23rd of August - in a unknown year..

Screams echoed through north Tees hospital as Mrs McDonald pushed out what seemed to be a baby.. 

“ It’s a boy ? “ said the midwife confused ..

As the midwife looked up Mrs McDonald lay there .. 

Dead.

Suddenly  panic washed the room. 

“ Get out panic , this is no time to wash the room !! “ screamed Doctor firth.

Panic was the caretaker of the khospital.

His name pronounced pa-neek.

The doctors rushed around fetching different appliances 

They did everything they could to try and save her.

But it was no use. 

She was gone. 

Mr Cass , Mrs McDonald’s partner , entered the room happy that his son ? Had just been born.

He froze at the sight of his dead partner. 

Although he was having countless affairs , had three other children to different women , was secretly gay and had been married 6 times , 

He loved her like his third wife. 

Something inside Mr cass died that day and it wasn’t just his liver from his drinking problem. 

4 years later ..

Pete and his father moved after that tragic day ..

They moved to a rough town. 

In Manchester. 

Where the average age to have children was 12. 

Pete liked his new town..

Although his father was still in denial about the passing of his partner..  

Pete doesn’t remember her .. 

but since then he has had many different mothers and some men who want to be mothers .

Pete and his father never got on .

He was blamed for her death. 

Petes father was shout at him and beat him as his drinking problem progressed . 

Pete knew he didn’t mean it . 

Pete would go to school and admire the the little boys from afar . 

He wondered what it was like to be loved . 

As Pete grew into a teenager of 15 Pete realised that he was attracted to younger beings . 

The word got round and Pete got the nickname Pervy Pete .

Pete liked it . 

He felt like he belonged . 

And soon after he found love with the ‘ boy ‘ next door.

Harold Wilson , 45 from Doncaster. 

Pete did like him although he was a older man. 

Petes boat was floated. 

Harold was the spring in his step.

The wind beneath his fart . 

The passing of his elderly grandma. 

He really bubbled his fizz.

He was the garlic to his bread. 

The chicken to his nugget . 

( you get the point ) 

They were in love. 

Harold lived In a 1 bedroom council flat with his cat Craig. 

He was slightly over weight weighing at 178 stone.

Well that’s what it sounded like when he was walking around upstairs. 

Sounded like he had brick shoes aswell . 

Anyway .. 

Pete and Harold were young loves dream .

They had long romantic walks around the council estate , Harold couldn’t leave the area as he had a police tag on his ankle . 

They would star gaze in the estate park . At night because Pete wasn’t allowed around young children.

They were like Bonnie and Clyde 

Bonnie being a pedophile and Clyde having diabetes and being out on bail for GBH. 

Like all good things it came to an end.

Harold was caught in bed with Mr Cass . 

Petes father. 

They had been together for months. 

One thing led to another .. 

And Harold was found by Doris from downstairs ,  with a strangulation wound and Mr Cass ( Petes father ) was no where to be seen. 

As Doris had cataracts and didn’t see very well.. 

She definitely didn’t see Pete’s father duck taped to the ceiling. 

With a hoover pipe shoved up his .. 

Well who said romance is dead ..

Pete was now half way down the M1 in his Bentley after robbing Greggs. 

Sandra who worked at the counter at Greggs was later put on sick leave after it was her first day back after a mental breakdown due to the divorce of her now ex - husband who slept with her sister , brother and uncle. 

I think at a point they all had a three way.

Incest it’s the best right ..

Anyway that’s not important.. 

what’s important is Pete has just booked himself into a premier inn under the name Lenny Henry.

Later that night Pete lay awake strapped in by bed sheets ( that weird thing they do at hotels ) 

Thinking about how heart broken he was .. and the fact he had just murdered two people . However what was really playing on his mind was the fact he missed eastenders . 

That was enough to make him sick .

How would he ever find out whether Ian Beale got married again.. 

He rolled over onto his side and saw he phone lit up .

It was a message . 

From...... 

 From.... 

John Flynn ..

A single tear rolled down petes face after he had just jumped up in shock. 

“FLYNN!?!!????” he screamed at the top of his lungs ...

{ REWIND } 

It was the summer of 89 

Pete was a ‘young’ handsomeish man? 

As it was a boiling day Pete decided that he would go to the beach and rub sand on his nuts 

* cough 

Well .. 

Pete made his way onto the beach in slow motion.

He was wearing tight red speedos and his comb over blowing in the wind  

Everyone nearby stopped and stared 

I think at a point a child cried 

 a women threw up 

And a man ran away 

Some time later ... 

Pete had lates his beach towel on the sand after some rituals he had done ..

( let’s not go into that )

Pete decided to sun bathe for abit 

He then got rapid sun burn on his behind ..

So he sat up and what he saw next would change his life forever

He lowered his sunglasses and saw 

A man ..

Not just any man 

A man with black hair and black sideburns 

A tash that some would call a pedo Tash Pete called it art. 

