You were the storm
The storm I should have kept distance from
So peaceful yet capable of destroying a world filled with laughters
We spent restless nights carving the special memories into this
Playing video games
Endless amounts of facetime calls
Your eyes reflected black tourmaline, your personality struck through my chest like a blade keeping a burning sensation.
Looking into your eyes I found myself lost at the bottom of the ocean,
you were in so much pain.
You were like a mountain up in the sky impossible to reach. Filled with barbed wire across every inch of land surrounding you, you didn’t want a reaching hand yet you let me through, in the middle of that mountain I found a gate.
Taller than any door I’ve seen with the touch of my hand it cracked open.
You let me unlock the chamber you hid from the world.
Inside I found you and a small flame that was slowly burning out.
I was that flame.
You held me in your arms close to your chest.
The sounds of your beating heart and s l o w e d breathing reminding you were alive ringed in my ear.
You were holding me protecting me from discovering the real you.
Afraid you may lose control.
I trusted you so I stayed behind and promised not to go anywhere, with time you showered me with affection, s l o w l y pouring your struggles onto me, I was the only person who understood you.
But why couldn’t you let me go?
I started to realize how much pain you were putting me through.
Being locked up in your chamber I couldn’t unlock.
Were my screams for help, not enough for you to hear me?
How can you call this a relationship when you stopped putting effort.
Why was I picking all the shattered pieces of glass with bare hands stabbing through each insecurity?
While I was locked in your chamber, you laughed it off negatively commenting on the person who I thought you loved.
You didn’t hesitate to take me down when you knew I was at my weakest point in life.
I was the light to your life and you let it burn.
The nights we spent texting, quickly turned into me staring at a dark screen with tears rolling down my cheeks.
And waited for your name to appear on my screen.
All I could do was pray for the man I fell in love with to come back but never did.
While you stood out there proud I was the shadow to who you became.
In return, I got treated like this?
When I decided to cut the last string holding us together, I fell into a deep state of a coma.
If only I had known the storm was about to get worse.
Taking someone out as important as you was not easy.
After the first few months, I was lost, being tossed out of your chamber into your dark, rainy and cold forest.
The forest that kills
The air filled with a heavy thick coat of fog that stuck onto the air. The sounds of thunder rattled through the sky.
The path to finding myself kept getting blocked by your confusion. I walked for miles in a thin white dress pierced by the wounds you stabbed into me.
Your goal was to ruin me.
I knew it was officially over when your barbed wire sliced through my wounded skin.
Fresh blood dripped out from my pale hands, shaking in fear as I fell to my knees when the last waves of thoughts shattered onto me falling from the sky.
This was your way of letting me go.
I tripped and fell many times thinking I can get you back.
Instead, you laughed and called me ‘ weak’
Even after leaving you, I’ve read the messages you sent.
I wished I’ve never read them, but you know exactly what you said.
You didn’t think twice, how this would affect me.
Did you think I wouldn’t find out?
I now know that I didn’t change a single thing about you.
And that is not my position.
Reaching the front entrance. All the memories of us crashed onto me like a tsunami where then I was pushed out falling deeper into the ocean.
Pressure is getting heavier.
It’s harder to breathe.
No one can hear my screams for help.
I was left in my ocean of pain, guilt, and jealousy.
Sometimes we aren’t meant to read everything.
If you knew I was suffering from the inside,
why did you do this to me?
It took months to rebuild the scars you left.
Because of you I now struggle with my physical appearance.
Because of you, I don’t want another relationship.
Because of you, I don’t know what trust is.
Because of you, I lost hope.
Because of you, I keep myself protected from another storm.
Because of you, I cried every night.
Because of you, I got rid of the key to my heart.
Because of you, I became more insecure.
Because of you, I am afraid.
Because of you, I write this.
I worked my ass off for half a year trying to love myself only for you to come back.
Begging for me.
You begged and begged.
You just couldn’t take “ No” for an answer?
Therefore you thought the best decision
Was threatened to kill yourself?
How would you feel if you were in my position?
No matter how much I refused to send anything,
I know you’ll never understand what I suffered being by your side.
No matter how much you say you’ve changed, you didn’t change a bit.
I’ll be there for that girl when you do the same thing.
No beautiful soul should have to be put through your satisfaction of use and needs.
I cried myself to sleep, was my body the only thing you saw of me?
All the progress I made from recovering felt like nothing after that night.
But weren’t you the same person who spoke so negatively about my body?
After that night I never texted you again.
Two years later, here I am fully recovered from your torture meant.
To think I was in love with a guy
Who never said
“ I love you “ once.