Rolling, rolling, rolling, my heart beat growing faster by the minute.  I land at the bottom of the hill, quickly looking up towards the top of the hill for my little giggling bundle of joy that was rolling behind me.  "Catch me mummy" she yells as she spins towards me.  I kneel up stretching my arms ready for her to land into me.  I gather her up pulling her close to my fast beating heart, hers beating even faster.  Her little arms wrap around me, her sweaty cheeks join mine as she pulls herself to me "again mummy, lets do that again."  I lay back pulling her on top of me.  "Just give me a minute bubba" I say to her.  She lays still on my chest.  I look up watching a few birds way up high, wings out-spread drifting, spiralling slowly towards earth.  "Your heart is beating really hard mumma" Chloe says to me in her cute little three old squeak.  "That was fun wasn't it" I say to her sitting up.  "Can we do it again?" she asks.  "How about you go half way up this time and I'll catch you, mummies heart needs to slow down a little?"  "Okay, catch me...don't forget" she says as she turns to walk back up the hill.  "Don't go too far up" I yell to her.  I don't take my eyes off her as she struggles up the hill, nearly tripping over at one stage.  When she is further than what I like she turns "READY MUM?" she yells.  "YES...READY, SET, GO!" I yell.  I watch her little body rolling, rolling, rolling towards me.  She is giggling whilst trying to spit out bits of mowed lawn from her mouth.  I catch her at the end, swing her around just to add to her dizziness.  We both laugh falling to the ground.  I pick up the bottle of water I left at the bottom of the hill before we started rolling offering it to her.   "Come on pickle, Nanny will wonder where we are" I say as I wipe grass off her then pick some out of her hair.  "You have some too" she says while I'm leaning down.  I look into her eyes as she concentrates of getting out of my hair.  She has his eyes, green like a precious gem.  She smiles, grabs my hand and starts dragging me home.  I walk thinking about these little moments, the ones he is missing out on.

After dinner Chloe goes to bed early, allowing me time to wind down after a hectic week-end.  Amusing a three old can be exhausting but oh so much fun.  I help my mum clear up after dinner, kissing her goodnight and looking forward to curling up with a good book.  I pick up one of the many books my mum picks up at the second hand shop, reading the cover.  I should be reading this book, a thriller about some sniper trying to out-smart another sniper.  But my eyes focus in on the book underneath, a romantic fiction showing a gorgeous girl in the arms of a man on the cover.  Instantly I hold this one to my chest and make my way to bed.  I love these romance novels, silly love stories, happy endings...wishful thinking for some of us no doubt.  I pick up the book looking at the cover again.  The man has beautiful green eyes and girl has hair the same colour as mine.  I start reading picturing myself as the main person and Luke, well he is definitely the green eyed man.  I quickly read the first chapter then put the book down making me think of my life before...

~ * ~

Luke had lived up the road, week days that was.  On week-ends he went to his fathers.  He was such a cool boy, everyone wanted to be Luke.  He had such swag and a mysterious aura always lingered around him.  But to me he was just my best friend, my buddy, my mate.  He just seemed to be there for me...to stick up for me, or rescue me, listen to me, laugh with me.  But from about the age of fifteen I knew I had a serious crush on the boy.  He was eighteen by then, way out of my age limit according to my mum, and his mum also.  I bided my time while he carried on oblivious to my obsession.  I decided by the age of eighteen, the legal consensual age that I would offer myself to him.  Not sure exactly how boys thought back then, this turned out to be a mistake.  A big mistake on my behalf because the day I did this I lost him.  That was the day I found out that I wasn't as important to him as he was to me.  That was the day I found out that I was just a stupid little puppy that followed him around delusional.  That was the day my heart started beating faster than it had ever beaten.