He had vigorous black chest hair and a bear belly 

Tight red speedos and flip flops 

His smile oh his smile .. 

each tooth separated like my parents after there divorce 

And a lovely shade of yellow 

You could colour code your front room with that shade of yellow to help you out 

Flynn walked out of the ocean in slow motion 

Whipping his black pubic like hair around and around 

And with each flick Pete fell in love .. 

He couldn’t take his eyes away from this thing of Beauty 

Flynn made his way into the smelly public toilet .. 

And Pete fell back into his beach town 

“ PINCH ME “ he screamed 

A child happened to be stood next to him 

That child now has multiple therapy sessions 

SUDDENLY 

BANG BANG BANG !

An uproar of noise exploded aswell as the fireworks some kids had set off .. 

One firework hit old man tony in the nut sack 

One firework hit the ice cream stand 

One firework hit a table 

Complete chaos 

Then one firework hit the public toilet 

Petes heart stopped 

But then...

Flynn flew out the other side.. 

Flynn must of been shot about 5 feet across the ground 

Then when he stood up some stupid idiot knocked the DJ stand and the music started playing ‘All Star’ 

Disoriented and confused 

Flynn stood up 

Shaking like an epileptic listening to Elvis , Flynn began to walk off the beech but then .. 

Another firework set off and hit a bin .

The bin was lifted up into the air then the firework exploded.. 

Putting enough force on the bin for it to fly across The beech ... 

hitting a child 

A old man 

Then Flynn knocking him into the arms of Pete

Pete smile cluching Flynn like he was cluching his dick on a rollercoaster 

Nervous and excited 

He wanted to hold on forever but at a point Flynn would be scared 

“ hello my child “ 

Pete said while looking at Flynn dead in the eyes 

Flynn was not crying , shaking and sneezing because he got sand up his nose . 

Then Flynn passed out 

Pete looked at the sky and screamed ...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

He took him back to the estate lay him on his rat infested bed .. 

and said While sniffing and crying

“ I will always love you “ 

Then Flynn awoke 

PETE SAW THIS AS A SIGN OF TRUE LOVE ..

from that day on Flynn .. was his everything 

His every thought 

His everu Dream 

Until Flynn betrayed him in the worst possible way ..

He ate .. 

chicken .. 

WITHOUT PETE 

Flynn pleaded he was sorry and that he didn’t want Pete to hurt him again .. 

Flynn had got 7 restraining orders against him 

Some would say Pete was obsessed 

And it was unhealthy for anyone looking in 

But Pete knew it was true love 

And one day he would give in 

Cause nobody says no to Pete 

Pete followed him around everywhere 

Scared away anyone who tried to talk to him 

Flynn became a quivering mess 

He has no brain capacity as Pete would not let him live 

But Pete was in love 

Until one fateful night ...

When Pete was shoving fireworks through old man Tony’s letter box he heard commotion 

And fired a firework over at the crowd of people 

Flynn was talking with his 10 siblings who he once lived with before Pete forced him to move In with him 

Flynn used to live with his mother and a new dad he had had 8 new dads in the last month 

Anyway .. 

Pete fired the fireworks over at the crowed

Long story short ..

Pete got jail time 

Flynn now only had 5 siblings 

And Pete never saw Flynn again 

Until that message ... 

 Pete nervously opened his Nokia brick with the 10 digit passcode. 

Went to his messages and it read out .. 

‘ Pete I’m guessing you know who this is . It’s happening again . I didn’t want to contact you but it’s worse than your stalking. They or should I say she has found me . Help me Pete if you still love me . ‘ 

Underneath his address was attached . 

Pete knew there was nothing he could do tonight so with that he downed a bottle of vodka . And went to sleep . 

IM NOT OKAAAYYY IM NOT OKAAAY AY AY AYYAYYYY

And for what seemed like a few moments his MCR alarm was going off . 

Pete fell out of bed wakeing the room next to him up but he didn’t know that .. yet . 

Until a few moments later.. 

BANG BANG BANG

Pete jumped out of his skin.

Literally his skin fell off.

But that’s a story for another time. 

He approached the door , unaware he was still naked ( dont judge him he sleeps naked , you do too don’t you .. that’s what I thought ) 

Opened it with a might pull 

He stood tall and proud and then looked down .. 

A young girl stood .. 

stareing at some form of genatallia . 

She screamed 

“ DADDDDDDDDDDXD” (rawr) 

A short butch man approached bald with blue eyes. He couldn’t believe his eyes it was .. it was .. 

Phil Mitchell ! 

“PHIL !! “

The girl stood in confusion.

She then ran away back to her room 

Pete still stood there naked 

“ don’t leave me “ Phil exclaimed 

And with that Pete dragged him into his room . 

He slammed the door and pushed Phil against it he then started kissing him violently. 

“ YOU DONT KNOW HOW LONG IVE WAITED FOR THIS “ Pete shouted in his face 

Phil not screaming with tears running down his face.

