Michael had followed James out into the garden. James was stood at far end of it, hands in his pockets, staring off into nowhere. Michael wanted to go up to him and say something, some words of knowledge, of comfort, but he didn't know what words to say.

He stood there, just outside the back door, watching James. He felt both awkward and concerned. He kept turning over the events of half an hour ago. It had been shocking, embracing and disturbing. Michael wished James hadn't done it but it was too late now.

It was Easter Monday and, as always, all the family had gathered at their parents' home for a big meal around their parents’ dining table. Michael was there, so were his sisters, Sarah and Ruth with their respective husbands and children. James, his older brother, like him, was there on his own. Even their grandmother had been brought out of her nursing home for the day. Michael always came to these family gatherings; being back with his family gave him a feeling of belonging to something once again.

As they were sat around the table eating their big meal, their father had begun quizzing James about when was he going to get married and settle down. James had snapped back: "Only when they change the law!" In the following, almost shouted exchanges around that table, James had blasted at them that he was gay and that his flatmate Rick was actually his lover.

The whole table had erupted into life, everyone shouting at James at once, and James snapping back his replies. Michael had sat throughout it all in shocked silence, the food turning to stone in his mouth.

The argument had abruptly ended when James stormed out of the room, after their father told James was talking nonsense and that he knew James wasn't really gay.

An embarrassed silence had fallen over the table then, as they all slowly finished eating. The silence only broken by their Grandmother demanding her pudding.

After the meal, at a suitable moment, Michael went in search of James. He owed it to him as his brother and as a Christian. He found him in the garden.

Slowly Michael walked down the garden path towards James. He tried to walk quietly but his feet made too much noise on the gravel path.

James turned towards him.

"What do you want?" James' voice was flat and cold.

"To see if you're all right," Michael replied.

"Can't you see I'm not!”

"Sorry," Michael mumbled.

"Michael, what do you really want. I know I've screwed up back there," James nodded his head towards the house. "It wasn't how I planned to do it."

"Are you still a Christian?" Michael felt sure James had turned his back on Christianity and everything.

"Yes. Why shouldn't I be?"

"But you're a practising homosexual."

"For Pete’s sake, you sound so 1980's. My partner's another man, so what? It doesn't make me a Satanist."

"But the bible says that homosexuality is a sin. God loves even the homosexual but he hates the sin of homosexuality."

"Shut-up Michael! You don't know what you're talking about," James snapped.

"But God can heal you, cure you. You can be normal and heterosexual. You don't have to be the way you are. All you have to do is ask God's forgiveness and…" The tumbled out of Michael’s in his excitement to tell James his truth.

"I said 'Shut-up'!" James' voice sounded hard with anger, cutting off Michael’s stream of words. "You know nothing. I met Rick at church, our vicar introduced us. We are as committed to each other as any marriage. Being gay is no more a sin then being straight. Meeting Rick was an answer to prayer; he's the most important person in my life. So stop your prejudice and homophobic crap. It's not the first time I've heard that crap."

"Please James, don't close your heart to God's Word," Michael felt himself beginning to plead.

"I knew staying here was a stupid idea. I'm going home, my real home with Rick. You can tell mum and dad whatever you like."

James turned away and walked out of the garden, through the gate at the end of it.

"James, please?… James?… James?…" Michael called out but James didn't answer him, just walked straight through the gate.

Michael simply stood there. He felt hurt by James. He'd only wanted to help him by sharing his beliefs and showing James the right path. Instead, James had simply rejected him. Why hadn't James listened to the truth?

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Michael sat at his untidy table reading his bible, as he did every evening at this time. Twenty minutes to read his bible, then read the study notes for that passage and another twenty minutes to pray. The problem was he always ended up praying the same prayer, begging God to change him. He had followed this ritual for ten years now, ever since he had become a Christian at thirteen. Things had changed when he left parents’ home and moved to Birmingham, but only slightly. When he got back home each evening, before he had dinner, he would sit at his table, take out his bible and read the passage for that day.

He was glad he lived alone, although his flat was no more than a large and badly lit room. He could only live with others if they too were Christians. Janet, at work, had offered him a room in the house share where she lived. But Janet had laughed at the idea of going to church. She said she'd had a belly full of that as a child. Politely he had turned her down; he couldn't live with non-believers they would just pull down his faith.

