I used to be an introvert. 

Most people don't believe me when I tell them that. This woman who stands on stage every month in front of hundreds of business owners, entrepreneurs, and other dreamers - and shows them how to help themselves…

The woman who started a human rights & anti-racism movement that now spans 13 countries with tens of thousands of volunteers around the world…

How could such a woman EVER have been an introverted & geeky bookworm whose mother had to bribe her to talk to the pizza man on Friday nights?

How could this very same woman have lost her job, her friends, and her marriage to a rumor started by a coworker…only because she was too shy and afraid to stand up for herself?

Well, that's why you picked up this book, isn't it? 

You wanted to learn how to take back control of the way others think and talk about you. To master the science and art of reputation management - so YOU control the dialogue of your story.

And you probably instinctively knew that to do that will require you to actually go out and talk to people…not just any people, but the people who are saying the worst things about you. The people who hate you for things you have no control over. People who are bigoted, racist, bullying or just plain evil or mean. 

This is quite a topic you've decided to confront! 

But the reward for facing these topics is to feel safe. 

Learning this skill will give you the confidence to go out and pursue your dreams, to stand up for yourself, and achieve all you have ever envisioned for your life (and a whole lot more probably than you ever dared to believe you could do). 

I am so confident that you can do this, (no matter how introverted, unsocial, awkward, shy, or filled with self-doubt and anxiety you are) because I was once that way, too.

So before I try to share these techniques that I learned and the true magic I discovered with you…

Let me start by sharing with you my story.

“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. 
Men had drowned in seas like that.”

Robert Jordan

Perhaps one of the most ironic truths I've learned in life is how other people's expectations really work. 

“Good” children strive to meet their parents' expectations. “Good” employees worry over their boss's expectations. We are beleaguered on every side by what society, our neighbors, our aunts and grandparents believe we should be or do or have…and these days with social media and the internet, even perfect strangers ride their keyboard destriers into battle over what we should wear, eat, drink and even think!

In all of this mess of other people's expectations, it is easy to feel like you're drowning; that your voice is a whisper in a hurricane. 

Or maybe you consider yourself a bit of a people-pleaser. Maybe you find yourself steering away from certain careers, hobbies, studies or interests because of what someone else (a family member or friend) might think. 

Maybe you're just not into drama. You'd rather stay silent and low-key than raise your voice (and raise a fuss).

I spent the majority of my life as a people-pleasing drama-avoider. I was a “good girl” growing up, and people took advantage of my shy nature. 

All of that changed in 2014. That year, I got demoted at work, lost friends, and faced a divorce - all over a rumor dreamed up and spread by a coworker. Let's call her Chloe*. 

Chloe and I met for the first time in the cafeteria at work. She was on the midnight shift, and I was just coming in to grab a bite of breakfast before work. 

Little did management know, the cooks had taken to kicking people on graveyard shift out of the cafeteria in the morning so they could clean - something Chloe and her coworkers weren’t too happy about. 

I often came in earlier than anyone else and had found a nice spot in a corner office where I could eat my breakfast in peace. When I saw Chloe being rebuffed by the waitress, I offered for them to come sit with me. The grateful look on her face was worth having to share my breakfast with a bunch of tired strangers.

A few days later, I was surprised and pleased to get a nice thank you note on my desk from Chloe. While we never became friends, after that we were friendly acquaintances.

Two years later, Chloe was promoted to HR.

And when the office rumor started flying around about me - that I had cheated on my husband with a coworker - I went to Chloe and asked for her help.

That rumor was completely false. I had been spotted talking alone and very animatedly to a coworker alone in a cubicle, and some idiot jumped to conclusions. 

Unfortunately, my husband worked in the same company. And so did his mother, and several of our friends.

When my boss came to me about the rumor, I told him the truth. 

He didn’t believe me. 

Instead, he suggested I see Chloe and told me “fraternizing with a coworker on work hours is enough to get you dismissed, Sarah.”

My husband was told the rumor by his mother that same week. And suddenly I was facing a divorce as well as the loss of my job.

I went to Chloe in pure desperation. She listened, hmmed thoughtfully, smiled at me...and I later found out she went straight to my boss and told him she thought I had done it and was lying about it (and then proceeded to tell everybody else at work).

