Deserted

 

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Prologue

Things fail for a reason. Sometimes it's not yet meant to happen or it's really not meant to happen. 

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Desert 1

Chapter 1: Favorite

I laid my back on my bed and stared at the ceiling of my room. Huminga ako nang malalim. My fingers run through the embossed title of the book that's sitting on my stomach. It was a good read. The emotions in my chest were raging and all I could do is to close my eyes and let it simmer. 

Beautiful, it was so beautiful. Every woven word was written to help each other stand out in the light. 

Kumalampag ang pinto ng aking kwarto at napabangon ako dala ng gulat. My sister barged in and walked to my pile. Basta niyang nilabas ang mga laruan ko dati na nakasilid sa isang malaking box.

"I didn't allow you to touch my chessboard," kalmadong sita ko kay Gin. She's my younger sister—half-sister to be exact, mother side. Tumayo ako't nilapitan siya. Kinuha ko ang chessboard sa kanyang kamay at muling binalik 'yon sa loob ng box.

"Teach me how to play chess, Ate. Please," she begged. Her eyes were even twinkling but I'm sorry, if that works on our Mom, it doesn't for me.

"No. Stop touching my things and get out of my room," mariin kong sabi sa kanya. I'm trying my very best to remain calm. My sister and I are not like any other siblings who're inseparable. Being away from her would be the best thing in the world if one would ask me.

Nakita ko ang mariing paglunok ni Gin. Lumihis ang kanyang tingin sa sahig, mistulang nagmamakaawa. Lihim naman akong napangisi.

"How about we just play with your dolls Ate?" Bigla niyang kinuha ang mga manika ko na nakasilid din sa kahon. Nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang ginugulo na niya ang buhok noong mga manika ko. Stop, please.

"Stop touching my things! You have your own toys!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong sigawan siya. Para namang walang narinig ang kapatid ko't patuloy pa rin siya sa kanyang ginagawa. Tinanggal niya pa ang mga damit ng manika nang walang halong pag-iingat. Like those things doesn't matter at all. Oh of course! Why would it matter to her? E, hindi naman sa kanya 'yon para ingatan.

"Angelica Nicoline! I told you to stop!" I exploded. My heart's beating so fast. Halong inis at kaba ang nararamdaman ko. Natatakot akong baka masira niya ang mga manikang iniingatan ko mula no'ng ibigay 'yon sa akin ni Daddy.

"Yna! Stop yelling at your sister!" Pabalibag na binuksan ni Mommy ang pinto ng kwarto ko. She came to my sister's rescue. Ganoon naman parati, there's no need for me to act like this is all new.

"Tumigil na kayong dalawa. Change your clothes, kanina ko pa sinabing aalis tayo," aniya. Napairap na lang ako sa kawalan. I don't really want to go out with them.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me young lady! Hindi kita tinuruan ng ganyan!" sita niya sa akin. I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

Ang lawak ng bahay namin pero sa kahit anong sulok nito, walang lugar para sa akin. I am my mom's first born, I should at least get some respect from my sister, or at least, as a person from my mother. I'm getting neither of both.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung saan nanggagaling ang galit sa akin ni Mommy. Kahit wala akong ginagawa ay mainit ang ulo niya sa akin. It's insane!

Binagsak ko na lang ang aking sarili sa kama. The fire in my chest is still raging coupled with the intense bloodbath in my head. Kumuyom ang aking kamao at nagtagis ang aking panga sa sobrang galit.

Bumuga ako ng hininga at pinilit kong kumalma. Bumangon ako't dumiretso sa aking cabinet para kumuha ng isusuot sa pupuntahan naming birthday party nila Mommy. Kung puwede lang sana na hindi sumama.

Matapos kong magbihis ay inayos ko ang aking buhok saka nagpulbo.

Kinuha ko naman ang isang libro na binigay sa akin ni Daddy noon at nilagay sa maliit kong bag. I always bring a book with me tuwing aalis kami nila Mommy, and this happen to be my go-to book. Dante's Inferno, hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko na itong nabasa. There are some parts though that I still do not understand because of its deep vocabulary.

Bumaba ako sa may sala saka naupo sa sofa. My mom and Gin are taking so long to get dressed. Kinuha ko ang isang magazine sa center table pero agad din akong nabagot sa kakabasa noon.

I sat on the couch lazily as my eyes drew on the moon prints on our carpet. I suddenly pictured a red moon inside my head, with this girl who has a beautiful silver hair.

"Mommy, bili tayo ng dolls mamaya okay?" ani Gin habang pababa sila ni Mommy ng hagdan. Tumayo ako't hinintay sila sa bukana.

"Okay. Later," my mom said.

Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa suot kong dress pati na rin sa aking kapatid. And without thinking twice, I stormed my way to my room to get changed! I am in no way going out in public matching dresses with my sister! Though white ang akin at pink ang kanya, still!

Mom drove our old Corolla. I sat on the backseat and my sister did so too. Medyo mahaba ang biyahe namin papunta sa Solaire kung saan gaganapin ang birthday party ng kaibigan ni Mommy. It's too grand though.

Gin got bored in the middle of the ride. Pinanood ko siyang ilabas ang isang maliit na coloring book sa bag niya, and a couple of colored pens I might add. Alintana niya ang paggalaw ng sasakyan habang nagkukulay. Hindi ko naman siya matiis na panoorin, especially when she colors outside the line, I can't help but cringe...a lot.

It was quarter to two in the afternoon when we arrived at the hotel.

"Beatrice family," my mom said at the concierge. Ngumiti ang babae sa kay Mommy at saglit na may tiningnan sa kanyang listahan.

"Right this way ma'am," ani no'ng babae. Dinala niya kami sa aming table kung saan naroon ang ibang kaibigan ni Mommy. Some of them brought their sons and daughters too.

I recognize one of them, he's my classmate and my... I don't know, suitor? Though I never acknowledged his presence, he remains persistent. I kind of admire his will though.