Sometimes Michael wished being a Christian was easier, not such a permanent uphill struggle, especially when his mind was full of thoughts about Colin - Colin from church. He tried to keep his friendship with Colin at arm's length but that was difficult. Colin was one of those men that physical affection came easily to. He would spring a bear hug on Michael without warning; drape his arm across Michael's shoulders. Half of Michael loved this from a man as handsome as Colin; the other half of him hated himself for enjoying it, for giving in to such physical temptations.

Michael looked up from his bible and stared at the wall in front of him. He had pinned postcards of famous paintings there. He let his attention wonder over them.

Was he in love with Colin? He hoped not but feared he was.

Michael had been asking himself this question again and again and always coming up with the same answer. He found Colin attractive. He could bring to mind a picture of Colin, at will. Colin's smooth black hair with a slight wave to it. Colin's bright green eyes, which always seemed to sparkle. Colin's narrow nose, which drew the eye down to his wide smile. Colin's solid, square body, solid muscles hidden under Colin’s slightly too tight clothes. At church, Michael would always seek out Colin's company. Never fully admitting it to himself, he would try to seek physical affection from Colin (Afterwards he'd feel guilty about this, but it didn't stop him doing it the next time).

He knew it was wrong but he couldn't stop himself. He was so attracted to Colin but felt so trapped.

Michael looked down at his bible but the interest in it had gone. This was happening more often now, leaving him feeling guilty. He couldn't even concentrate on reading his bible, the cornerstone of his faith; he was even a failure at that.

He had known he was homosexual for as long as he could remember. It had always been men who had fuelled his fantasies. For as long he had kept his sexuality a secret. As a nervous teenager he had been physically afraid of it. He had always known his sexuality was a sin. It was all around him at church and at home that homosexuality was the worst sin of all, and as a teenage he had breathed it right into his soul. He had longed for a miracle to turn him heterosexual. The problem was, no miracle arrived.

Five years ago Michael had read an interview in a Christian magazine with a man called Graham, who had turned his back on the homosexual lifestyle when he became a Christian. Through the magazine, Michael wrote to Graham and received a reply. Although Graham lived in Bristol, they wrote to each other for over a year, before Graham's letters suddenly stopped. Graham told Michael what he believed about homosexuality and Michael drank it in. Graham said it wasn't a sin to be homosexual, just unfortunate, but it was a sin to express your homosexuality, especially sexually. Graham said that God had called him to celibacy, but if he were truly blessed God would heal him so he could enjoy a heterosexual marriage. Michael had clutched at everything Graham had said with a sense of relief. He wasn't alone; there were other Christians who were facing the same problems with homosexuality as him and he could escape hell.

Graham also talked about The Release Trust, how they helped him leave homosexuality behind. Graham put Michael in contact with them. At first, Michael only wrote to them. To his relief, The Release Trust's beliefs were the same as Graham's. Michael only went to see someone from The Release Trust after he'd moved to Birmingham. He'd met a counsellor called Tony Carter, whom he saw on and off in the following years. Michael was disappointed that Birmingham didn't have a Release Group, the support group Graham had talked so much about. But Michael was glad to have Tony Carter. For every problem he had, Tony Carter always have an answer. The Release Trust didn't make things any easier, but they did keep him going and away from temptation.

Michael now realised that celibacy came with such a high price. He realised it did not only mean no sex, it meant no intimate contact with anyone. He kept everyone at arm's length to reduce the chance of temptation. Michael accepted this but it didn't make it any easier. Inside he longed for someone special in his life, someone he could love, a man he could love. Inside he also knew that this was wrong, a sin. Quietly he accepted it, but it did not take away the need to be loved that haunted him. He was pulled in two ways, and he hated it. It was worse around Colin, Colin’s very presence tearing at his mind and strength. He wanted that love from Colin, but knew that just wanting it was a sin.

Michael crossed to his kitchen, which was really just a corner of the large room he lived in. A drink of tea would help his concentration. He filled the kettle, plugged it in, and waited. He stared out of the kitchen's window, at his small view of the Common.

