Lucas –
This sucks. I hate you for not being in my class. Bored! So bored. It’s all your fault.
You still coming over after school? Mom said she’s making brownies.
Nina
September 1990
The notebook was one of many. This particular one had been chosen by Lucas, so it had a cover of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which Nina had already colored over with black marker. The girl always fancied herself an artist and liked to make changes to things, whether they were necessary or not. Lucas was a writer, his imagination wild and encouraged by his mother, who had bought him his first notebook and told him to fill it with his dreams. He had been six. Instead, he used it to write notes back and forth with his best friend, Nina. Born barely a day apart, the two of them had lived next door to one another from birth and shared everything, so it had only made sense to share the notebook with her.
Nina didn’t take the notebook as seriously as Lucas did, but he did like her drawings. Every so often, his notes would request drawings, and she would spend hours filling a page with fanciful characters and scenes. Notebooks from the past showed the improvement that she’d made over the years, now ten years old and giving her drawings definite shapes and shadows. Her fifth-grade teacher was droning on about math, drilling multiplication tables into the heads of the students currently trying their hardest to stay awake. Nina was the only one who appeared the least bit alert, but she wasn’t paying attention to the monotone voice coming from the chalkboard. She had written her note to Lucas in the middle of the page, and then decorated the space around it with swirls and flowers, numerous tangled vines and hidden animals peeking out from behind bushes. She hadn’t touched on any of the questions or ideas that Lucas had written in his note, but that was normal. Knowing him as she did, she would be hearing about it on the walk home, whether she wanted to or not.
She ran out of space on the page, and finally set her pencil down to cast an appreciative eye on the drawing before turning the page backward so that she could reread Lucas’ note. She hadn’t bothered answering any of his questions or talking about his ideas because she knew that wasn’t what he wanted. Lucas rambled and chattered and argued with himself more often than not, with so many ideas racing through his mind. Nina had learned soon after they’d started writing notes to each other that he didn’t want her opinion, or for her to add her own ideas in. He needed a sounding board, and he had one ready-made in Nina, and she liked listening to him. He tended to get animated, talking with his hands, and he had a way of making it easy to see what was going on in his head. She couldn’t help grinning as she read the note, shaking her head at one of the sillier ideas. What if there was a prince that had to be rescued by a princess instead? What if he was a combination of all those silly Disney princesses? Except for Ariel’s seashells. That would just be stupid. Nina laughed aloud, which then drew the attention of the teacher. She hurriedly put the notebook away, before the teacher could swipe it from her desk, sighing in relief when the teacher turned back to the board. The clock said there was only ten minutes left until lunch, so she resigned herself to paying attention to the rest of the lesson.
The bell rang, and the class lined up to go to the cafeteria for lunchtime. The notebook came with Nina, since she planned to give it to Lucas at lunchtime so he could write her back. Lunch was boring, as usual, since she was seated between two other students that she wasn’t friends with. There wasn’t ever any other option, since her teacher made them line up in alphabetical order. Nina wolfed her lunch down, and spent the rest of the time until recess re-reading Lucas’ note again, if only just so she would know what he was talking about once they were out on the playground. It was rare that she ever got a word in edgewise, but she didn’t mind. She had always been more than willing to listen to him.
The fifth grade was finally led out onto the playground, and Nina made a beeline for Lucas, under the tree where they normally passed recess time away. She thrust the notebook toward him and plopped down onto the bed of pine needles, yawning while Lucas flipped to the page where she had written her note. She watched as he grinned, noting his eyes as they moved over the many elements of the drawing she’d done to while math away.
“This is pretty,” he said in his soft, almost musical voice, tracing his finger over a vine that trailed around the circle she had made around her note. More than once, it had been said that Nina and Lucas seemed to be in the wrong bodies. Lucas was soft-spoken, quite shy and reserved, and almost fragile-looking. It didn’t endear him to the other boys of their grade, and Nina was often frustrated by the boys’ attempts to ridicule her best friend, even though it never seemed to ruffle Lucas. Nina, on the other hand, was known for being brash, loud and spontaneous. She was what her mother had deemed once as ‘ruthlessly pretty’ – white-blonde hair coupled with vividly green eyes, and skin that readily absorbed a golden tan color. She was tall and somewhat lanky, and a definite tomboy, the one reason that the boys of their grade didn’t do more than pick on Lucas. Nina had quickly made herself known as someone who wouldn’t fight fair, especially not when she was fighting for her peaceful friend. After she had bitten one of the boys who had tried to hit Lucas, none of the others felt comfortable with being put in the position of fighting that hellion.