"Hi Yna," nakangiting bati niya sa akin. I only nodded and stirred my attention away. Nilabas ko ang baong libro at nagbasa. I stopped at Canto III if I'm not mistaken.

Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay napansin ko ang paggalaw niya. He moved a seat closer to me. Bahagya akong nairita sa ginawa niya. I am reading, and I hate being disturbed while I'm reading!

"Ano 'yan?" tanong ni Zon. Napairap na lang ako.

"Inferno," tiniis kong 'wag ipahalata ang iritasyon sa aking boses. Zon was smiling ear to ear and it's already creeping me out.

There's no way I could concentrate reading my book again so I just kept it in my bag. I turned my attention to Zon.

"Can you stop it?" I scowled. Mas lalo lang namang lumawak ang ngiti niya, if that's even possible. I can't believe that our moms are actually friends!

"Kinakausap mo na ako," aniya. Suot pa rin ang kanyang ngiti. He's enjoying getting attention from me huh?

I seldom talk to people in my school who has an interest on me. I am young, and I know people my age are very curious. Well, I am curious. But I am curious differently.

I have friends though, namely Farah and Giana. We're not classmates for this year because they got separated from me. Nalipat sila sa kabilang pilot section at naiwan akong mag-isa.

"Is there something to be happy about that?" I asked sternly. I saw how his eyes gleam in admiration that actually sent shivers down my spine. Kinikilabutan ako sa kanya.

Hindi ko maintindihan.

"Secret," kindat niya.

I think I'm going to get sick!

I might have read a couple of romantic books, but I am not a fan of love itself. Or even crush, or whatever humans call it.

To care is a flaw, and so does love. I've seen it fail too many times so I should know.

"Stop it," seryoso kong saad kay Zon. Hindi ko na siya pinansin ulit. I carried on with my boredom just like that.

Wala pang balak umalis si Mommy kung hindi magmamaktol si Gin na pumunta ng mall.

"Bye Yna," kaway ni Zon. Tiningnan ko lang naman siya. It's kind of my way of acknowledging his presence.

Pinanood ko naman si Mommy na bumeso sa ilang mga kaibigan niya habang nagpapaalam. It took us three long hours in that event. Thank heavens for Gin! Hindi ko ata kakayanin kung tatagal pa kami ng isang oras doon.

"Ate may I borrow your book?" aniya. Nag-aalangan pa ako kung ibibigay ko ba ang libro ko. In the end, I lent it to her.

Medyo mahaba ang biyahe namin papunta sa mall gawa ng traffic. May malapit naman na mall sa hotel but Mom picked the mall that's near our house instead.

Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa tanawin sa labas. Nag-aagaw na ang kulay ng langit. Napangiti ako. I just love the color of the horizon, tranquil.

Gin caught my attention by humming a nursery rhyme. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang makita ko ang ginagawa niya sa librong binigay sa akin ni Daddy.

Agad kong inagaw ang Inferno sa kanya at wala sa isip na pinalo siya sa kanyang hita.

God, I'm so mad!

Nagtatagis ang aking panga sa sobrang galit. Huminto naman si Mommy sa tabi at nag hazzard.

"Anong ginawa mo sa kapatid mo Yna!" she yelled. Inaalo niya ang umiiyak na si Gin. Pinalipat niya pa ito sa passenger seat.

"Lumatay 'yong palo mo sa kanya, lintik ka!" ani Mommy. Pasok sa isang tainga, labas sa kabila.

My eyes are glued on my book. There are writings everywhere. Oh god.

"Mag sorry ka sa kapatid mo!" sigaw sa akin ni Mommy. Kinagat ko ang ibaba kong labi para mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. My book...

"Sinabing mag sorry ka, isa!" sigaw niya ulit sa akin.

My eyes shot up at hers. Batid ko ang galit sa kanyang mga mata. Of course, why not? I just spanked her favorite daughter for ruining my book.

Well, buti sana kung simpleng libro lang ito na niregalo sa akin. But it is not. The first owner of this classic was my dad's great grandma passed on to his mom, to my dad, and finally to me. It is my responsibility to keep this book in good condition until I pass it to my child.

Iningatan nilang lahat ito at hinayaan ko lang na masira siya. I'm such a disgrace!

Kaso hindi ko nagawa nang dahil kay Gin.

Common sense dictates! Na kapag nanghiram ka ng gamit ng iba, iingatan mo ito. Saan ba nilagay ni Gin ang common sense niya!

"Tinititigan mo ako? Hindi ka hihingi ng sorry sa kapatid mo?" sabi ni Mommy. Naririndi na ako sa boses niya.

It's clearly Gin's fault! Bakit ako ang kailangang humingi ng sorry? Dahil lang pinalo ko siya? That kid needs discipline and a brain! Masyado na siyang spoiled kay Mommy, she needs to learn.

"No," sagot ko kay Mommy. Matalas ang mata niyang nakatitig sa akin. She can never tame me with that. I won't compromise. Kahit pagalitan niya pa ako pagdating namin sa bahay, I don't care. I'm not going to apologize for something I'm not even sorry for. Never.

"You're grounded," hatol niya. I rolled my eyes, I don't care if she sees. Fine! Grounded kung grounded! That's even the best thing I've heard all day! She's actually doing me a favor here. Grounded means freedom for me. I get to live a quiet life for the mean time. It's just me and my books, nothing to interfere. No Gin, no Mom...nothing. Like I don't exist.

Sumalampak ako sa kama pagdating namin sa bahay. Sunod-sunod ang patak ng luha ko habang tinitingnan ang librong sinira ni Gin. I'm sorry Dad, I have failed you.

Nang pumunta kami sa mall kanina ay hindi ako pinapansin nila Mommy. Alintana ko na 'yon, sanay naman na ako. If one day she'll confess to me that I'm adopted, I wouldn't be surprised. Not at all.