He couldn't stop thinking about James, what he had said, although it was three months ago now. It had been such a shock; even now he could still feel it. Part of him wished that James had never told him, part of him was so confused, and part of him wanted to know more about James' life.

Michael had been so hurt the way James had rejected his beliefs, at the time he hadn't the courage to tell James he knew what he was going through too, but now he saw it all in a different light. James wasn't lost, just miss-guided. He had been lead astray by false teachings. James could be redeemed, Michael didn't know how but he was sure he could be. So he carried on praying for James.

Michael was only able to tell Tony Carter about James two weeks ago, it had taken him so long to find the courage to do so. Tony Carter had reassured him that James' views weren't true, he said people choose them because they were easy. "Easy is the road of destruction," Tony Carter had said. He also told Michael it wasn't his fault that James turned his back on him, although sharing his beliefs had been the right thing to do. Tony Carter's advice gave him some comfort but he still felt alienated from James, although they had never been very close before.

Although he knew James' lifestyle was wrong, he couldn't stop thinking about James. He found he got a thrill just from the idea of James' lifestyle, though he couldn't admit it to anyone, not even Tony Carter.

The kettle switched itself off, stream filling the kitchen area. Quickly Michael filled his mug with boiling water.

He had never met Rick and he couldn't let himself do so. Part of him wanted to meet Rick; the man James said made him so happy. Another part of him knew it would be wrong to encourage James and Rick. He also feared the influence they could have over him, could his beliefs be strong enough to challenge? He envied James his happiness. He wanted it too but was afraid of the cost. He would have to turn his back on all his beliefs, on God himself, turn his back on all the security he'd found in his Christianity. He would risk damnation and hell just for happiness? He couldn't do that just for happiness and sex, but sometimes it seemed so tempting.

Michael picked up his drink and returned to the table. But even after drinking some of the hot tea, he still didn't want to go back to reading his bible.

He'd never had a relationship with anyone, man or woman. He'd never had any kind of sex. He felt embarrassed to be called a virgin at his age. It wasn't true, what they said, you never miss what you've never had because he secretly longed for a lover, but he couldn't compromise it with his beliefs, he couldn't.

He wished he had a close friend who he could talk to about how he felt, but he didn’t. All his friends at church he only saw at church, but then again he couldn’t risk getting too close to anyone, especially men like Colin. He only saw Tony Carter every two weeks but Tony Carter was so old, thirty years older than him, Michael felt embarrassed discussing anything intimate with him, Michael had felt sick with embarrassment when Tony Carter asked him if he masturbated.

Michael closed his bible and gave up on it for tonight, his heart wasn't in it. At church they promised him he'd be living an "abundant life" as a Christian, but this didn't feel like it.

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It was a hot day, as it had been all summer. Instead of going home from work, Michael had decided to take a walk on the Common, to try and help him to relax.

For over two weeks now they had been allowed to wear "casual" clothes to work and Michael had taken advantage of it by wearing a tee shirt and chinos, as he had on now.

He just wondered across the common in an absent-minded way. As he walked, his mind wondered, thoughts running into others.

Colin was leaving their church and moving away. He'd announced his engagement to his girlfriend, Val, the previous Sunday, and that they were both going to work in a Christian Conference Centre in Blackpool. They would be moving inside the month. Everyone had been surprised at the suddenness of it all; no one had taken their relationship seriously, least of all Michael.

Michael felt shocked and hurt. It was a hard enough fact to face that Colin and Val were engaged but moving away as well was even worse. Colin was getting married, something Michael couldn't do, and that alone would take him away from their friendship, but he was also moving away and Michael would never see him again. He was losing Colin and there was nothing he could do, Colin was being stolen away from him. It wasn't fair. Michael felt such a failure, even Colin was getting married.

There was no one he could talk to about it, not even at The Release Trust. His recent session with Tony Carter had been cancelled at the last minute. Michael had got a letter telling him Tony Carter no longer worked for The Release Trust, he had left for "personal reasons" and when they could employ someone suitable they would contact him.

Michael felt more alone then ever.

He walked into a copse of trees, on the far side of the Common. He wanted to walk in the shade for a while.