“I don’t know, it looks weird,” she replied, scrunching up her face as she leaned forward, peering closer at the vine he was touching. “I wish I had better pencils,” she said mournfully. She had colored pencils at home, Crayola pencils bought at the grocery store. A lousy twenty-four colors. But she didn’t like saying anything to her mother, who worked two jobs just to pay the bills and rent after her dad split when she was six. The only other option had been moving out of the house her mom had grown up in, which wasn’t an option at all. Not only did Sabrina Baker live next door to her best friend, but her daughter and her friend’s son were the best of friends as well. Moving would have been cruel on both sides.
“Shhh,” Lucas said in that calm, reassuring way he had. Nina had trouble remembering sometimes that they were the same age. He seemed so much older, so much wiser than even some of the sixth-grade kids. “It’s really beautiful. Really. You draw so pretty, Neen. The pencils are just the tool. You give it life. Besides, you love those pencils Aunt Sabs got you. You looked so happy when she gave you that bag with the pencils and sketchbook.”
Nina couldn’t help preening a little over Lucas’ compliments, and she shrugged. “I was just happy that she got them at all. Mom barely even has money most of the time to get a new book, and you know how much she loves to read.”
“Aunt Sabs loves you,” Lucas said with a little smile, looking over at his best friend. “She wants you to be happy. Drawing makes you happy. I heard her say to Mom once that she wants you to go for whatever dream is in your head, that she doesn’t want you to get hurt like she did. What did she mean by that?”
“I dunno, maybe she meant Dad leaving?” Nina kicked at a rock, and then drew her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them. She didn’t like talking about her father. Before he had left, she had adored the man. She had pictures of the two of them camping, hiking, fishing…she had thought that her father loved her too. Then he left, and she heard from him twice a year, on her birthday and Christmas. The last thing she had heard from her father was that his new wife was expecting a baby. That had been almost a year past.
“Maybe,” Lucas said with a shrug, looking at Nina concernedly. He, better than anyone, knew her reservations about her dad, the man he’d called Uncle Nick until he’d taken off. He didn’t like that he had made her sad, even if it was an accident. “Was it her dream to marry your dad?”
“Doesn’t seem like much of a dream,” Nina said, wrinkling her nose. “Kinda awful if it was, and it ended up like that.”
“Well, whatever it was, Neen…I think all she means is that if it’s your dream to draw, and paint, and be a real artist, she wants to help you. She wants you to be happy,” he repeated, figuring that the point was important. “So even if it means she doesn’t get a new book for a while, she’s going to do what she has to. So just…appreciate it.”
“I do, Luke!” Nina said, whipping her head to the side to look at him. “I know Mom does the best she can…is it just a bad thing to wish for a little more sometimes, though?”
“No, I guess not,” he said amiably, not wanting to make her mad at him. He knew that Nina could hold a grudge for a while, and he didn’t want to deal with it over something that he didn’t even feel was actually an argument. “Wishes and dreams, Nina…I know how you feel.”
She felt her temper leave her as quickly as it came, and then bristled when the recess bell rang, signifying that the period was over. Nina could see her class lining up, and she sighed. Standing up, she brushed pine needles and dirt off of her backside and looked at him as he stood as well. “You gonna answer my question?”
Lucas glanced at the page again, and nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think Mom will mind. I’ll just call her when we get to your house so she doesn’t worry.”
The two children hooked their pinkies together, then pulled until they came apart and then touched the tips of their thumbs together. They had created their ‘secret handshake’ when they were seven years old, and no parting was ever complete without it. Nina ran toward her class’ line, Lucas choosing to walk the short distance to where his class was lining up. He was already coming up with ideas to write down in his next note to her.