Niyakap ko ang malaking bear na bigay sa akin ni Daddy. Bihira lang kami magkita kasi ayaw ni Mommy na nagkakalapit kami. She hates my father so much, alam ko naman ang history nilang dalawa and I don't know what makes my mom so furious up until now.

They were high school sweethearts. Bata pa sila noon at naging mapusok. My mom had me when she was nineteen. Dad didn't know that my mother was pregnant when he flew to France because of a family matter that time. He returned a month after pero ayaw na siyang kausapin ni Mommy. Mom was the one who burned the bridge between them. I get where she's coming from but not hearing my father's side is unfair.

Dad loved my mother so much It took him awhile to move on, kahit pa nagkaroon ng bagong boyfriend si Mommy, he still loved her. And that man, if I am not mistaken happens to be Gin's father. We lived with him for a while. I forgot his name though, yet I can still recall how handsome he is. Hindi ko lang malaman kung bakit hindi dala ni Gin ang apelyido ng lalaking iyon.

I'm not carrying my father's name either. Hindi iyon pinahintulutan ni Mommy. Dad threatened her with a lawsuit but my mom is partly human and a demon. Ipapalaglag niya raw ako kapag ipinilit iyon ni Daddy sa kanya.

My dad had no choice but to live with it. I don't know why he agreed with that. It's his right!

Umupo ako't pinunasan ang aking mga luha. Kinuha ko ang laptop ko sa may bedside table. Binuksan ko ito para sana mag-iwan ng message kay Daddy sa mail. But my mom already changed the password of our internet. Hindi ko naman puwedeng tawagan si Daddy dahil kinuha rin ni Mommy ang cellphone ko.

Months passed, grounded pa rin ako. The only thing I hate with being grounded is my inability to connect with my dad. I miss him so much. Siya lang naman ang kakampi ko sa mundo.

"Ms. Beatrice, ikaw ang representative ng section niyo para sa Science Quiz Bee," sabi sa akin ng Science teacher ko. Ngumiti't tumango lang aman ako kay Ma'am. Sanay naman na ako sa ganito. I like competing, it's my drug. I like seeing people lose, I like seeing them in pain.

Because seeing them like that is like seeing my own reflection. It's good to know that I'm not the only one suffering in this world. That's how I cheer myself up.

I won the title for that quiz bee, I'm my batch's champion. Lumipas ang ilang linggo at nanatili pa rin akong grounded sa bahay.

"Merry Christmas Mommy!" bati ni Gin kay Mommy. She planted a sweet little kiss on our mom's cheek.

I couldn't care less though. My only wish right now is to get out of this house and visit my father. I don't know how long has it been. Apat na buwan na ata akong grounded if my memory serves me right. And even on Christmas Eve!

Pinanood ko si Mommy na iabot kay Gin ang malaking regalo nito.

Ang regalo ko naman ay nakalagay lang sa maliit na pulang sobre. She'll bother herself finding my sister the perfect gift samantalang ako...never mind.

Tinanggap ko na lang ang binigay ni Mommy, idadagdag ko na lang ito sa ipon ko.

"Aren't you going to eat Yna? I cooked Menudo, your favorite," nakangiting sabi sa akin ni Mommy. What now? This is the first time she talked and smiled at me again since that night I got grounded.

"Later Mom, I'm not hungry," tamad kong saad. Wala talaga akong gana. I want to talk to my dad and greet him. That's the perfect gift for me.

"Yna, don't spoil this night," paalala niya sa akin. Hindi na lang ako umimik at nilampasan si Mommy. I went to our balcony for some fresh air. I could feel happiness in the air...well at least, everyone else in our neighborhood is happy. I wish I could be too.

Umalis ako sa balcony at napadaan sa kitchen. Nakita ko sa bar counter and cellphone ni Mommy. Hindi ko na pinigilan ang sarili ko, agad kong kinuha 'yon at tinawagan si Daddy.

"Hello Amanda?" sagot ni Daddy sa kabilang linya. Kusa naman akong napangiti nang marinig ko ang boses ni Daddy.

"Daddy this is Yna," sabi ko. Nag-iinit ang gilig ng aking mga mata. If only I could leave this house and live with my dad instead. Bakit ba hindi na lang niya ako kuhain kay Mommy? I'd gladly choose him in court.

"Merry Christmas Yna! Sorry Daddy can't visit you. Ayaw ng Mommy mo," malungkot na sabi sa akin ni Daddy sa kabilang linya. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha kong lumalandas sa aking pisngi. This is more than enough, Daddy.

"I love you Dad-"

Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko kay Daddy dahil may umagaw ng cellphone sa akin. It's my mom. Agad niyang pinatay ang tawag saka niya ako kiladkad papasok sa kuwarto niya.

"What are you doing Yna? Do you have to talk to your Dad? Am I not enough!" sigaw sa akin ni Mommy nang ibagsak niya ang pinto pasara. I can feel her frustration creeping to my stomach. It's too strong to ignore.

"I want to talk to my dad," simpleng saad ko. Kahit gusto kong sagutin ang sinabi niya kanina, I still need to respect her because of a certain norm.

"Why is it always your Dad?" she asked. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong magpakawala ng maliit na ngisi.

"Why is it always Gin?"

Is she talking about favorites? Well I guess I am her child after all, there's no doubt about it. It is all so clear now. I got this trait from her.

I laid my back on my bed and stared at the ceiling of my room. Huminga ako nang malalim. My fingers run through the embossed title of the book that's sitting on my stomach. It was a good read. The emotions in my chest were raging and all I could do is to close my eyes and let it simmer. 

Beautiful, it was so beautiful. Every woven word was written to help each other stand out in the light. 

Kumalampag ang pinto ng aking kwarto at napabangon ako dala ng gulat. My sister barged in and walked to my pile. Basta niyang nilabas ang mga laruan ko dati na nakasilid sa isang malaking box.

"I didn't allow you to touch my chessboard," kalmadong sita ko kay Gin. She's my younger sister—half-sister to be exact, mother side. Tumayo ako't nilapitan siya. Kinuha ko ang chessboard sa kanyang kamay at muling binalik 'yon sa loob ng box.