I pick the book back up, I'm tired but I need to read another chapter.  Pushing myself further down the bed I flick the next page over.  This story was so much about what my life had been.  Maybe my life is just like everyone's else's.  'It's just a book Anika, a story, stop thinking so much' I say to myself.  I question myself as to whether to stop reading it, there won't be a happy ending, I only wanted to read books with happy endings and this one hadn't started that way.  I kept reading but.  After the second chapter the story had levelled out a bit, it wasn't exactly like my life I decided.  The girl in the story was smarter than me, she was definitely prettier, the author description made her out to have pretty pixie like features.  I don't think my face is 'pixie like' but I'm sort of short and had been told I was like a little pixie numerous times.  The boy in the story had green eyes like Luke's, he was about the same average height I imagined, he was tough looking, having a slightly rough up-bringing.  Once again I put the book down and tried to picture what Luke looks like now...

~ * ~

Back then Luke was taller, musclier and so much more attractive than any other boy in school.  Girls would swoon around him, boys would swarm around him, he was that boy, you know the boy that was just it.   I would stand against the lockers watching them all gather.  He would look over the heads of everyone else and spot me.  His face would change from serious to adorable.  He would barge his way over to me, flopping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to his warm sweet smelling body.  No doubt girls envied me, I wish I could've been envied for more than just Luke's little pixie friend that hung around him like a bee to the honey.  We would walk home laughing and talking everyday until Friday when he would say his good-bye and leave me.  Then on Monday morning he would be waiting outside my front door ready to walk to school.  He never spoke much of his time at his dad except his cousin Ricky was there, so he always had someone to hang around with.  He showed me the first of his tattoos, his first at such a young age, a wolf in a emblem representing his Dad's lifestyle.  I never said anything about it to anyone knowing he wouldn't want to answer questions.

By now I'm really really needing to go to sleep.  I dog-ear the page but know I'm up to Chapter 3.  I shift down into my pillow hoping sleep with come quick and my mind will not go crazy with the usual nightmares.  Sometime during the night Chloe crawls into my bed, her little body snuggles up against mine, I feel my heart beat slow down, not realising it had been racing, not remembering what I was dreaming about but knowing like usual it probably wasn't good.  I pull Chloe close to me, my nose to her hair, her little hand holding mine.  She is the only goodness that came from my past and I'll protect her until the day I die.    

Luke...

I pull up outside the clubhouse, swinging my leg over the Harley I had just finished building.  I wipe a smudge off the newly painted petrol tank portraying a girl with long brown hair standing strong, defiant.  My Dad comes out with the rest of the guys to see the bike finally finished.  He stands back looking at it rubbing his bearded chin smiling.  "It's a work of art son, you should be very proud" he says to me.  "I think I'll keep this one, sort of like that women's face between my legs" I say to him cheekily.  He leans over to see what I mean.  "Anyone I know?" he says not looking at me.  "No...not really, I suppose she does look a little bit like a friend I use to have back in high school."  He puts his arm behind me guiding me inside the clubhouse.  I wanted to put the bike in the shed up near my place but I'll have beer with him then do it.  When I walk in I'm greeted with the usual hoo ha I'm use to by all the guys.  I sit down at the bar, sipping on my beer.  My Dad sits next to me looking worried.  I've learnt not to speak until I'm spoken to so I just sit there.  I can see in the mirror behind the bar the reflection of a few scantily dressed woman walking around finding someone willing to give them a bed to sleep in tonight.  I keep looking when a tall blonde puts her arm over my shoulder, rubbing herself up against me like a desperate cat looking for food.

"Hey beautiful boy, you looking for company tonight?" she says close to my ear looking at me in the reflection.  I lean my head back to look at her face to face.  "No thanks sweet-heart, not tonight, but I'll keep your offer in mind for another time" I say looking down at her rather large cleavage thats push up around her chin.  I swear she offers herself to me every night, and if I was like any other bloke here in the clubhouse I would of banged her by now, numerous ways, numerous times but I'm not like all the other blokes sitting around me.  My Dad starts speaking next to me taking my mind off the woman next to me.  "Leave us" he growls at her, making her scurry off.   "Your mother contacted me today" he says looking at me in the mirror not to my face.  I had a strained relationship with my mum after I chose to come and live full time here at the clubhouse with my old man.  It wasn't by choice rather than running away from the memories and the shame.  He looks at me waiting for me to answer.  "Yeah...it's been a while, how is she?" I say trying to stay cool.   He leans on the bar like it's a real effort to talk about the love he once had with her.  There marriage didn't last, she thought she could change him, and he thought she would accept this sort of life, too much pressure between them ending it.  Of course they stayed friends for my sake but she has never really liked me coming here and now she really hates that I live here.  Ricky lived here for a little while until he stuffed up and got chucked in jail, his father being my Dad's little brother.