The shock and pain I experienced when I found that out was too painful to describe.

I got demoted. I lost my husband. Many of our mutual friends turned away...and I soon found to my horror that I had become infamous in the company! Perfect strangers, even a year afterward - upon being introduced to me would comment, “Oh, aren’t you the girl who got demoted because of…?”

Suddenly, their expectation was that I was a failure. That I was a poor employee. That I was a slut. 

It's hard to succeed when you're surrounded by people who believe you have already failed before you even begin.

But before we go any further into that, let’s pause here a moment and look at what just happened.

1. I helped a random coworker in a scenario where everyone else was ignoring her discomfort
2. She turned around and stabbed me in the back, lied about me, spread a rumor and got me demoted

     What just happened?!

Well, I’ll tell you exactly what happened: I lacked the courage and the strong voice I needed to get myself out of that mess. 

Instead of smoothly addressing the rumor when people said it to my face - I just got embarrassed, changed the subject, and probably looked and acted totally guilty! For no other reason than the fact that I felt humiliated, and even more introverted than ever.

Instead of confronting Chloe on what she was doing, I stayed in my little cubicle and remained silent. Not standing up for myself made many of my coworkers lose respect for me, and likely also motivated Chloe to gossip about it even more. 

To this day I have no idea why she did what she did. Maybe she truly believed what she said - that I was cheating on my husband with a coworker and violating company rules. Maybe not. Maybe there was pressure from above and she succumbed to office politics.

In the end, WHY doesn't really matter.

What matters is that I lost something I had never realized was valuable before: a good reputation.

This is something most good people don't really think about ... until someone starts attacking it. You do your best for a client or a boss, and assume that it's obvious you are doing your best. You assume that others see you working hard, or getting results, etc.

But that's the problem with assumptions, right?

Most of the broad public is pretty ignorant about what actually goes on inside your life. Most people have never been in your role and have no idea how hard you work.

And most customers or coworkers don't see all the good you've done for them when they encounter an error or mistake or oversight...all they see is the mess up.

So we can sometimes get in these situations where what other people perceive to be you is very very different than WHO. YOU. REALLY. ARE.

This also happens with bigotry, racism and hate speech. Someone looks at you, and sees something or assumes something other than what is really there. Believe me, I've had my fair share of that nonsense, too!

But how do we bridge that gap of perception vs. reality? How do we show up for ourselves; STAND UP for ourselves, without all the drama and flying in the teeth of crazy haters, bigots, gossip, et al?

That is what you're here in this book to learn.

Before we go any further, we need a chapter for readers who have already gotten themselves into a mess like I did, to show you how I got out of it. 

For readers who haven't ever experienced something like this before, stay engaged in this chapter anyway so you know what to do (and what not to!) if it ever happens to you.

Looking back, I'm astonished even to this day at how far that rumor spread, and how quickly people believed it. 

It was as though one day I woke up a different person. People acted like all the good I had done in my life hardly mattered. All because of a false accusation that became a rumor I could not outrun.

The rumor was untrue - but truth or lies don't matter in the face of bad opinion against you. Have you ever seen that happen to someone you cared about? It hurts. 

That's a lesson learned, though. Truth, facts, logical thinking - they all go out the window when hate speech starts to circulate about you. And no matter what you say; no matter how many statistics or pieces of evidence you come up with..."they say" can trump almost anything. ALMOST anything true can be wiped out by, "Well, I heard it from Bob and he's not a liar, so..."

Humanity tends to believe rumors, viral Tweets, and other rapid-spreading lies because we assume truth based on reliable source rather than logic. 

“If the source of the rumor is credible, the opinion must be fact," is how most people think.

This could not be further from the truth.

My marriage later ended as a direct result of the lies and rumors and false information spread by coworkers. Even my husband believed it, after he had heard it enough times! He told his mother...and there went that relationship.

When everybody has turned against you, and you've shouted as loudly and passionately as you could, saying, "It's not true! I didn't do it!" but nobody seems to hear...

Where do you go from there?

How do you pick up the pieces of your broken friendships, lost opportunities, sundered life? 