"Teach me how to play chess, Ate. Please," she begged. Her eyes were even twinkling but I'm sorry, if that works on our Mom, it doesn't for me.

"No. Stop touching my things and get out of my room," mariin kong sabi sa kanya. I'm trying my very best to remain calm. My sister and I are not like any other siblings who're inseparable. Being away from her would be the best thing in the world if one would ask me.

Nakita ko ang mariing paglunok ni Gin. Lumihis ang kanyang tingin sa sahig, mistulang nagmamakaawa. Lihim naman akong napangisi.

"How about we just play with your dolls Ate?" Bigla niyang kinuha ang mga manika ko na nakasilid din sa kahon. Nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang ginugulo na niya ang buhok noong mga manika ko. Stop, please.

"Stop touching my things! You have your own toys!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong sigawan siya. Para namang walang narinig ang kapatid ko't patuloy pa rin siya sa kanyang ginagawa. Tinanggal niya pa ang mga damit ng manika nang walang halong pag-iingat. Like those things doesn't matter at all. Oh of course! Why would it matter to her? E, hindi naman sa kanya 'yon para ingatan.

"Angelica Nicoline! I told you to stop!" I exploded. My heart's beating so fast. Halong inis at kaba ang nararamdaman ko. Natatakot akong baka masira niya ang mga manikang iniingatan ko mula no'ng ibigay 'yon sa akin ni Daddy.

"Yna! Stop yelling at your sister!" Pabalibag na binuksan ni Mommy ang pinto ng kwarto ko. She came to my sister's rescue. Ganoon naman parati, there's no need for me to act like this is all new.

"Tumigil na kayong dalawa. Change your clothes, kanina ko pa sinabing aalis tayo," aniya. Napairap na lang ako sa kawalan. I don't really want to go out with them.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me young lady! Hindi kita tinuruan ng ganyan!" sita niya sa akin. I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

Ang lawak ng bahay namin pero sa kahit anong sulok nito, walang lugar para sa akin. I am my mom's first born, I should at least get some respect from my sister, or at least, as a person from my mother. I'm getting neither of both.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung saan nanggagaling ang galit sa akin ni Mommy. Kahit wala akong ginagawa ay mainit ang ulo niya sa akin. It's insane!

Binagsak ko na lang ang aking sarili sa kama. The fire in my chest is still raging coupled with the intense bloodbath in my head. Kumuyom ang aking kamao at nagtagis ang aking panga sa sobrang galit.

Bumuga ako ng hininga at pinilit kong kumalma. Bumangon ako't dumiretso sa aking cabinet para kumuha ng isusuot sa pupuntahan naming birthday party nila Mommy. Kung puwede lang sana na hindi sumama.

Matapos kong magbihis ay inayos ko ang aking buhok saka nagpulbo.

Kinuha ko naman ang isang libro na binigay sa akin ni Daddy noon at nilagay sa maliit kong bag. I always bring a book with me tuwing aalis kami nila Mommy, and this happen to be my go-to book. Dante's Inferno, hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko na itong nabasa. There are some parts though that I still do not understand because of its deep vocabulary.

Bumaba ako sa may sala saka naupo sa sofa. My mom and Gin are taking so long to get dressed. Kinuha ko ang isang magazine sa center table pero agad din akong nabagot sa kakabasa noon.

I sat on the couch lazily as my eyes drew on the moon prints on our carpet. I suddenly pictured a red moon inside my head, with this girl who has a beautiful silver hair.

"Mommy, bili tayo ng dolls mamaya okay?" ani Gin habang pababa sila ni Mommy ng hagdan. Tumayo ako't hinintay sila sa bukana.

"Okay. Later," my mom said.

Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa suot kong dress pati na rin sa aking kapatid. And without thinking twice, I stormed my way to my room to get changed! I am in no way going out in public matching dresses with my sister! Though white ang akin at pink ang kanya, still!

Mom drove our old Corolla. I sat on the backseat and my sister did so too. Medyo mahaba ang biyahe namin papunta sa Solaire kung saan gaganapin ang birthday party ng kaibigan ni Mommy. It's too grand though.

Gin got bored in the middle of the ride. Pinanood ko siyang ilabas ang isang maliit na coloring book sa bag niya, and a couple of colored pens I might add. Alintana niya ang paggalaw ng sasakyan habang nagkukulay. Hindi ko naman siya matiis na panoorin, especially when she colors outside the line, I can't help but cringe...a lot.

It was quarter to two in the afternoon when we arrived at the hotel.

"Beatrice family," my mom said at the concierge. Ngumiti ang babae sa kay Mommy at saglit na may tiningnan sa kanyang listahan.

"Right this way ma'am," ani no'ng babae. Dinala niya kami sa aming table kung saan naroon ang ibang kaibigan ni Mommy. Some of them brought their sons and daughters too.

I recognize one of them, he's my classmate and my... I don't know, suitor? Though I never acknowledged his presence, he remains persistent. I kind of admire his will though.

"Hi Yna," nakangiting bati niya sa akin. I only nodded and stirred my attention away. Nilabas ko ang baong libro at nagbasa. I stopped at Canto III if I'm not mistaken.

Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay napansin ko ang paggalaw niya. He moved a seat closer to me. Bahagya akong nairita sa ginawa niya. I am reading, and I hate being disturbed while I'm reading!

"Ano 'yan?" tanong ni Zon. Napairap na lang ako.

"Inferno," tiniis kong 'wag ipahalata ang iritasyon sa aking boses. Zon was smiling ear to ear and it's already creeping me out.

There's no way I could concentrate reading my book again so I just kept it in my bag. I turned my attention to Zon.

"Can you stop it?" I scowled. Mas lalo lang namang lumawak ang ngiti niya, if that's even possible. I can't believe that our moms are actually friends!