After school let out, Nina and Lucas met at the front doors and began to walk home. It was as much a ritual for them as anything else was, to the point that, more often than not, if one of them was to be absent from school, the other would usually stay home as well, since they refused to walk home without each other. Nina’s mother and Lucas’ parents allowed it cautiously, since neither side relished the idea of their daughter or son walking home alone. Lucas had handed off the notebook to Nina, who had tucked it into her backpack, and then settled into the walk quietly as Lucas began to talk about the idea he had had after going back to his class when recess was over, his hands moving quickly as he spoke. It was one of the only times Nina ever saw Lucas get loud or boisterous, when he was describing one of his story ideas.
“Think about it, Neen! Wouldn’t it be beautiful? Your drawing gave me the idea. A tiny rainforest, filled with creatures that we’ve never heard of. So tiny that it has to be kept somewhere safe so that it doesn’t get stepped on or run over or something. And these creatures are all magical. They can talk and they secretly guard humans, even though the humans put them into danger. They know they don’t mean to. The humans don’t even know they exist! But a couple of kids discover the tiny rainforest, and they’re sworn to keep it a secret. But one of them accidentally tells someone, and the secret gets out, and the kids have to save the tiny rainforest before the grown-ups take it off somewhere to experiment with it. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
“Mhm,” Nina said with a laugh and a grin. “I suppose the kids might get a little jealous sometimes? Like, here’s this rainforest that only they know about, and it’s awesome and beautiful, but they can’t do anything in it because even they’re too big?”
“Well, I suppose so, yeah. Maybe the secret getting out isn’t an accident after all? Maybe the kid wanted a grown-up to make it bigger so they could play in the rainforest and with the magical creatures?”
“Yeah, I think that would happen,” Nina said, nodding. “And then they’d feel bad, when they see the creatures so sad, so they decide to do the right thing and help them to be a secret again.” They rounded the corner onto their street and Nina pointed, seeing Lucas’ father in their yard. “Hey, I didn’t know Uncle Bryan would be home today. Shouldn’t he be at work?”
Lucas blinked, looking confused as he saw his father. “He should be at work, he’s never home when I get home. C’mon, let’s hurry.”
Their pace quickened as they walked toward Lucas’ house. “Dad!” Lucas called out, drawing his father’s attention. Nina immediately became worried as she saw the weary look on her uncle Bryan’s face.
Bryan Connelly was normally a laid-back, easygoing man, with the same coloring as his son, dark red hair and blue eyes, freckles liberally spread over his face and arms. Nina had always known him to be good for a laugh, and had come to see him as much of a father as her own – more so, since her dad left. But now his face was drawn, and sad. But he gave his son a smile and welcomed him into a hug.
“What’s the matter, Dad?” Lucas asked softly after pulling away from his father’s embrace.
Bryan looked to Nina, and she thought for a second that he was going to have Lucas go inside, so she turned away to go into her own house, until Bryan said something. “You don’t have to go, Nina. I know Luke will end up telling you anyway.”
Nina turned back around and swallowed her sigh, then returned to Lucas’ side, reaching out to take his hand in comfort. Whatever his dad had to say, it couldn’t be good. Lucas turned his head to look at her, smile at her, and then looked back at his dad. “What is it?”
Bryan led the children toward the porch, and gestured for them to sit on the swing. “Luke…your mom got a call from your Grandpa Martin earlier. Your Grandma Ellen had a heart attack this morning, and she passed away.”
Nina gasped and looked at Lucas, who was blinking fast, and Nina knew he was trying not to cry. He sniffled, bringing his arm to his nose to drag his wrist underneath. “Is…is Mom okay?”
Bryan knelt and hugged his son tightly. “She’s very sad right now. It was very unexpected, and so it was a huge shock. Try and be easy around her, okay, son?”
Lucas nodded, and Nina opened her mouth, as if to say something, then closed it. But the motion had drawn Bryan’s attention, and he reached his hand out to pat Nina’s. Their families were all close, and Lucas’ grandparents had always been kind and friendly to Nina and her mother. Bryan knew that Sabrina and Nina would feel the loss as keenly as his wife did. “What is it, Nina?” he said softly, his voice very similar to the calm, music-like quality of his son’s.
