You were the storm

The storm I should have kept distance from

So peaceful yet capable of destroying a world filled with laughters 

in seconds

We spent restless nights carving the special memories into this 

world

Wasted nights; 

Texting 

Playing video games

Endless amounts of facetime calls 

Your eyes reflected black tourmaline, your personality struck through my chest like a blade keeping a burning sensation.

 Looking into your eyes I found myself lost at the bottom of the ocean, 

Confusion

Anger

Imperfections 

you were in so much pain.

 You were like a mountain up in the sky impossible to reach. Filled with barbed wire across every inch of land surrounding you, you didn’t want a reaching hand yet you let me through, in the middle of that mountain I found a gate.

Taller than any door I’ve seen with the touch of my hand it cracked open.

You let me unlock the chamber you hid from the world. 

Inside I found you and a small flame that was slowly burning out.

I was that flame. 

You held me in your arms close to your chest.

The sounds of your beating heart and s l o w e d  breathing reminding you were alive ringed in my ear.

You were holding me protecting me from discovering the real you.

Afraid you may lose control. 

 I trusted you so I stayed behind and promised not to go anywhere,  with time you showered me with affection, s l o w l y  pouring your struggles onto me, I was the only person who understood you. 

But why couldn’t you let me go?

I started to realize how much pain you were putting me through. 

Being locked up in your chamber I couldn’t unlock.

 Were my screams for help, not enough for you to hear me? 

How can you call this a relationship when you stopped putting effort.

Why was I picking all the shattered pieces of glass with bare hands stabbing through each insecurity? 

While I was locked in your chamber, you laughed it off negatively commenting on the person who I thought you loved. 

You didn’t hesitate to take me down when you knew I was at my weakest point in life. 

I was the light to your life and you let it burn. 

The nights we spent texting, quickly turned into me staring at a dark screen with tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I’ve waited 

Waited 

And waited for your name to appear on my screen.

Yet nothing.

All I could do was pray for the man I fell in love with to come back but never did. 

While you stood out there proud I was the shadow to who you became.

In return, I got treated like this? 

When I decided to cut the last string holding us together, I fell into a deep state of a coma. 

If only I had known the storm was about to get worse.

Taking someone out as important as you was not easy. 

After the first few months, I was lost, being tossed out of your chamber into your dark, rainy and cold forest.

The forest that kills

 The air filled with a heavy thick coat of fog that stuck onto the air. The sounds of thunder rattled through the sky.

The path to finding myself kept getting blocked by your confusion. I walked for miles in a thin white dress pierced by the wounds you stabbed into me. 

Your goal was to ruin me. 

I knew it was officially over when your barbed wire sliced through my wounded skin. 

Fresh blood dripped out from my pale hands, shaking in fear as I fell to my knees when the last waves of thoughts shattered onto me falling from the sky.

This was your way of letting me go. 

I tripped and fell many times thinking I can get you back.

Instead, you laughed and called me ‘ weak’

Even after leaving you, I’ve read the messages you sent.

I wished I’ve never read them, but you know exactly what you said.

You didn’t think twice, how this would affect me. 

Did you think I wouldn’t find out?

I now know that I didn’t change a single thing about you.

And that is not my position. 

Reaching the front entrance. All the memories of us crashed onto me like a tsunami where then I was pushed out falling deeper into the ocean.

Pressure is getting heavier. 

It’s harder to breathe. 

No one can hear my screams for help. 

I was left in my ocean of pain, guilt, and jealousy. 

Sometimes we aren’t meant to read everything. 

If you knew I was suffering from the inside, 

why did you do this to me?

 It took months to rebuild the scars you left. 

Because of you I now struggle with my physical appearance.

Because of you, I don’t want another relationship.

Because of you, I don’t know what trust is.

Because of you, I lost hope.

Because of you, I keep myself protected from another storm.

Because of you, I cried every night.

Because of you, I got rid of the key to my heart. 

Because of you, I became more insecure. 

Because of you, I am afraid.

Because of you, I write this.

I worked my ass off for half a year trying to love myself only for you to come back. 

Begging for me.

You begged and begged.

You just couldn’t take “ No” for an answer? 

Therefore you thought  the best decision

Was threatened to kill yourself?  

How would you feel if you were in my position?

No matter how much I refused to send anything,

 I know you’ll never understand what I suffered being by your side. 

 No matter how much you say you’ve changed, you didn’t change a bit.

  I’ll be there for that girl when you do the same thing.

No beautiful soul should have to be put through your satisfaction of use and needs. 

I cried myself to sleep, was my body the only thing you saw of me? 

All the progress I made from recovering felt like nothing after that night.  

But weren’t you the same person who spoke so negatively about my body?

After that night I never texted you again. 

Two years later, here I am fully recovered from your torture meant. 

To think I was in love with a guy

Who never said 

“ I  love you “ once. 

-Karime Ortiz