I think my first memory is my Nanna giving me a bath in the house my Pa built. In particular I remember her pleasant aroma, her smile and the bathtiles. I must've been two years old. I say "I think" because I'm not quite sure of the timing. I think it was before mum and dad moved from Melbourne to Perth, but it could've been when I was four or five when we went back on holiday.

If it was the latter, then my first memory is actually of Winnie the puppy sticking her head through a gate - my first best friend. I must've been 3 years old. In my last year of primary school I missed a whole week when Winnie died. I simply couldn't handle routine life without her.

My Nanna died around about the same time, and it was the first time I saw my dad cry. She was in her early 50s.

The thing is, I can't be certain of my memories at all. I know they both died, but I can't be sure if being with Nanna or Winnie was my first memory. Or even whether I truly remember the bath or the gate at all? Maybe I've just projected memories from photos I've seen? 

Memories are flawed, and I've done more damage to mine than I like to admit. Can I rely on my memories? Do they matter? I really don't know.  But to move forward, I'm going to dissect my past... I won't be able to say what is fiction, but hopefully there'll be some insights of truth - like Nanna and Winnie imprinted on me as a child, their lives were short, my love for them was real. 

I'm almost 40 years old. I have a loving and loved wife, four cherished children, I'm a Director of a great company and earn more than the average wage, affording a beautiful home for my family, as well as a good life.

Problem is, I'm struggling to be content and appreciate my lot. I'm a perfectionist, an over thinker and have just given up alcohol for the umpteenth time - for good.  I never ever used to fall into the useless "poor me" mindset, but now frequently do. I used to always be able to take a step back, and be grateful - now I struggle to do so.

Something in me is broken, and this book will fix it.

The last time I properly gave up the booze (for 6 months!) was also the first time I started taking antidepressants. I was starting to feel disassociated from my wife and only child, and had a baby on the way. I was really scared, but hid it well. I started counselling and reading everything I could on depression.

The counselling was Freudian, and to this day, I don't know if it helped or hindered me. Certainly, it brought my childhood into focus - the subject of the first chapter (age 0 to 20). The intent is to learn from events that shape your life and personality, acknowledge "road blocks", process them as an adult but then let them go. I have struggled with the letting go part.

Freud may have been onto something, but other therapies and theories of depression and happiness have since been developed. Aspects of cognitive behavioural therapy, the brain-fuel depletion model, eastern mindfulness versus western sense of purpose, and the importance of connectedness to others, all profoundly resonate with me. I discuss my discontented journey from the age of 21 to 40 in Chapter 2 and apply my learnings to the point where a mudmap for future contentment exists.

Chapter 3 (age 41 to 60), Chapter 4 (age 61 to 80) and Chapter 5 (age 81 to 100) are blank....

 Good

Beach

Mum relationship

Jacqui

Percy

Surfing

School - love of learning

Friends - Sarah, Richard, Jeremy, Cain, Nic, Wes, Greg

Happy, social, gregarious without substances until 15/16

Skiing

Emma - first love, sex

No hard drugs

Bad

John and Jo

Mum relationship - too much / too adult

Mum and dad divorce

Started weekend binge drinking, occasional marijuana, lsd and ecstasy

Emma breakup

Smashed car after upset about Emma and drunk

Lost licence for drink driving twice

 Good

Uni - social life with Andy, Chris and others (Glenn) - academic achievement

Sarah for first couple of years, and her family

Stopped lsd and marijuana in early 20s - no hard drugs

Squash - fit and social

Kirsty - straightened me up at age 25, no more drugs (except booze - still big Bad)

Forgiveness of K for cheating on me while engaged - right decision

Karratha to Kakadu holiday

Married and home - content

Banjo - excitement

Kirsty - deep love and admiration

Dad relationship - primary parent and friend

Noah - pure unconditional love, admiration and joy

Harper - pure unconditional love, admiration and joy

Matilda and Quinn - pure unconditional love, admiration and joy

Oceanica and Career success

Try to look after staff

NZ holiday

Camping holidays

Friends - Dan and Michelle, Glenn, Luke

Strength to see flaws and desire to change

Control of anger misdirected towards Kirsty and kids

Control of booze and gambling (TBD - but resolved)

Bad

Booze, binge drinking and regret

Ecstasy to 23, occasional speed 

Sarah breakup and regret of binging

Loss of self confidence and friends - drifting from Sarah and Nic and Andy

Taking internal anger out on Kirsty

K cheating on me with David while engaged - really hurt

Sexual repression - feeling that K isn't sexually attracted to me

Mum car accident

Banjo

Loss of relationship with mum (and guilt for not trying harder)

Hatred of John's influence over mum

Depression and poor me mentality, not fully connected to K and kids (though love them and have moments/periods of pure joy)

Loss of professional/technical enjoyment (though still fulfilment in caring for staff)

Exposure of kids to binge drinking, hungoverness, tiredness and lack of enthusiasm

Damage to work and other relationships from being a dickhead while binge drinking

Loss of health and fitness

Gambling - waste of money and avoidance of home

Drinking/gambling relapses (TBD but resolute)