I wake up from my nap sweating for what it feels like the first time, replaying the horror on my mind. My breath catching up with my mind as I look around and realize I’m safe. Nothing feels the same, nothing will ever be the same. But this is all too far along for you to understand, so I’ll take you back. Back to when I knew what I wanted and had some self control.
I begin packing for the fifth time, only to take everything out again and put it back in to make it perfect. I am more nervous than what I look. I say to myself to relax and just sleep so I’m ready for tomorrow, my first day in college. But I’m not like that, I get everything done hours... days before. Except this one and only day, where I couldn’t possibly be more nervous. I know I shouldn’t do this, not to my mother, who is alone, and thinking I will be going to her choice of college. Only that I won’t, she makes of me what she wants, she has raised me to be like her... or a better version of her. But ever since the dreams came to me, I want t- I want to go far, far away where I won’t know a single soul, to another planet if it’s possible. And I don’t understand why, at least not fully. I’m lost and I have always been lost, although I know what I want... if that makes any sense. I want to live far away from here and become something, something that symbolizes all the hard work my mother has put into me. And this is why I’ll leave, even if it pains me.
I think of the dreams as someone, or something trying to tell me to stop living in a rock, to go, explore and live.
As I open my eyes I realize I fell asleep. Right in that instant my alarm goes off making me throw my head back into my pillow as I hear my door open. “Blair how many times have I told you to get up early so you can manage to look good,” my mom practically yells.
I quickly straighten up and realize what day it is. I go down to breakfast avoiding any eye contact with her, thinking it’ll make my pain easier. I take a few sips of a smoothie she prepares for me and I decide to go to my room to think of my horrible decision once again.
I grab my bags, looking around my room, deciding wether I’ll miss my room or not. My thoughts get interrupted, “oh no, you’re not going anywhere looking like that.” I look down at my white simple but classy floral dress running my hands threw it thinking of what could be wrong with it. “Your face, go fix it,” my mother says with a harsh tone. I mean I get it, she is excited for me to go to her dream school, I totally understand it. I think as I look in the mirror and see what she was talking about. I re-wash my face, and then reapply some mascara and some blush.
The car ride couldn’t be any less worrying. All the way to the airport, my mother couldn’t stop talking about Dartmouth and how proud she was of me, then telling me to make myself a use for all the hard work she put up with.
When we get there I know what I must do, I replayed this scene over and over again in my head, like I was somehow going to forget about it. My mother offers to walk me the farthest she can but I tell her a million times that I’ll be fine. Thankfully I manage to get out of the situation and convince her, just like I’d planed.
I had switched the tickets a week ago hoping she wouldn’t realize. And now I’m off to a place where I don’t have a life. As I figure out my situation, a feeling of regret overwhelms me, not making me able to think straight. I stand there like an idiot, as a short old lady with gray hair and pale skin taps my shoulder telling me to move up the line. But I’m terrified, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. As weak as I may sound, I just want to go back running straight into my mothers arms, even if they aren’t so welcoming.
After struggling with both my brain and my heart I sit down at the window seat of the plane, in-hailing and exhaling. I’m lost in my thoughts that I don’t even realize a handsome man sit next to me. Dark brown hair, evil looking dimples that make his face and jawline more sculptured, he is wearing everything black, including a hot leather jacket that makes him look hotter.
Oh jeez Blair, CONTROL YOURSELF!
I kindly say hello to him, but he doesn’t say anything back, he looks more like he’s annoyed at me, but mad... extremely mad at something or someone else.
I turn towards the window trying to hide my embarrassment. The plane ride isn’t long. Tulane University has been what I wanted especially after I started having my dreams. I would get peace’s, peace’s of me at this college, and then boom I would wake up and immediately forget everything else. I know Dartmouth would have been a great opportunity for me, but I just had this strong feeling it wasn’t right. I know it sounds stupid... okay it is stupid that I declined Dartmouth because of a stupid feeling and some stupid dreams. As it’s suppose to happen, a taxi that had arrived in perfect timing arrives picking me up and taking me to the not so far away school.
I had every single little detail planed about this... I thought of everything that could possibly go wrong so I would be prepared, but yet I don’t feel like it,. I step out of the taxi, enjoying the amazing view of Tulane’s campus. I grab my things and try to follow the map that would indicate me to the dorms. As I struggle with the horrible printed directions in the map turning is up and down then down and up, then sideways, I bump into something or someone making me fall to the ground. Shocked after I see a handsome looking man with blond hair and blue eyes turn around offering me his hand. I feel like such a clums, I take his hand apologizing for like the third time. He picks up my books, “I’m sorry are you new here” he says with a beautiful deep and calming voice. “That obvious?” I say with a shy smile and playful voice. “No, I just assumed since you’re holding a map in your hands and looking like a lost puppy.” We both laugh it off, and then I ask him for directions to the dorms. Realizing that he didn’t get my name, he quickly screams a “Hey! I didn’t get your name!” I smile and give it to him. He puts his hand on the back of his neck rubbing it and then yelling his name, “Blake!” I smile and I keep walking totally trying to walk fast but not to fast that I look stupid, I feel hot, not physically, I’m sweating, either from the nerves or the really hot weather, or probably both.