. But I will never be a girlfriend. I cannot give a significant other my attention. I have the mind span of a child. One minute you’re nothing to me, the next you are my only focus when I decide you are.

It’s not that I never wanted a boyfriend.

I don’t lack the desire either.

The reason is I don’t know how.

We made it towards the lake my group wanted to go to, and it was magnificent.

The landscape took my breath away.

The beauty of nature I can appreciate.

The simplicity of an ecosystem integrating into one whole. I can enjoy it and even desire to capture it. My desire is burned out quickly like a burned out light as I swap a fly on my arm.

I hate nature.

Our camp was set, the fire was burning, and everyone else went swimming. I, on the other hand, stood behind to draw the landscape. My peaceful concentration was short lived when Craig sat down next to me.

“So... uh... can I sit?” He asks.

“I don’t know, can you?”

“Hah very funny.”

“I was not trying to be.”

I continued sketching the lake while Craig sat there in silence.

He did not last any more than 2 minutes.

I counted.

“Look about the things I said earlier--”

“Don’t mention it.”

Hey Issa! Come swim with us!” Jade shouts all across from the pool.

I stood up from the spot leaving him be. Stripping off my clothes and sprinting towards the lake. I can’t swim correctly, but I can float.

“You swim funny,” Jessica comments.

“Your bikini is too big. You sure you’re the right size?”

She swims away dipping her whole body inside the lake. Ashamed she might have put some weight on her body.

Girls can be so easy.

The rest of the night was spent singing, laughing and making s’mores.

I ate 6 s’mores.

I was that hungry.

“So Issa, wanna sing a song?” Jade asks me as she cuddles up next to the man who I have no clue to who he is.

“No,” I answered.

“Oh c’mon Issa, you have an amazing voice. I’ve heard you sing a couple of times before when you would bake.” Jessica compliments which take me by surprise.

“I don’t want to.”

“Okay leave her alone. She doesn’t have to sing.” Ashley defends for me, but I stood up from my log.

“I’m going to go pee,” I announce.

“Don’t stray too far okay Issa.” Ashley comments.

I grab my roll of toilet paper, a flashlight, a shovel, and a plastic bag as I walk off to do my business.

I hate nature.

I could never live in the wilderness.

It’s dirty and unsanitary.

However, if I were to live here, I would live in a beautiful cabin with all of my necessities. In pure solitude from civilization with my pet lizard. How is Smiley doing? My chest hurts for some reason; it has an aching feeling I can’t describe.

I may have to research myself.

As I walk back slowly, I hear a twig snap.

I turn my head from the direction it was coming from. A low growl can be heard.

Whatever it was, it was not far from me.

“It better not be a bear.”

I turn around continuing my thoughts until I stumble into Craig.

“Hey... you following me?” He jokes yet I merely stare in the boredom of no reaction.

“You can stop trying. I don’t like you.”

As I begin to walk away, Craig grabs ahold of my arm.

His hand was putting pressure on me.

More than I usually would allow.

“You know, it’s been damn frustrating to get you to notice me. You’re a freak. It’s like you’re not even attracted to me. Do you like girls? Is that it? C’mon tells me about all the püssies you’ve licked then huh.” His breath was on my face, his hand squeezing my arm. My heart starts to rise, anxiety overfilling the cup, and my hands ball up into fists.

“L-let g-go...” I felt like I was 15 again when I was hurt before.

Not again.

“C’mon, Jessica mentioned you like it rough. Pressure on you huh? You like to be forced.”

“What?”

My thoughts are running around, jumbling to think straight. It hurts to think because I want to be rid of this mans touch off of me. He then pushes my body against a tree, gripping my legs, spreading them apart.

This should be where I scream for help; it doesn’t come out. I never had to yell before. I wasn’t allowed to cry.

This will hurt.

I don’t want to be poked again.

“Let g-go...”

I’m so weak.

It’s true, I am.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

“It sure feels like you don’t want to. You’re not screaming or fighting me. You might even like it huh?”

Far from it.

His hand wraps around my throat, moving my jaw, his tongue licking my face, his crotch rubbing my thighs.

He wants to get access.

My hands fall limply from either side of me. I won’t fight back because this is a battle that I will lose quickly.

The zipper runs down, broken by his clumsiness. My pants down to my knees, my jacket off of my body, shirt unbuttoned, my bikini bra moved to the sides of my breasts.

He turns my body over, the tree leaving red marks on my body by now, his index finger forcing its way inside of me.

I’m dry; it will hurt if I don’t try.

One, two, three, blue, purple, yellow, dogs, cats, lizards.

Lizards equal Smiley.

Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley,Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley, Smiley.

I repeat my pet lizards name as Craig tries to make my body secrete.

“Fuck this.”

He became too impatient.

I hear his zipper pulled down; his belt unbuckled, what comes next is the new nightmare to come.

Except Craig wasn’t it.

“Agh!!!! Get the fuck o-off of me!!! Aghhhhh, HELP! HELP!!! HELP!!!”

I close my eyes and cover my ears. Growls and snarls from a wild animal attacking Craig.

I turn around slowly to look at what caused Craig’s death.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

At least it’s not my blood.

I bend down to lift my pants up, fixing myself back up. I stare at the wolf devouring its victim. The scent of metallic reeks within its coat.

It tears the flesh after flesh after flesh. My perpetrator’s eyes were wide open seeing his doom by a vicious animal.

The wolf does not bother to turn around and face me. I walk back slowly making sure to not bring its attention to me. Everyone else comes running seeing as to what happens.

“Oh m-” Ashley covers Jade’s mouth.

Everyone is walking back slowly.

One of the guys had stepped on a twig in half; the wolf stops feeding off of Craig. Turns around and faces us all.

It was no ordinary wolf.

It was over my frame of 5′2; there was no physical way this wolf should be significant. Its black coat matches the night, it’s eyes bright, yellow, it glows as if the emotions are heightened. It lifts its nose into the air, its face contouring to that of disgust, it growls lowly, towards us.

My friends back away slowly.

I stay still in my spot.

“Issa come on!” Jade pleas for me to move.

I can’t.

“Come on, just walk slowly.”

The wolf stalks me, lays its nose near my stomach, sniffing me as if it’s imprinting my scent to memory.

My body vibrates of calamity one moment, the next I’m calm. This animal was giving me the pleasure of serenity as it lays its nose near palms.

It’s as if it wants me to pet it.

“You’re friends crazy; we’re leaving now!” One of the guys says this and the wolfs snaps at him as if disagreeing with his argument.

“Yo, where’s Jessica?” The other guy asks.

“Issa we need to find Jessica.” Jade please again, I try to move from my spot. However, the wolf growls.

As if displeasure that I left him with no contact of my palms.

“Ohh, Jessica! Girl move away from that wolf! It just ripped Craig apart!” Jade exclaims.

Jessica stood still, glaring at me.

“This is her. Take her from you so damn want her that much! I did my part Alpha.”

“WHAT!?” Everyone was confused.

So was I.

The wolf moves away from me crouching low, the sounds of bones crunching, snapping in half. It was a sound I will never forget. The wolf was forming itself into a formation that I would have never believed to be ever right.

It was a man.

“You have some explaining to do Jessica.”

This was not how I planned my weekend in the woods to be like.