“Can I go in and give Aunt Laurie a hug?” she asked, her voice small. Bryan smiled softly and leaned in to hug the girl that he considered like one of his own. “You sure can, honey. I’m sure your auntie would love a Nina-hug. Your mom’s already inside with her.”
Lucas and Nina got up and went inside the house, following the sound of quiet sobs back to the dining room, where Sabrina Baker was sitting next to her best friend Laurie Connelly, holding her hand with one of her own, her other stroking her friend’s thick brown curls. Hearing the sound of someone coming close, Laurie lifted her head from the table and caught sight of her son and his best friend. She smiled wanly at Sabrina, then drew her hand away and opened her arms to Lucas and Nina, who both dropped their backpacks on the floor and flew into the embrace.
Laurie clung to them tightly, burrowing her face into her son’s hair, thick and curly like her own, her hand stroking Nina’s pale locks. After a few minutes, Nina pulled away carefully, gently, and then went to give her own mother a hug, who kissed her cheek and pulled her in to sit on her lap.
It was silent for several long minutes, with some who had no words and others who didn’t know what to say, until Nina broke the quiet. “Mom said she was going to make brownies, Aunt Laurie. Do you want a brownie?”
It was quiet for another moment, and then Laurie laughed, reaching out and brushing her fingers across Nina’s cheek. “I’d love a brownie, sweetling. Why don’t you and Luke go over and get the brownies, and maybe a board game or two? I’d love it if you and your mom would stay for dinner tonight.”
Nina’s face brightened, and she slid off of her mother’s lap, grabbing Lucas’ hand to pull him along with her. “We’ll be right back!” she said excitedly, and the children ran out of the house.
Inside the house next door, Lucas was sitting on the couch, holding the tin of brownies while Nina searched through their board games. “Well, we’ll bring Clue over. And Monopoly. But do you think they’d like Candyland or Battleship better?”
“I don’t know,” Lucas said, his voice quieter than normal. Nina turned toward him, and her face fell, seeing how sad he looked. Nina abandoned her task and went to sit next to him on the couch, putting an arm around his shoulders, leaning her head against his.
“I’m sorry, Luke,” she said, her voice as small as it was when she had spoke to Bryan. “I’m so sorry.”
Those few words seemed to be what broke the dam, and Lucas began to cry earnestly, turning his head to cry into his best friend’s shoulder, clinging to her. He adored his grandparents, both sets, but he and his Grandma Ellen had had a special relationship, having the same temperament and love for writing. Nina had gone to the zoo with Lucas and his grandmother once, and found herself amazed at the detailed worlds that the two of them were able to come up with, barely missing a beat before the other spoke to add onto the fanciful scenes. Nina knew her friend would feel this loss keenly, and could only be glad that he hadn’t been told while at school. The stupid boys in their grade would have made fun of him even more for crying, even if it was over a beloved family member’s death.
Lucas cried all that he could, and Nina smiled, hugging him tight. “C’mon, Luke, let’s get back before they come looking for us.” Lucas smiled weakly and nodded, standing up from the couch and waiting as Nina gathered up the games they had chosen. They crossed the lawn from one house to the other and smiled brightly when they entered the dining room again. It was obvious from Lucas’ red eyes that he had been crying, but no more so than Laurie’s own puffy eyes and pale face. A silent decision seemed to be made that no one would mention it, as Bryan went into the kitchen to start dinner and Sabrina got a knife to cut the brownies into squares, taking one and putting it on a napkin to place in front of Laurie.
Half an hour later, they were sitting around the dining room table, two half-eaten pizzas in the middle. Nina, intent on drawing Lucas out of his sadness, brought up some of the ideas that he’d written to her that day, inviting him to talk about them, and get more inspiration from his parents and Nina’s mother, with the effect of the conversation becoming silly as everyone tried to top the last thing said.
“Well, what if the tiny monkeys like cheese?” Sabrina said between laughing, reaching a hand up to wipe tears from her eyes, grinning toward her daughter.
“Stinky cheese!” Nina cried out, laughing as she took another bite of her pizza.