"Kinakausap mo na ako," aniya. Suot pa rin ang kanyang ngiti. He's enjoying getting attention from me huh?

I seldom talk to people in my school who has an interest on me. I am young, and I know people my age are very curious. Well, I am curious. But I am curious differently.

I have friends though, namely Farah and Giana. We're not classmates for this year because they got separated from me. Nalipat sila sa kabilang pilot section at naiwan akong mag-isa.

"Is there something to be happy about that?" I asked sternly. I saw how his eyes gleam in admiration that actually sent shivers down my spine. Kinikilabutan ako sa kanya.

Hindi ko maintindihan.

"Secret," kindat niya.

I think I'm going to get sick!

I might have read a couple of romantic books, but I am not a fan of love itself. Or even crush, or whatever humans call it.

To care is a flaw, and so does love. I've seen it fail too many times so I should know.

"Stop it," seryoso kong saad kay Zon. Hindi ko na siya pinansin ulit. I carried on with my boredom just like that.

Wala pang balak umalis si Mommy kung hindi magmamaktol si Gin na pumunta ng mall.

"Bye Yna," kaway ni Zon. Tiningnan ko lang naman siya. It's kind of my way of acknowledging his presence.

Pinanood ko naman si Mommy na bumeso sa ilang mga kaibigan niya habang nagpapaalam. It took us three long hours in that event. Thank heavens for Gin! Hindi ko ata kakayanin kung tatagal pa kami ng isang oras doon.

"Ate may I borrow your book?" aniya. Nag-aalangan pa ako kung ibibigay ko ba ang libro ko. In the end, I lent it to her.

Medyo mahaba ang biyahe namin papunta sa mall gawa ng traffic. May malapit naman na mall sa hotel but Mom picked the mall that's near our house instead.

Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa tanawin sa labas. Nag-aagaw na ang kulay ng langit. Napangiti ako. I just love the color of the horizon, tranquil.

Gin caught my attention by humming a nursery rhyme. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang makita ko ang ginagawa niya sa librong binigay sa akin ni Daddy.

Agad kong inagaw ang Inferno sa kanya at wala sa isip na pinalo siya sa kanyang hita.

God, I'm so mad!

Nagtatagis ang aking panga sa sobrang galit. Huminto naman si Mommy sa tabi at nag hazzard.

"Anong ginawa mo sa kapatid mo Yna!" she yelled. Inaalo niya ang umiiyak na si Gin. Pinalipat niya pa ito sa passenger seat.

"Lumatay 'yong palo mo sa kanya, lintik ka!" ani Mommy. Pasok sa isang tainga, labas sa kabila.

My eyes are glued on my book. There are writings everywhere. Oh god.

"Mag sorry ka sa kapatid mo!" sigaw sa akin ni Mommy. Kinagat ko ang ibaba kong labi para mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. My book...

"Sinabing mag sorry ka, isa!" sigaw niya ulit sa akin.

My eyes shot up at hers. Batid ko ang galit sa kanyang mga mata. Of course, why not? I just spanked her favorite daughter for ruining my book.

Well, buti sana kung simpleng libro lang ito na niregalo sa akin. But it is not. The first owner of this classic was my dad's great grandma passed on to his mom, to my dad, and finally to me. It is my responsibility to keep this book in good condition until I pass it to my child.

Iningatan nilang lahat ito at hinayaan ko lang na masira siya. I'm such a disgrace!

Kaso hindi ko nagawa nang dahil kay Gin.

Common sense dictates! Na kapag nanghiram ka ng gamit ng iba, iingatan mo ito. Saan ba nilagay ni Gin ang common sense niya!

"Tinititigan mo ako? Hindi ka hihingi ng sorry sa kapatid mo?" sabi ni Mommy. Naririndi na ako sa boses niya.

It's clearly Gin's fault! Bakit ako ang kailangang humingi ng sorry? Dahil lang pinalo ko siya? That kid needs discipline and a brain! Masyado na siyang spoiled kay Mommy, she needs to learn.

"No," sagot ko kay Mommy. Matalas ang mata niyang nakatitig sa akin. She can never tame me with that. I won't compromise. Kahit pagalitan niya pa ako pagdating namin sa bahay, I don't care. I'm not going to apologize for something I'm not even sorry for. Never.

"You're grounded," hatol niya. I rolled my eyes, I don't care if she sees. Fine! Grounded kung grounded! That's even the best thing I've heard all day! She's actually doing me a favor here. Grounded means freedom for me. I get to live a quiet life for the mean time. It's just me and my books, nothing to interfere. No Gin, no Mom...nothing. Like I don't exist.

Sumalampak ako sa kama pagdating namin sa bahay. Sunod-sunod ang patak ng luha ko habang tinitingnan ang librong sinira ni Gin. I'm sorry Dad, I have failed you.

Nang pumunta kami sa mall kanina ay hindi ako pinapansin nila Mommy. Alintana ko na 'yon, sanay naman na ako. If one day she'll confess to me that I'm adopted, I wouldn't be surprised. Not at all.

Niyakap ko ang malaking bear na bigay sa akin ni Daddy. Bihira lang kami magkita kasi ayaw ni Mommy na nagkakalapit kami. She hates my father so much, alam ko naman ang history nilang dalawa and I don't know what makes my mom so furious up until now.

They were high school sweethearts. Bata pa sila noon at naging mapusok. My mom had me when she was nineteen. Dad didn't know that my mother was pregnant when he flew to France because of a family matter that time. He returned a month after pero ayaw na siyang kausapin ni Mommy. Mom was the one who burned the bridge between them. I get where she's coming from but not hearing my father's side is unfair.

Dad loved my mother so much It took him awhile to move on, kahit pa nagkaroon ng bagong boyfriend si Mommy, he still loved her. And that man, if I am not mistaken happens to be Gin's father. We lived with him for a while. I forgot his name though, yet I can still recall how handsome he is. Hindi ko lang malaman kung bakit hindi dala ni Gin ang apelyido ng lalaking iyon.