“ MY NAMES NOT PHIL IT’S STEVE “ 

Pete stopped looked him dead in the eyes and the creepiest smile man has ever witnessed crawled up his face . 

“ Ooofff I do like a mystery man “ 

Then Pete suddenly stopped 

Turned around and forgot he had ordered room service a few moments before all of the chaos 

There stood the apprentice. With a name tag that read Ethan Warnock . 

He was stood there frozen 

There was an awkward silence. 

As Pete started to walk towards Ethan , Phil farted . 

Pete turned around suddenly to see Phil’s mascara running his lipstick smudged and him crying. 

“ WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT” 

Pete screamed in a high pitched squeal . 

“ I’m sorry I do it when I’m nervous” Phil pleaded 

“ GET OUT YOU DISGUST ME “ 

And Phil darted out the door. 

Leaving it to slam behind him. 

Moments later you could hear his wife shouting and telling him how she wants a divorce . 

Meanwhile .

Pete is still stood naked opposite the shaking apprentice room service boy 

Who had just witnessed everything. 

“ your coming with me “ Demanded Pete. 

“ no please not me aswell “ 

Begged Ethan. 

“ don’t worry , you can help me “ 

Time passed as Pete packed his thongs and things . 

And Ethan was forced to pull the Bentley round to the entrance of the premier inn . 

Pete came out of his room closing the door behind him popping and locking it . Yes boi . 

( for those who didn’t understand that joke fuck you. I tried to have humour ok so just shut up ) 

( jokes plz love me ) 

Anyway . 

As Pete turned to his left he saw the empty hallway leading down to the exit . 

As he turned to his right he saw Phil begging on his knees and his wife with a suitcase 

Now this was opportunity. 

He marched over ( clothed ) 

And said Phillip James Jackson 

What are you doing begging on your knees with this whore ? 

He jumped up 

“ YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME “ 

He said shaking his fist like an angry old man when some rotten kids are on his lawn. 

“ I AM YOUR HUSBAND “ 

He said with his hand on his hip. 

“21 years of marriage and this is the thanks I get “ 

He said sassily 

“ I DONT KNOW YOU “ he turned to his wife “ SHARON I PROMISE I DONT KNOW HIM “ 

Sharon looks at him in disgust 

“ LIKE YOU DIDNT KNOW THOSE 31 OTHER WOMEN AND MEN ON TINDER “ 

She says angrily 

“ YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE “ 

He says in shock 

Sharon begins weeping. 

Pete puts his arm around her shoulder and leads her away. 

“ Come on love we don’t need a piece of dirt like him “ 

Pete hadn’t planned this far ahead 

All he could hear was Phil crying in the background 

“ I LOVE YOU “ 

He screams 

Pete turns around and says 

“ I know you do but it wasn’t meant to be “ and winks at him 

And holds hands with his wife 

“ WHO ARE YOU “ 

“ WHO ARE YOU “ 

He shouts over and over again . 

Later on as they are driving down the M1 Sharon weeping in the back seat , Ethan driving and Pete eating chicken nuggets. 

They come to a truck stop and Pete pushes Sharon out and they drive off . 

“ right that’s that sorted “ 

He exclaims 

Ethan says nothing . 

“ so Ethan“  Pete says playfully 

“ tell uncle Pete abit about yourself” 

“ um .. well there isn’t much to tell”

“ I have a sister who will wonder where I am “ * hopefully 

“ ooooo a sister “ Pete says creepily 

Ethan shakes his head 

He knew this was going to be a long journey . 

After many painful hours of listening to Micheal Jackson  ( bloody great singer ) 

Ethan pulls into the destination Pete says is right 

A man is stood outside 

He is a ugly man 

A very ugly man 

Pete gets out of the car and Flynn gets in 

Ethan senses a tension between them .

“ who the fuck are you “ Flynn says 

“ I don’t know anymore “ Ethan says . 

Pete gets back into the car 

“ John Ethan Ethan John “ Pete says with a hate in his voice 

“ right now drive “ 

They drive for hours in silence until 

“ WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME AFTER I GOT OUT “ Pete shouts with upset and hurt in his voice 

“ YOU BLEW UP 5 OF MY SIBLINGS WITH FIREWORKS YOU WERE SHOVING THROUGH OLD MAN TONYS LETTER BOX “ 

Ethan knew at this point he would not make it away alive . 

They pulled up to another destination it was now night time and they had pulled onto a dodgey looking caravan sight . 

It was a caravan sight there was muffled music coming from all around 

Pete said welcome home 

Flynn and Pete started argueing again about how it would of been there home and Pete had to have sex with fat smelly men in prison to have food. 

Then all of a sudden gunshots were fired 

And Ethan’s sister Emma/Emu appered 

With her best friend Elise/Smelise  

Well we’d soon find out about them. 

“ didn’t think you could run far “ Emu says with a evil smile as she pointed the gun 

At ....