Lucas had fallen silent, eating his pizza while watching the others joke animatedly. He was smiling, but there was a definite droop to his eyes. He had liked his idea for a story about a tiny rainforest, and couldn’t help feeling like they were making fun of him. Laurie was the first one to notice how quiet her son had gotten and reached out to touch his hand in concern.
“You okay, honey?” she asked quietly, smiling gently when his hand turned over to curl his fingers within hers.
“I’m fine, Mom,” he said softly, doing his best to look as fine as he claimed to be.
Laurie chuckled and took her hand from his, reaching over to ruffle his hair. “No you’re not, Luke. They’re not trying to be mean, sweetheart, you know that, don’t you?”
Nina heard the last part and glanced over, almost immediately contrite when she realized how her friend must be feeling - hearing his precious story become a joke, especially after he’d complimented her earlier when she was sure that her drawing was messed up. The table fell silent, and Lucas looked at each of them, keeping his smile on his face. “It’s okay, really. I know you’re not being mean. I just…I really liked the idea. I thought…with you joking about it…that maybe you thought it was stupid. Or something. I don’t know.” He shrugged and looked down at his plate of mostly-eaten pizza.
Nina shook her head emphatically. “It’s not stupid, it’s brilliant!” She was almost defiant as she looked at each adult in turn before turning her attention back to Lucas, as if daring them to argue with her. “I think we were just…trying to have fun. You know, instead of thinking about sad things.”
Lucas shrunk a little in his chair, biting his lip. He knew Nina had a point, he had just been unable to see past the idea that someone was making fun of him. Most of the time, at school, he took it in stride because he knew the boys in his class just didn’t understand, but he had gotten scared when he thought that his family and best friend might think he was just as stupid as the school boys did. Instead, they had just been trying to keep the mood light, to try and make him and his mom laugh.
Bryan cleared his throat and stood up from the table, obviously intent on changing the subject. “Why don’t we clear this pizza up and get the brownies out? We’ve got ice cream to go with them. C’mon, Lucas, come help me, will ya?”
Lucas nodded and pushed back from the table, walking around to gather up the plates and bring them into the kitchen while Bryan picked up the two pans that had held the pizza. Once they had set their burdens down, Bryan reached over and pulled his son into a hug.
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, boy,” he said, somewhat gruffly, but when Lucas looked up at him, Bryan was glancing down at him, his face stoic and serious.
“It’s okay, Dad. I think I…just got a little too upset over nothing.” Lucas smiled when Bryan ruffled his hair, the same motion that his mother had made a few minutes ago.
“Why don’t you get the bowls and some spoons, Luke, and I’ll get the food.” Lucas nodded and reached up into the cabinet to take down five bowls, then dug five spoons out of the silverware drawer. Bryan was still trying to dig the tub of ice cream out of the freezer, so Lucas took the dishes out and set them in front of the chairs while Sabrina cut brownies out of the pan and set one in each bowl. Bryan finally came out with the ice cream and scooped some onto the brownies, so that everyone could tuck into their dessert.
Their meal coming to an end, the five of them went into the living room to settle around the coffee table so that they could play the games Nina had brought over. Midway through Monopoly, both children had fallen asleep, and rather than worry about waking Nina up to go home, Bryan carried both Nina and Lucas, one at a time, up to Lucas’ room, letting Nina sleep on his trundle bed. Sabrina went home afterward, having an early wake-up the next day for one of her jobs.
Nina woke up sometime after midnight, taking only a glance around to know that she was in Lucas’ room rather than her own. Normally, that wasn’t a problem, since the two of them stayed at each other’s houses as much as their own, but Nina was restless, and she wasn’t sure why.
She got up to go to the bathroom, trying to be quiet so that she didn’t wake his parents up. As she neared the bathroom door, she heard voices coming from his parents’ room, and curiosity swept over her. She crept closer to the bedroom door so that she could hear their conversation.
“I worry about him, Bryan,” she heard Laurie say quietly. “He’s so shy, and so…fragile. You know he doesn’t have many friends. Just Nina. And now I can’t help but worry that this news about Mom is going to make him close down even more.”