I'm not carrying my father's name either. Hindi iyon pinahintulutan ni Mommy. Dad threatened her with a lawsuit but my mom is partly human and a demon. Ipapalaglag niya raw ako kapag ipinilit iyon ni Daddy sa kanya.

My dad had no choice but to live with it. I don't know why he agreed with that. It's his right!

Umupo ako't pinunasan ang aking mga luha. Kinuha ko ang laptop ko sa may bedside table. Binuksan ko ito para sana mag-iwan ng message kay Daddy sa mail. But my mom already changed the password of our internet. Hindi ko naman puwedeng tawagan si Daddy dahil kinuha rin ni Mommy ang cellphone ko.

Months passed, grounded pa rin ako. The only thing I hate with being grounded is my inability to connect with my dad. I miss him so much. Siya lang naman ang kakampi ko sa mundo.

"Ms. Beatrice, ikaw ang representative ng section niyo para sa Science Quiz Bee," sabi sa akin ng Science teacher ko. Ngumiti't tumango lang aman ako kay Ma'am. Sanay naman na ako sa ganito. I like competing, it's my drug. I like seeing people lose, I like seeing them in pain.

Because seeing them like that is like seeing my own reflection. It's good to know that I'm not the only one suffering in this world. That's how I cheer myself up.

I won the title for that quiz bee, I'm my batch's champion. Lumipas ang ilang linggo at nanatili pa rin akong grounded sa bahay.

"Merry Christmas Mommy!" bati ni Gin kay Mommy. She planted a sweet little kiss on our mom's cheek.

I couldn't care less though. My only wish right now is to get out of this house and visit my father. I don't know how long has it been. Apat na buwan na ata akong grounded if my memory serves me right. And even on Christmas Eve!

Pinanood ko si Mommy na iabot kay Gin ang malaking regalo nito.

Ang regalo ko naman ay nakalagay lang sa maliit na pulang sobre. She'll bother herself finding my sister the perfect gift samantalang ako...never mind.

Tinanggap ko na lang ang binigay ni Mommy, idadagdag ko na lang ito sa ipon ko.

"Aren't you going to eat Yna? I cooked Menudo, your favorite," nakangiting sabi sa akin ni Mommy. What now? This is the first time she talked and smiled at me again since that night I got grounded.

"Later Mom, I'm not hungry," tamad kong saad. Wala talaga akong gana. I want to talk to my dad and greet him. That's the perfect gift for me.

"Yna, don't spoil this night," paalala niya sa akin. Hindi na lang ako umimik at nilampasan si Mommy. I went to our balcony for some fresh air. I could feel happiness in the air...well at least, everyone else in our neighborhood is happy. I wish I could be too.

Umalis ako sa balcony at napadaan sa kitchen. Nakita ko sa bar counter and cellphone ni Mommy. Hindi ko na pinigilan ang sarili ko, agad kong kinuha 'yon at tinawagan si Daddy.

"Hello Amanda?" sagot ni Daddy sa kabilang linya. Kusa naman akong napangiti nang marinig ko ang boses ni Daddy.

"Daddy this is Yna," sabi ko. Nag-iinit ang gilig ng aking mga mata. If only I could leave this house and live with my dad instead. Bakit ba hindi na lang niya ako kuhain kay Mommy? I'd gladly choose him in court.

"Merry Christmas Yna! Sorry Daddy can't visit you. Ayaw ng Mommy mo," malungkot na sabi sa akin ni Daddy sa kabilang linya. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha kong lumalandas sa aking pisngi. This is more than enough, Daddy.

"I love you Dad-"

Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko kay Daddy dahil may umagaw ng cellphone sa akin. It's my mom. Agad niyang pinatay ang tawag saka niya ako kiladkad papasok sa kuwarto niya.

"What are you doing Yna? Do you have to talk to your Dad? Am I not enough!" sigaw sa akin ni Mommy nang ibagsak niya ang pinto pasara. I can feel her frustration creeping to my stomach. It's too strong to ignore.

"I want to talk to my dad," simpleng saad ko. Kahit gusto kong sagutin ang sinabi niya kanina, I still need to respect her because of a certain norm.

"Why is it always your Dad?" she asked. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong magpakawala ng maliit na ngisi.

"Why is it always Gin?"

Is she talking about favorites? Well I guess I am her child after all, there's no doubt about it. It is all so clear now. I got this trait from her.

 

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Desert 2

Chapter 2: Tell Me

Mom didn't talk to me much after Christmas. She also lifted my punishment. I am grounded no more. Binalik na rin niya ang phone ko and I finally have access to the internet kaya madalas ko nang nakakausap si Daddy. I'm going to celebrate New Year with him and his family.

"Wala kang nakalimutan?" tanong sa akin ni Daddy nang sumakay ako sa kotse niya. I simply smiled and shook my head. I didn't know what else to do after Christmas Eve. I was like a wandering soul for the past four days. I didn't know where to settle, until Dad's new wife insisted to invite me over and celebrate New Year with them.

"How's school? Ilan na umaaligid sa'yo?" nakangising tanong ni Daddy. He keeps on asking me that, kung may umaaligid ba sa akin, kung may manliligaw ba ako, it's sickening!

"School's fine Dad, and walang umaaligid sa akin." At least. There's Zon though. But I could handle him.

I'm only a fifth grader for heaven's sake! Bata pa ako para sa mga ganito. Dad shouldn't be thinking about any of this yet. I am not thinking about it so it shouldn't bother him. I do not have any plans in engaging in any relationship, with any of my schoolmates.

Though I am still so young, something deep within me has already grown because I nurtured it, and I shouldn't have. I cherished the hatred in my heart. Inside my chest is a paradise of thorns and scorching heat. However, ice is also abundant. I could be the coldest human being, or the most destructive. And as I loathe those people whom I should love, I'm also hating myself for my becoming.

