Your Letter

Your Letter
You were the storm
The storm I should have kept distance from
So peaceful yet capable of destroying a world filled with laughters
in seconds
We spent restless nights carving the special memories into this
world
Wasted nights;
Texting
Playing video games
Endless amounts of facetime calls
Your eyes reflected black tourmaline, your personality struck through my chest like a blade keeping a burning sensation.
Looking into your eyes I found myself lost at the bottom of the ocean,
Confusion
Anger
Imperfections
you were in so much pain.
You were like a mountain up in the sky impossible to reach. Filled with barbed wire across every inch of land surrounding you, you didn’t want a reaching hand yet you let me through, in the middle of that mountain I found a gate.
Taller than any door I’ve seen with the touch of my hand it cracked open.
You let me unlock the chamber you hid from the world.
Inside I found you and a small flame that was slowly burning out.
I was that flame.
You held me in your arms close to your chest.
The sounds of your beating heart and s l o w e d breathing reminding you were alive ringed in my ear.
You were holding me protecting me from discovering the real you.
Afraid you may lose control.
I trusted you so I stayed behind and promised not to go anywhere, with time you showered me with affection, s l o w l y pouring your struggles onto me, I was the only person who understood you.
But why couldn’t you let me go?
I started to realize how much pain you were putting me through.
Being locked up in your chamber I couldn’t unlock.
Were my screams for help, not enough for you to hear me?
How can you call this a relationship when you stopped putting effort.
Why was I picking all the shattered pieces of glass with bare hands stabbing through each insecurity?
While I was locked in your chamber, you laughed it off negatively commenting on the person who I thought you loved.
You didn’t hesitate to take me down when you knew I was at my weakest point in life.
I was the light to your life and you let it burn.
The nights we spent texting, quickly turned into me staring at a dark screen with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I’ve waited
Waited
And waited for your name to appear on my screen.
Yet nothing.
All I could do was pray for the man I fell in love with to come back but never did.
While you stood out there proud I was the shadow to who you became.
In return, I got treated like this?
When I decided to cut the last string holding us together, I fell into a deep state of a coma.
If only I had known the storm was about to get worse.
Taking someone out as important as you was not easy.
After the first few months, I was lost, being tossed out of your chamber into your dark, rainy and cold forest.
The forest that kills
The air filled with a heavy thick coat of fog that stuck onto the air. The sounds of thunder rattled through the sky.
The path to finding myself kept getting blocked by your confusion. I walked for miles in a thin white dress pierced by the wounds you stabbed into me.
Your goal was to ruin me.
I knew it was officially over when your barbed wire sliced through my wounded skin.
Fresh blood dripped out from my pale hands, shaking in fear as I fell to my knees when the last waves of thoughts shattered onto me falling from the sky.
This was your way of letting me go.
I tripped and fell many times thinking I can get you back.
Instead, you laughed and called me ‘ weak’
Even after leaving you, I’ve read the messages you sent.
I wished I’ve never read them, but you know exactly what you said.
You didn’t think twice, how this would affect me.
Did you think I wouldn’t find out?
I now know that I didn’t change a single thing about you.
And that is not my position.
Reaching the front entrance. All the memories of us crashed onto me like a tsunami where then I was pushed out falling deeper into the ocean.
Pressure is getting heavier.
It’s harder to breathe.
No one can hear my screams for help.
I was left in my ocean of pain, guilt, and jealousy.
Sometimes we aren’t meant to read everything.
If you knew I was suffering from the inside,
why did you do this to me?
It took months to rebuild the scars you left.
Because of you I now struggle with my physical appearance.
Because of you, I don’t want another relationship.
Because of you, I don’t know what trust is.
Because of you, I lost hope.
Because of you, I keep myself protected from another storm.
Because of you, I cried every night.
Because of you, I got rid of the key to my heart.
Because of you, I became more insecure.
Because of you, I am afraid.
Because of you, I write this.
I worked my ass off for half a year trying to love myself only for you to come back.
Begging for me.
You begged and begged.
You just couldn’t take “ No” for an answer?
Therefore you thought the best decision
Was threatened to kill yourself?
How would you feel if you were in my position?
No matter how much I refused to send anything,
I know you’ll never understand what I suffered being by your side.
No matter how much you say you’ve changed, you didn’t change a bit.
I’ll be there for that girl when you do the same thing.
No beautiful soul should have to be put through your satisfaction of use and needs.
I cried myself to sleep, was my body the only thing you saw of me?
All the progress I made from recovering felt like nothing after that night.
But weren’t you the same person who spoke so negatively about my body?
After that night I never texted you again.
Two years later, here I am fully recovered from your torture meant.
To think I was in love with a guy
Who never said
“ I love you “ once.
-Karime Ortiz