It's not easy. But it must be done, because really the only alternative is to give up. To just lay in your apartment, alone, eating potato chips (or nothing at all), binge-watching Netflix or late night TV. (Yes, I did that... #noshame)

Giving up means you'll never get them back - your friends, your family, or spouse. And other people can tell you all they want, "Now you know who your real friends are..." 

You'll hear trite phrases like, "He isn't worth your tears if he believed that crap!" but you know in your heart that those people...all those people who believed it, are just the dupes.

They've been conned, just like you were, by the person who INVENTED and spread those lies. And if you were duped by that person, how can you blame everybody else who was, too?

This book is in your hands because I believe you. I do.

I also believe that everyone deserves to have a voice, no matter how their reputation has been smeared, their good works questioned, or their mistakes dragged out for all to see. You deserve a chance to clear your name, rebuild your reputation, and live a life that you design.

One of the biggest hardships emotionally for me, after what happened, was trying to hold my chin up. I knew everyone around me now had this false expectation of me. I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice...it was in the words they did not say! The pitying, oh-that's-just-Sarah-again type of conversation that was whispered around when I made even a tiny mistake. They expected me to fail.  

Walking past the expectations of others, and continuing to build your life based on your own personal goals, is an achievement in itself.

How did I do it? 

The first clue came when I met Brandon Faust. A well-known and respected opinion leader in our industry, I knew him by reputation long before we met face-to-face. 

He did something for me that I will never forget, and will always be grateful to him for - he introduced me to the subject of Public Relations.

In case you're not familiar with the term, Public Relations (PR) is the art of gaining a favorable public image or reputation. Usually used in reference to a company, brand or politician, PR is actually a very vital subject for average people, too. 

Using this subject of public relations, you can change others' opinion of you for the better. It requires some knowledge and it takes no small amount of work, but it can be done.

Now, I have to confess something to you. I was not polite to Brandon when we met. We did not have a friendly, professional conversation about my experiences. Imagine a desperate hungry savage waving her arms in the air and yelling at a man who is trying his best to help her gently so she doesn't hurt herself...and you probably would have the right idea. 

But I felt at that time that I could do NOTHING about my situation. My life had turned from happiness, to suddenly this upside down post-apocalyptic dystopia where angry people were crawling out of the woodwork to spit hatred and spread lies about me! 

What Brandon told me changed my life. It has restored my reputation with everybody who truly mattered, and it has put me on the road toward achieving all I ever wished for before that incident, and much, much more.

"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting." - Sun Tzu

     The first thing Brandon did was give me a copy of the book The Art of War by Sun Tzu.

Most people know this book as one of the world's oldest and most influential books on military strategy, but the strategies and tactics Sun Tzu taught are just as applicable in everyday life as they are in war.

Take as an example, the quote I mentioned above. 

When first faced with a rumor, lies or misinformation spread by someone about you, the first instinct you have is probably to fight it. You jump up in the person's face and angrily shout, "That's not true!" 

This is the wrong thing to do.

Public Relations is the art of changing someone's (or a group's) opinion about you. Remember that definition. The Art of War teaches us how to use Public Relations to protect yourself against ANY opponent. Maybe it is a competitor, or a coworker vying for the same promotion. Maybe it is a hater, bigot, or racist who attacks you, or some keyboard warrior online.

These quotes and principles I'll share with you apply to everything from winning at sports to succeeding in business.

First, there are a few laws I want you to remember and follow. Never let these laws be violated by you, or someone claiming to "help" you defeat the rumor, lie or hate speech:

• Never use lies. What I will teach you is powerful only when your use of it is based completely on truth. 
• Do not do the enemy's work for him. Never spread a rumor about yourself. Don't ask people if they heard it unless they give you some indication that they already did so! Also, don't ever commit the crime just because you've already been judged guilty.
• Always put your Big Hairy Audacious Goals first. Whomever invented the rumor, disapproval or bad opinion of you, probably did it because they want you to fail in life. The wrong thing to do is stop working on your goals and focus on fighting the spread of lies! The biggest and best weapon you will always have against such people is success.

With those three laws under your belt, let's take a look at another gem from Sun Tzu's Art of War and how we apply this to repairing your reputation.