At a young age of eleven, I already know how it's like being alone in the world. I know that it doesn't revolve for me, the world revolves for itself. And no matter how I seek for attention, no matter how I yearn for it, I already know that I don't always get what I want, and those things that I deserve.

This is what life has already taught me...

I am aware that I shouldn't live up to society's standards. Yes, I should be able to adapt but I cannot let them dictate my way of living. I am still so young to be able to think this way, and I may be one of society's rejects. People are always afraid of things that are out of their norms. Yet, I don't believe that society is the enemy. My real enemy is myself.

"Hmm...totoo ba 'yan?" naniningkit na mga matang tanong sa akin ni Daddy. Umiling na lang ako't umiwas ng tingin. There's no way I'm going to tell him about Zon. I admire his persistence though. I couldn't recall how many times I've turned him down.

I don't get why people my age are so thirsty for romantic love and being in a relationship. What's good about love? It's a flaw, a fatal one. I should know, I've seen it fail too many times.

"Your Tita's really excited to see you," ani ni Daddy. He meant Tita Ria, his wife. Sumilay ang isang ngiti sa akin. I like Tita Ria for my dad. She's very welcoming and sweet. Sweet to the extent that I like her more than my mom.

"Kumusta pala si Raphael? Can he say daddy now?" tanong ko. Raphael is my half-brother, one-year old pa lang siya. Dad kept on complaining about Raphael, hindi pa kasi nito sinasabi ang word na daddy o kahit dada man lang. But my brother can utter mama already, Dad's just jealous.

"He said dada one time when he was pooping," pagalit na saad niya. Hindi ko naman napigilang matawa dahil doon. Natawa na lang din si Daddy sa akin...I wish I can just live with them.

"How are you Yna? How's living with your mom and Gin?" seryosong tanong niya. He knows about my issues, I can hardly keep it from him. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung nagagalit din ba siya, most of the time kasi he's trying to make me understand why my mom and my sister are like that. He's always telling me that he would really be sad if I let myself drown in anger.

The last thing I want in this world is to disappoint my father...so I try and try really hard to understand even though my mom, most especially, is illogical.

"I'm fine Dad, everything's fine," I lied. I wanted to tell him how Gin destroyed the book he gave me. How it became the main reason why I couldn't talk to him for months. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't take it anymore. Hirap na hirap na ako kila Mommy. Gustong-gusto kong sabihin na kung puwede lang, sa kanila na lang ako tumira. I'd be a good daughter to Tita Ria and a very good sister to Raphael.

I have so many things to say to him. I want to shout everything that's breaking me and ruining my youth. I'm just a child...and I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be filled with anger, I should be the one who knows more about love and faith.

Pero may mga tao lang talaga sa mundong ito na sisirain ang paniniwala mo, na sisirain ka...at minsan sila pa 'yong tinatawag mong pamilya.

Dad let out a heavy sigh. Hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang kaliwang kamay ko't hinalikan iyon.

"I love you so much Yna," aniya. Ngumiti ako.

"I love you too, Daddy."

Pagdating namin ni Daddy sa unit nila ni Tita Ria, isang masarap na amoy galing sa kusina ang sumalubong sa akin. Tumakbo ako papunta kay Tita saka humalik sa kanyang pisngi at nagmano.

Buhat ni Tita si Raphael habang nagluluto ng Caldereta. Hinalikan ko si Raphael sa kanyang pisngi at hinayaan naman ako ni Tita na kuhain si Raphael sa kanya.

Yumakap si Daddy mula sa likuran ni Tita Ria. He wiped Tita's sweat and he planted little sweet kisses on her nape.

"Stop it Al. Kuhuain mo na lang si Raph kay Yna, patulugin mo na muna siya," ani ni Tita. Humabol ng isang halik si Daddy bago sundin ang sinabi ni Tita. Napapangiti ako sa kanilang dalawa.

The bond that they have is too strong. It's powerful and beautiful at the same time. I haven't seen a love like this before...

"I missed you Yna, bakit ngayon ka na lang ulit bumisita? Nanululungkot tuloy kami ni Baby Raph," she pouted. Napangiti na lang ako't lumipat sa kanyang tabi para masilip ang niluluto niyang Caldereta.

Knowing that Tita missed me is flattering. Buti pa siya...

"I missed you too Tita Ria. Grounded po kasi ako kaya hindi ako nakabisita, kahit nga tawagan si Daddy 'di ko magawa," I said.

"Tell me about it. Anong pagmamalupit na naman ba ang ginawa ng Mommy mo sa'yo? Sinabihan ka na naman ba niya ng lintik?" tanong niya. If there's one person I could be totally honest about, si Tita Ria na iyon.

She's not just a step-mother to me, Tita's like my best friend as well. Kung may maliliit man akong detalye na hindi masabi kay Daddy, kay Tita ko iyon nasasabi lahat, ng buo.

I told her everything that happened, I did not leave any detail. Nakikita ko ang maya't mayang pagtaas ng isang kilay ni Tita, ang pag-irap niya sa kawalan, at ang pagkuyom ng kanyang panga.

"For Pete's sake! Yna, dito ka na tumira sa amin. You don't deserve to be treated like that! Your mom does not deserve a daughter like you!" asik niyang saad.

"Tita why are you like this? Why are you so good to me?" Minsan hindi ko maiwasang hilingin na sana sa kanya na lang ako nanggaling. Sana si Tita Ria na lang din ang mommy ko, Raphael's really lucky.

"Why not Yna? You're a good kid, you also happen to be my husband's daughter. At kahit hindi ka niya anak, magiging mabuti pa rin ako sa'yo," nakangiting sabi niya sa akin. Tila may nahipo sa aking puso. I've always yearned for a mother's love...

"Sana katulad ka na lang ni Mommy, Tita. Or sana ikaw na lang ang mommy ko," I smiled weakly. I couldn't help it. Bigla akong napaluha dahil sa mga sinabi sa akin ni Tita. Niyakap niya naman ako't hinalikan sa noo. I want to be a part of their family so bad...I want this kind of family.