"She's worried about something but wouldn't give me the details telling me she needs to see us both."  I could see him struggling even thinking about seeing her after all these years, let alone sitting with her in the same room.  "Must be serious then, I mean that's a big deal if she wants to not only see me but you too" I say giving him a cheeky smirk.

~ * ~

My Mum had done quiet well as a writer of short stories which started as a hobby while she worked night shift at the hospital as a nurse.  She had done all this while raising me during the week, sending me to my Dad's every week-end.  He didn't bring me here to the clubhouse until I was about fifteen, where I mingled with the guys, learnt their ways, got my first tattoo, lost my virginity and the rest is history.  Now this is my home, I run my bike building business from here, this is where I live now.  My mind goes back to my special friendship, the only person I ever cared about.  She was a like a little pixie, all small and cuddly.  Perfect height for my arm to always be over her shoulder.  But what I loved the most was her conversation.  Talking so fast, so expressively, hands always moving while she explained just how funny something in class was today, she amused me all the way home from school everyday with something new.  Then that smile every morning just made my day.  

"She'll be here tomorrow, I tried to sway her to meet somewhere else but she wanted to see where you live and work, so here's heads up Luke, tidy up the place, you know your mother as well as I do."  I only caught the last bit of his conversation in my daydream.  I just nod to him, finished my beer then walk out, pushing my bike into the shed ready to cover it over, putting my baby to bed.  Before I do I look again at the muriel.  The girl's hair is blowing back in the breeze, her face has small but strong features, she holds her head high, but her eyes look worried.  The artist had drawn up the women from a photo I had given him plus one of my favourite photos of a native american women I had on a poster in my room years ago.  I softly stroked my finger down the paintwork wishing it was her beneath my fingers.

I showered then pick up a book about a sniper trying to leave the business trying to read for a while until I fall to sleep.   The next morning I hurried around cleaning the place before I go down to the workshop hoping to get a few hours in before my mother turns up.  When I open the door the big busted girl from last night is about to knock on the door.  Her hands are full of groceries, so she is thankful she didn't have to find a way to knock.  "Hey, your Dad said put these away and stay here until he gets here."  I open the door for her to come in.  She walks in her eyes going all over the place, I'm not sure if she see's much of daytime knowing her profession.  "This is nice, cosy, do you live here alone?" she says.  "Yeah most times, if they have guests they tend to let them stay here, depending on who it is of course" I say.  I'm talking about if any of the guys misses and kids visit they tend to push them off up here rather than putting up with the noise and general dirtiness of the clubhouse.  But she doesn't need to know that.  "So if you take a women for the night she would be privileged staying here, rather down in that shit-hole" she says looking out the window down the hill at the clubhouse.  "If you don't like where your head lays each night why don't you stop doing what you do?" I ask her genuinely curious about her choice of lifestyle.  "Got a kid to feed, no choice for me buddy" she says walking closer to me.  "Ok then thanks for getting the groceries...I'll see you later" I say to her while she stands close to me.  "Are you sure you don't want me to do anything else for you beautiful boy?"  I quickly move out of her way, opening the front door signalling her the way out the door.  "Bye" she says all sultry as she closes the door behind her.  

I pack the groceries away, get out the nicest, cleanest cups ready for mum, a little bit angry that I've been ordered to stay here and that woman won't leave me alone.            

Anika...