“Well, I know he can’t go his whole life expecting Nina to protect him. She’s a good friend to him, I know, but the boys aren’t going to respect someone who has a girl fight for him, whether he’s a pacifist or not. He’s got to wake up sometime.”
“I’m not going to make him be a fighter. I think it’s nice, actually, having a son who’s not so driven to prove himself a man. He’s going to be ten times better than any of those boys that are going to make fun of him because he won’t fight.” Nina could hear the irritation in Laurie’s voice, and could understand it. Just because Nina protected Lucas didn’t make him weak, but that was what it sounded like Bryan was saying.
“I know, sweetheart. I’m not saying that I want him to be anything other than our boy. But he can be the good kid that we know he is, and still be confident enough to keep the boys from picking on him on his own, without having to have Nina step in. Hell, I think Sabrina could stand to step in and make that girl of hers a little more ladylike. She’s going to grow up eventually, and she’s pretty enough that she’s going to turn heads, but pretty as she is, no boy’s going to want to be involved with someone who has to out-do them at everything. I love Nina just as she is, but I can’t help worrying that she’s going to end up unhappy.”
Nina bristled and stepped away from the door before she heard anything else. She knew her Uncle Bryan loved her, liked watching sports with her and playing catch, especially since his own son wasn’t into things like that. But she couldn’t help feeling a little hurt, hearing him say those things. Sighing, she went to the bathroom and quickly went, washing her hands afterward. Nina looked back toward the bedroom door as she stepped out of the bathroom, but the light had been turned out, and it was quiet. She crept back to Lucas’ room and closed the door behind her, crossing the room to kneel on the trundle bed and shake Lucas awake gently.
“Huh…what?” He rolled over and cast bleary eyes at Nina, rubbing his fists over them to wake up. “What’s wrong, Neen?”
She told him what she had heard his parents say, watching as he steadily lowered his eyes with every word. “Luke, I think you’re great the way you are. You don’t have to be a big butthead to be cool.”
“But Dad’s right,” he said softly, leaning his elbow into his pillow to prop himself up. “I don’t have friends at school, except for you. The boys don’t like me. I don’t know why. They think I’m girly, or something, because I don’t play sports and I don’t chase girls, and I’m smart and like going to school. The girls think I’m weird. I’ve heard a couple of the other boys say that I must be prissy if I have to have a girl fight my battles.”
“They’re stupid,” Nina whispered vehemently. “You’re ten times better than they are.” She echoed what she had heard his mother say without realizing it, and she shook her head. “They’re buttheads, and all they think about is sports and video games and who they can make fun of.” It made her sad to think that her friend was put through that last part just because he was different. “You’re sweet and funny and smart. One day, you’re going to be all their bosses, and you’re going to make them sorry they ever teased you.”
Lucas smiled and shook his head. “But that’s just it, Nina. I won’t. Because you’re right, I am better than they are. And being mean to them means that I’m not.”
Nina,
I’m taking a rest day from my ideas. Sometimes, I think I get so caught up in them that I don’t really pay attention to what’s going on. You know you’re my best friend, right? I don’t think I tell you enough. I mean, we’ve been friends forever, and I know we’re close, but I just want you to know that you’re the best person I know. As long as you want to be my friend, you will be, because you mean the most. I know what you heard my dad say upset you. But he loves us both, and just wants us to be happy. And I want that too. So I talked to Dad and they’re going to sign me up for martial arts classes. He says it can help me, and I want to try, but not just for me, for you too. I don’t want you to have to worry about me all the time. I want to be able to take care of myself against the kids at school, and I don’t want for people to start making fun of you. You know they will eventually. That’s something else that I talked to Mom and Dad about. I don’t know if you’ll like it or anything, but for your birthday, they’re wanting to get you ballet lessons. They say you’re a little old to really try and be a ballerina, but I know you wouldn’t want that, so I think it’s just to give you something…girly to do. I dunno. I like you just the way you are, so don’t think I’m trying to make you change. I just want to give us both something to help us out, add more to who we are. Don’t be mad at me, Nina. We’re still going to be great. I’m going to write and you’re going to paint and we’re going to be amazing. This will just help us be more amazing. Think about it.
Lucas