The Fay Hart Revelation.

The name’s Johnny Retro and I am a Private Dick but that’s behind my own doors listening to the names my wife calls me, most of the time I’m a private investigator. It’s a tough job not for the weak hearted, because they might have a heart attack and die.

I specialise in Company Fraud but I got caught so I changed jobs and now I spy on people to see if they’re cheating on their partners, usually with me.

I’ve been pretty lucky and cracked a few cases - in the luggage hold at the airport. I got away with some nice clothes and a lot of perfume. I work long hours because my colleague John Long says 5 hours a day is plenty. Most of my work comes from referrals he’s an Italian mobster and I can’t say no.

My latest job is to keep tabs on a dame called Fay Hart or fart for short. That’s not a request I’m just abbreviating. Fart has been acting suspiciously and suspiciously doesn’t like to be impersonated. Fart lives in a big house on the prairie and enjoys a comfortable lifestyle being chauffeured around on a sofa. She’s married to the mob which is bigamy to say and selfish of her. There’s been a rumour that fart has been seeing another guy despite her visits to the optician so I was given the task of snooping around for a few days to see if I could uncover any dirt which I did but it was small stuff so I brushed it under the carpet.

For a couple of days nothing much happened. Monday she went out I stayed in bed Tuesday I went out she stayed indoors. Wednesday she went to the mall I went to the Doc’s. It wasn’t until Thursday I realised I was following my own wife. She does look similar to fart and we all make mistakes.

So Friday came along because Robinson Crusoe was back in civilisation. I said he could drive me around for awhile so he stuck a steering wheel in my head, strapped roller skates to my feet, jammed an engine up my ass and off we went.

I noticed that Fart went out of town every Wednesday and headed for the hills, a nice family with good principals, all their kids worked in education. I trailed her as far as the Diner and then I lost her because I stopped to eat. I had scrambled eggs on a bagel which when picked up in both hands is also known as eggs on your trousers. I hung around for awhile but my arms ached so I dropped out of the tree and apologised to the couple that I landed on who were making out in their soft top.

Fart was nowhere to be seen so I headed back into town cursing under my breath who was the mechanic that was meant to fix the knocking in my car. I looked in my rear mirror and noticed that a car had been following me for sometime then I remembered I gave a guy a tow because he’d broken down. His wife had left him. I was heading towards my favourite bar the Cirrhosis (they also deliver) to drown my sorrows he was my dog and he’d pissed on the carpet. I noticed out of the corner of my eye a woman resembling a female who looked like the girl I was tailing.

I crossed the road saying ‘bless you road’ as I got to the other side. I watched as Fart entered a cab so I jumped into the cab behind which had left 10 minutes earlier so I just sat on the road. She got out of the cab headed towards passport control. It was busy in there and I couldn’t get too close but I did see her walking through a passenger gate (a couple of scratches but she was ok) and then the gate opened. I managed to sneak a look at the passenger list and she was booked to share a deck with a woman called Ann Otherguy. I stood on the dock side not knowing which ship she was one.

I realised that this case was just one liner after another.

It was a good piece of work.

Until Next Time. Johhny Retro - The Dipstick dick.

©JMc2015

The name’s Johnny Retro and I am a dick. I’m also a private investigator. What I love about my job is my incompetence it is a tool I can’t do without. The job is my life there’s no set times and I can be working under darkness, he’s a fat guy who has an office above me, which is weird because his office is the basement. Every case I get is different except the ones that are the same.

The case I’m about to tell you is full of twists and turns and double dealing. It involved a racing car driver who played with two decks of cards. Actually that isn’t true I just made that up. This morning I took a call it was a mynah bird saying she didn’t want to dig for coal anymore. I told her to call the parrot and repeat what she said to me. I took another call and it was from a woman who didn’t want to give her name so I said she could keep it. She asked if I could meet her out of Town somewhere quiet. There was no library in the hills so we met up in a small diner in a one horse town. The horse served us coffee as me and the woman who now called herself Pistachio macadamia but to me she was just nuts.

Just Nuts had a problem and she wanted me to help her fix it. I told her that I didn’t do plastic surgery so we discussed what she wanted me to do. Just Nuts explained to me that she was married to a guy who had a dark side. I suggested that he turn over on the sun bed occasionally. The husband had acted normally for the last 3-4 years he had a regular job as menstrual cyclist it kept him fit. Pay wasn’t great, that was his boss who was miserable most of the time but Mr Nuts just kept his nose clean with a series of blows into a tissue. Then one day everything changed. Mr Nuts starting coming home late and going straight to bed without opening any doors. Splinters were everywhere; they’re a big catholic family who owned several houses in the same street as the nuts. Just Nuts had called me and asked me to follow Mr Nuts because she thought he was up to no good which is level two on the computer game ‘what are you up to?’

We agreed a fee and she passed me a large envelope, which whilst being a biological oddity is also not a pretty sight across a table. I got back to my office where my secretary Mary John, a post op transsexual was painting her nails whilst trimming her moustache and trying on wigs. The envelope contained photographs of Mr Nuts showing him in normal family situations like posing in the garden, putting up the Christmas tree, washing the car and stealing underwear from the neighbour’s garden whilst the neighbour was still in them.

So I started following Mr Nuts and for several days it was pretty dull but then the weather changed and things started to brighten up. I watched Mr Nuts go in and out of the Tampon factory, usually through a small tunnel. He only worked once a month it took me 30 days to figure that out. I met up with Just Nuts to give her an update I said there’s a guy on floor eleven who likes you but she turned this down. We discussed the case and I said I was struggling to find anything suspicious about her husband. He seemed to just go to work and go home. I advised Mrs Nuts to save her money and trust her husband and she asked me what I thought about the whole case. I said I thought that she and her husband were just going through a difficult period.

As the departing clocks said, till next time.

©JMcN2015