"I could be your mom too you know," she winked. Pinunasan din ni Tita ang mga luha ko.

"Okay Mama," I said.

Nang matapos magluto si Tita Ria ay tinulungan ko siyang maghain sa hapag. Nilipat naman nila si Raph sa crib para sabay-sabay kaming tatlo na makakain.

Tita and Daddy kept on asking me stuff about school and my subjects until...

"Bakit hindi mo na lang palitan ang surname mo Yna? Arya Nicolette Devereux sounds nice. Right Al?" she turned to my dad.

"Yes, it does. Kaso magwawala ang Mommy niya. Baka ipagdamot na sa akin si Yna kapag ginawa ko iyon." And I don't get why.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit possessive sa akin si Mommy kahit hindi ko naman maramdaman na anak niya ako.

"Why not, Dad?" I can't help but ask. So, what if my mom would go berserk? It's not like she could do anything about it, I am my father's daughter.

"Let's just say your mom has tendencies," aniya. Kumunot ang aking noo. What does he mean about that?

"What kind of tendencies Dad?" I asked. Saglit silang nagkatinginan ni Tita Ria.

"You'll understand soon," he said. Hindi na ako nagtanong muli but the thought never left me. Tendencies huh?

Unlike Christmas, my New Year's far better, I had a blast. We went to Hong Kong on the thirtieth of December. Doon namin sinalubong ang bagong tao. For once, I get to enjoy and embrace my youth. I felt like a kid. Hindi rin nila pinaramdam sa akin na iba ako, they made me feel like I really belong. Like I am their family as well.

"Bumisita ka sa weekend Yna, okay? We'll miss you," paalam sa akin ni Tita Ria. Ihahatid na kasi ako ni Daddy ngayon pauwi sa bahay.

And as usual, parang wala ulit ako sa paningin ni Mommy, si Gin naman ay parati akong kinukulit para makipaglaro sa kanya o para hiramin ang mga laruan ko, especially my dolls.

"Zon, stop it will you? I made it all so clear that I am not ready for a relationship and I don't like you," sabi ko. Sinalubong ako ni Zon ng isang box ng chocolates nang pumasok ako ng classroom.

The holiday season is over and we're back to school. And this is what I'm going to get on my first day? What a good year starter.

"Yna please, kahit tanggapin mo na lang 'tong chocolates. Pinabili ko pa 'yan kay Daddy sa Canada, please? Kahit ito lang," aniya. Bigla naman akong sinipa ng konsensya.

Zon is a good guy, I'll give him that. He's good at making me feel special, ramdam ko naman 'yon sa lahat ng ginagawa niya. Kahit simpleng pagpapahiram lang sa akin ng nag-iisa niyang pen just so I could answer my test, gagawin niya.

"Thank you, Acosta. Thank you so much..." Ngumiti siya sa akin nang tanggapin ko ang chocolates na binigay niya.

The least I could do is to appreciate his efforts. I'm sorry Zon. You're too good for me.

Mabilis na lumipas ang panahon, graduate na ako ng elementary, Top 1 ako sa batch namin nang tumuntong ako ng Junior High School. I also met a couple of friends. Kate and Alexis joined our group. I couldn't be more thankful. I always find joy in my friends. They never failed in making me laugh. Lalong-lalo na tuwing naiinis ako kay Mommy at sa kapatid ko.

"Hi guys! Kanina pa ba kayo?" tanong sa amin ni Farah.

"Yes, apparently," sagot ko. Nilingon naman niya ang dalawang lalaking kasama niya. She introduced them to us. Sinabi niya ring they're all childhood friends, and neighbors. Pero mas kasabayan daw niyang lumaki si Rhys rather than his cousin.

Linapitan kami noong isang kasama ni Farah. "Rhys," naglahad siya ng kamay sa akin. His eyes were dark and piercing. They were expressive.

"Yna." Tinanggap ko ang kamay niya. Binanggit niya rin sa akin ang pangalan ng isa nilang kasama na sinuklian ko lang ng tango.

"Giana, is Alexis ever coming?" That girl better be here in five minutes or else! Siya ang nagpasama sa amin dito sa bazaar, dapat siya ang pinaka maagang dumating, hindi kami ni Giana! Dapat ay nagbabasa lang ako ng libro ngayon sa bahay. I should be resting!

"Hi, I'm Illes," singit sa amin ng isang lalaki. Rude! Nakita naman siguro niyang kausap ko si Giana for him to intrude. Walang manners!

"Giana," nakangiting tinanggap ni Giana ang nakalahad na kamay noong Illes sa kanya. Ni hindi man lang sinagot ng kaibigan ko ang aking tanong! All thanks to this guy.

And then it's my turn to accept his hand—I didn't. Tiningnan ko lamang iyon bago siya tingnan sa kanyang mga mata. His almond brown eyes were smiling at me. Unlike his cousin, Rhys, Illes' features were softer. The only thing that made him look like an asshole is his scar on his left brow, and also his earring.

Siya na ismo ang kumuha sa kanang kamay ko. My left brow shot up.

I gave him a glare but he wouldn't settle. His thumb even brushed my knuckle.

"Illes Fuego De Quintos," aniya. May diin ang pagbigkas niya sa bawat pantig ng kanyang pangalan. Imbis na magpakawala ng singhal ay huminga na lang ako nang malalim.

I was about to retrieve my hand when he tightened his grip.

"Come on Yna, tell me your name. It's finally nice to meet you by the way. Sabihin mo na ring masaya kang nakilala mo ako ngayon," he smirked. What the hell?

"Wow, who do you think you are mister?" I told him. Hindi ko makayanan ang ere niya.

Siniko naman ni Rhys ang lapastangan niyang pinsan para suwayin. Thank heavens!

Binitawan ni Illes ang aking kamay saka siya humalukipkip at nagpakawala muli ng isang ngisi.

"Once is enough for a wise man," aniya.

This can't be happening.

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