He walked along the winding little path there for ages before he met anyone else. He turned yet another corner and almost tripped over the man there. The man was sitting on a rusted old bench, his legs stretched out into the path.

"Sorry mate," the man said.

"It's all right," Michael replied, stepping over the man's legs.

As he passed by the man he stood up and asked Michael:

"Excuse me mate, have you got the time?"

"Yes," Michael glanced at his watch, "quarter to six."

"Thanks."

Michael turned away and continued to walk along the path. He had only gone a few steps when something made him stop and turn back. The man was still standing there, staring at Michael. The man smiled broadly at him. As Michael stared back at him, he felt a strange thrill. The man was attractive: slightly taller then Michael, with thick dark hair, an oval face, stocky body and his chin covered in five o'clock shadow. He was wearing faded jeans and an old cotton shirt. Michael saw the man was attractive, he didn't want to think that but his mind wouldn't stop, his mind pushing his eyes to stare back at the man.

The man nodded at him and Michael did the same. Neither of them broke eye contact.

Casually the man walked down the path to Michael. Michael stood still, that strange thrill running through him.

The man stopped in front of him.

"You busy?" The man asked.

"No, not really," Michael replied.

"Fancy some fun?"

"Yes…" Michael heard his voice say.

"Good. This way then." The man walked off into the trees. Michael quickly followed, led by that thrill he felt.

They walked quickly through the trees until they came to a hidden clearing, were they stopped.

"It's nice and quiet here," the man said. "No one can see us."

"Good." Michael felt nervous but also a sexual excitement swelling his penis.

"It is." The man moved close to Michael. Suddenly the man's hand went to Michael's groin - he was shocked but didn't pull away. As the man's hand explored his groin Michael felt his excitement building higher; his penis was almost painfully hard.

"That's nice," the man said as his fingers traced the length of Michael's penis, through his trousers. Michael's mind was so buzzing with sexual excitement he couldn't think.

The man quickly opened Michael's flies, slipped his hand into Michael's underwear and lifted out Michael's penis. Michael gasped as he felt his hard penis being brought out into the warm air. He let out a low moan when he felt the man stroked his fingers over his penis. The feeling of the man's hand was all Michael could concentrate on, such new and exciting sensations. The man's hand moved lightly and smoothly over Michael's penis, so different to when he masturbated himself. He closed his eyes, loosing himself in the new sensations and pleasures.

"Don't I get a turn?" The man said.

Michael opened his eyes and saw the man had opened his own flies, his own penis sticking out.

Michael reached over and took hold of the man's penis. It felt different to his own, softer on the outside, longer and with a foreskin that didn't move as freely as his. He just wanted to explore the man's penis, see where it was different to his (he had always thought other men's penises would feel exactly the same as his own), but he could see that wasn't what the man wanted.

Michael found it easy to match his strokes to the man's, both of them masturbating the other, but also it very exciting. Faster and faster their hands moved. Michael found the sexual thrill was racing even faster now, faster and harder than ever before. This was nothing masturbation on his own.

His orgasm came without warning, unlike when he masturbated. He felt a sudden hot pressure in his groin, then his orgasm spilled out in a mess of semen and pleasure that shook his legs, filling his mind with a rush of sensations. As he shook with pleasure his hand gripped the man's penis tighter and harder.

"Fuck!" The man hissed as his penis filled Michael's hand with warm semen.

Michael looked at the man and saw his face beaming with pleasure.

"That was good," the man said.

"Yes," Michael muttered.

The man leant forward and kissed him full on the mouth, the man's lips pushing Michael's own lips apart and his tongue filling Michael's mouth. The kiss was quick, the man's mouth tasted bitter with tobacco, but Michael still enjoyed it.

Quickly they cleaned themselves up.

"I'm Ken," the man said.

"My name's Michael."

"Do you want to meet again?"

"Yes," Michael said without thinking.

"Good. I'll meet you at the bench, back at the path, same time tomorrow. Okay?"

"Yes."

"See you then," Ken said and then walked off into the trees.

Michael looked down and saw that semen had splashed over his right shoe. Had it been that easy to loss his virginity? But it had been unbelievingly exciting.

Hurriedly Michael pushed his penis back into his underpants and zipped up his pants, covering up his modesty again.

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