I sit on the bed and reminisce. So many emotions are vibrating through my body right now. I can't believe this is it. This is goodbye. I try. I try hard to hold back the tears, but I just can't. A tear runs down my cheek, and then another, and then another. Before I know it, the tears are just streaming down my face like an island waterfall. Are they tears of sadness? Joy? I'm not sure... All I know is that I'm not ready to say "goodbye". I force myself to stand up. I begin to walk around slowly, taking in the moment, trying to savor every last bit of it, doing one last sweep to make sure I don't leave anything behind. As I walk around, I can't help but cry even more as I replay images of all the memories that were made here in my head. So many great memories were made here. I can see them all: my first time here, the events that transpired on that night, falling asleep in his arms, the way it made me feel, the amazing sex we had, we were so carefree; we were so…in love. Just two friends, best friends, having a good time together.
24 Hours Earlier...
As I lie here in the bathtub, this bathtub, for the final time, I think. I think about all the things that have happened, all the memories made. I lay here and relax, waiting on him. He’s bound to show up at any time, but I don’t rush. I haven’t rushed in so long; why would I now? It’s much more fun this way. I’m actually not quite sure when he’ll show up, but he will. If I am in the tub, he’ll just sneak in the bathroom and join me. I think he gets a thrill out of it. I don’t mind. I like it when he joins me. If I get out of the tub before he arrives, I get to surprise him. I guess there really is no surprise because he already knows what’s waiting for him. He knows that when he walks through that door, he will be walking into his own personal sanctuary, and my happy place, our happy place. He knows everything will be set up for him, waiting for him, just as he left it, and I… Well, I’ll either be lying in the tub relaxed and half asleep or naked in the bed, still asleep as he had left me, or lying in the bed naked, having started our day without him. I’m not sure which scenario is his favorite. I guess it depends on his mood. If he hasn’t showered, he likes for me to wait for him so that he can join. If he’s already showered, he doesn’t care if I’m asleep or playing our favorite game, as long as I’m naked and there is room for him to get as close to me as he possibly can.
Ah… how relaxing this bath is. I sure am going to miss it, but like all things in life, they eventually come to an end. This, this moment, right now, tonight, this is the end. This comforting feeling I feel, lying here, in this tub, surrounded by candles, lights off, it’s so overwhelming. I am going to miss everything about it. So many memories were made here, in this tub. So many great moments; moments I never want to forget. I remember the first time I saw the tub; I was so excited about the size of it. He could tell too. He knows I love baths. He enjoys them too, but I’m sure he would never say that out loud. He’s funny like that. He has this… I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it or think of the right term for it, but it’s somewhat of a facade, but not quite. He projects this self-image of himself when he’s not behind closed doors. It’s not much different from who he actually is, so I can’t really call it a facade. However, the person he is behind closed doors is so much more. The person I’ve come to know, the man who shared his true identity with me and included me in his private life, he is so much more. There are so many more dimensions to him. What he allows others to see when he’s out in public is just the tip of the iceberg of who he really is. He is a truly unique individual. He’s so charismatic. I guess that’s why I’m so drawn to him, along with so many others.
As I lie in this tub, a part of me wants to cry… A LOT because I know this will be the last time I will get to lay in this tub. The last opportunity for us to lay in the tub together and relax, my back against his chest as he caresses my body, running his fingertips up and down my arms, the occasional kiss on the neck, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, putting his arms around me and squeezing me tight. I sure do wish he was already here, so we could have one last moment, make one last memory in this tub. Maybe we can take another bath when he finally arrives. I won’t mind. I know that he will want to at least take a shower as soon as he gets here. I know he will want me to join as well. I suppose we did take a bath together last night. It was so perfect. This last week together, here, has been so perfect. I’m not ready for it to end. I don’t want it to end. So much fun has been had here, so many memories. However, we must look forward and move on, leave the past behind us, leave this place behind us.