In the morning I quickly dress Chloe checking my watch knowing I'm running late for class.  I hurriedly drop her at childcare, kissing her then leaning down to tell her the plan, the usual plan the same everyday but still I need to reassure her for my own sanity.  "It's Monday sweetie, so mummy needs to go straight to work from school, so Nan will be here to pick you up.  You be good for her ok" I say pulling her in for a hug.  "I will help her cook dinner mummy" she says smiling at me.  I hate leaving her for so long but I only have a few more weeks left until I'll be a qualified school teacher, then I hope I will find a decent job rather than the shitty bar job I currently work at, and I'll have the same hours as Chloe.  I just need to keep doing this for this last term then my life will hopefully change.  Maybe we can get a bigger place, out of the city, somewhere Chloe can run around safely.  Somewhere my mum can sit in the sun and enjoy life a little bit more.  She tells me she's happy but I know when I moved dragging her along it wasn't her choice to end up in the middle of a bustling city, she's a country girl at heart, so I want to take her back home eventually.  But at the moment this is where I have to stay hidden.  Hiding is what I've become good at.  I get to class just in time to find the last seat quickly setting myself up for the next six hours of lectures.  I look around smiling at familiar faces, just people I greet with a 'hi' but people I've never got friendly with.

 ~ * ~

I did this at school too.  Luke was my only friend, the only one I connected with.  I was friendly enough, girls would hang around with me, now I think about it, probably to be seen with Luke.  When they worked out that he just wasn't interested then they would move on.  I would stay in on week-ends and read mostly.  I would help mum with the chores, cook, did general house duties.  Occasionally mum and I would go the movies, but most times I would wait around for Monday just to see Luke again.  When Luke left school he would still wait for me at the gate to walk home with him.  He was doing a mechanics apprenticeship with his cousin at the local shop, but still disappeared every week-end.  Sometimes his cousin would be waiting to walk with us.  I didn't like Ricky at all, he was creepy.  He was so destructive.  He would kick letter boxes, stir dogs up making them bark, yell at cars passing.  Luke would tell him off but he just kept doing it.  He was so hyper-active and impossible to communicate with.  Luckily it was only about one day a week, Fridays when the boys would get picked up to go their fathers.  Luke would pull me in for his usual good-bye hug, Ricky would attempt one until I would quickly turn from him.  I just didn't like him but I never said anything bad about him to Luke, after all it was his family.

I run to catch a bus to start my shift, the night closing in quickly.  I dash out the back room chucking my back-pack down, lifting my t-shirt up, changing into the pubs shirt, not happy about having two large owl eyes spread across my chest, representing the pubs name 'Night Owl pub' then quickly wrapping my apron around my front.  I pick up my tray and start walking around my designated tables picking up glasses and checking the patrons for drinks.  I know what smile gets me bigger tips, and who to be friendly to.  I had to learn this real quickly.  I flit around never staying in one place for very long, another thing I learnt, never letting anyone pin me down in one spot.  Ian smiles at me from behind the bar, he's my boss but not the owner of the pub.  "You need a lift home tonight Ani" he says.  "Yes please if it's no hassle, looks like it's going to be a late one" I say looking around at the crowd.  He smiles back at me while he serves two giggling girls sitting the other side of the bar.  He's pretty good looking, probably considered a friend, well he's the closest thing to a friend I have these days but that's all I feel about him.  Unfortunately he thinks I'm more interested in him as more, and is always asking me out.  If I wasn't desperate about how to get home without using public transport I would gently back off from catching a lift with him so he sort of got the idea I'm not interested but I'm desperate not to be out at night by myself so I can't.

After six straight hours on my feet I'm done.  Ian checks all around before we dash to his car.  The pub isn't in the safest area of the city and we've had a few run ins with people loitering around after the pub has closed in the past so we are both vigilant about who is hanging around. We both laugh when we lock ourselves in the car, like it's become a bit of a game getting from the back door to the car.  "When is he going to get  a security guard for us" Ian says out loud.  "Pfft never, that means spending money, besides we are very replaceable."  I struggle to stay awake on the journey home.  Ian says good-bye, sort of leaning towards me like usual before I jump out of the car.  His car sits there idling until I wave him off.   I sneak into bed, nearly asleep until I'm jerk awake by the blankets getting pulled to the other side.  I turn before Chloe is snuggling up to me.  "Love you mummy" she says before she closes her eyes.  "Love you too sweet-pea" I say kissing her.  I know I won't dream tonight while this little bean is cuddled up beside me.  Sleep comes quick and easily.