We always knew when we started this whole thing that it was only temporary. Heh, temporary… Who gets to decide what is permanent and what is temporary anyway? Don’t we all eventually decide our own fate at some point in time? And why even label it as that? Why label anything at all? I feel like once you put a label on something, it changes everything. He feels the same way. I guess at the time, when all of this began, that was the assumption. The circumstances have changed now though, and temporary is no longer the only option. When we realized our time here was coming to an end, we decided what better time than now to take a week off and disappear together. Escape from our day to day lives and exclude ourselves from the outside world, embrace each other and enjoy each other and only each other. I must admit, it’s been nice. I’ve missed this, closing ourselves in, detached from anyone else. We haven’t done this in so long, except…this time it’s different. It’s not quite exactly like our usual “getaway”. This time, he’s really gone out of his way or as much out of the way as would be considered out of the way for him. Most of the time, our little escapes to paradise were primarily about him. Primarily about him? What am I saying? I would focus mainly on him. He tries to make it fair and cater to me just as much, but I usually don’t allow it. I’m always aiming to please him. He loves it, though, he doesn’t want to take advantage, so he tries to focus on me before I can start on him. Sometimes he wins. Most times he loses. This time… This time I think he knows I’m taking things much harder than him, so he’s going out of his way to make this week all about me. I can tell. I can see it in the way he looks at me. Occasionally I’ll catch him. I’ll look up and catch him looking at me as though I’m a child, not quite ready to step out of the house and leave home. I’ve caught him a few times now. Each time I catch him, he quickly looks away as if he was just caught stealing. He’s treated me like a queen this whole time. I haven’t had to do a single thing but just relax. I’ve never felt so…I don’t know, special I guess. I’ve never been treated like a queen before. He has done nothing but cater to my every want or need this week. I never want this moment to end; I want to stay here with him forever. Whenever we’re together, nothing else matters. It’s like we’re the only two people in our own little world. We are the only ones who matter. There’s just something about him. He makes me feel so comfortable, so at ease, so alive. When I’m with him, I feel safe. When I’m with him, I know everything is going to be okay. Even when they aren’t, I know they are or they will be okay. When we’re together, I feel like anything is possible, like I can take on anything with him by my side. It’s one of the reasons I am so drawn to him. It’s a big reason a lot of people are drawn to him. He’s charismatic and has this charm about him. I can always count on him to cheer me up or uplift my spirits. Long before we started this whole affair, before we ever thought about getting romantically involved, before we became best friends, he was always encouraging, generous, and inspiring. He helped me without me asking for it. He taught me so many new things. I thought I was self-motivated and knowledge seeking, but not like him. I am nowhere near as motivated or determined as him.
I don’t know why but I feel nervous. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering like moth’s around a light bulb in the dark. Why do I feel so nervous? This is nothing new. We’ve been here so many times before. Me, sitting here, waiting for him to arrive or lying naked in bed, sometimes pretending to be asleep or already half way there. Why am I so nervous? I shouldn’t be nervous. I’m waiting for the man that I can be myself around. The one man I know won’t judge me. Well… the one man that I’m not related to that won’t judge me. He knows more about me than anyone else. Sometimes he knows me more than I know myself. So why do I feel like this? Why is my heart racing? I've never felt nervous around him before. I feel the most comfortable when I'm with him. I feel more comfortable with him than when I'm with my own family. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so many emotions at any one time in my entire life. Maybe that's why I'm feeling nervous now. And maybe it's not so much nervousness as it is anxiety. There I go over analyzing again. I need to stop.
God. It sure does feel like a long time has passed. I wonder where he's at. Maybe I should try calling him. I sit up, what time is it anyway, I reach over to my phone sitting on the toilet. Oh my God! I've been in here for over an hour already; I better get out. I turn the water on and pull the stopper to drain the tub. As I begin to stand up, I pull the knob on top of the spout to turn on the shower. I wash my hair, or rather wet it entirely and comb through it with my fingers, like I do every time I’m in the shower. I grab the small amber bottle from the corner of the tub. As I bend over to comb through my hair some more, my eyes closed so as not to get water in my eyes, I feel something, or rather someone behind me.
I start to stand up straight, startled, when I feel his warm hands on my waist, pulling me towards him. That sneaky jerk! He pulls me closer as I ask him where he’s been, the sound of annoyance in my voice, but he doesn’t care I’m annoyed because he knows he can charm his way out of it. “I’ve been here the whole time.”, he whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around me. Before I can say anything else, he kisses me softly on my shoulder, working his way towards my neck, and eventually to my ear. All while explaining to me, “I didn’t want to wake you. I know how much you love your baths and you looked so beautiful lying there,” pausing in between words to get a kiss in here and there. By this time, I’m putty in his arms. I turn around to face him, “So you’ve been here this whole time? Watching me sleep in the tub?” “I always do. You should know that by now as many times as I’ve done that,” he smirks at me. Then he pulls me close and kisses me.
When our lips meet, I forget about everything. A feel a rush of what I can be best described as similar to an electrical current as it travels through electrical wiring and all the way through to a light fixture when you turn the switch on. I forget I was ever annoyed, not that I really cared, I actually think it’s cute he likes to watch me sleep. He kisses me with such passion and holds me so close; I fall victim to his embrace. I caress his face softly as I kiss him back. My hands move slowly around his head and towards the back of his neck. I grab onto my wrists as he picks me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist. We begin to make love, the cold, wet wall sending chills throughout my body as he presses me against it. He makes love to me so passionately; I feel like I’m reliving our first night here all over again.
Our first night here… that feels like it was so long ago. To think, we started out as business acquaintances; and here we are, five years later, saying goodbye to the place we’ve carried on a secret affair for just more than half of those years. I remember everything like it was just yesterday.