For this is a blog until I can form it into a book. I'm just frustrated in life. If you get the time to look it up. I was born with Essential Tremors. So no matter how I shout, I scream or say "Fuck!" out of frustrations, I will always sound like a My Little Pony farting rainbows out of her ass. A tremor in the voice, is truly the worst curse of all. Because if you have a voice and no one can hear you, how are you able to communicate with the rest of the universe? I lost the love of my life, he became a narcissist. Actually I have no idea if he is, he does fits the bill though. But who am I to judge, I suffer from anxiety; I was born with Essential Tremors and I grow hair like the dwarves in the Hobbit movies. So I'm figuring out life as I go. I'm Sicilian and living in a Sicilian family is a lot like being in the mafia you can never escape from. Whatever you do, they do also. If you move, they move with you. I should be on my own and I don't that could ever be humanly possible. If I seem frustrated you will know why once you read this. This is my own journey of Eat Pray and Love,  so enjoy. :)

Thanks to Tablo Publishing once again for making my dreams come true. Thanks to my friends and family.  Riddle for breaking my heart in pieces. You were always my inspiration and I guess I was yours for leaving me. I hope that one day you can find a home that you'll be able to stay at for more then a year. I hope your family isn't harsh on you and sure we can be friends, although I thought we could be friends and still love each other; being married. But I guess I was wrong. :(  I'm living each day as if it were my last days on Earth. For the first time in awhile i'm actually ok with that.

April 27, 2015

I was a teacher believe it or not. I didn't think it was possible for myself. I was always a goof when I did have friends in high school and when I didn't have friends; I was shy as a mouse. I didn't get my degree or anything. I got something called a Early Child Hood Certificate or a CDA. It took me a year to work hard for it. At points I dazed out and it was always very hard to concentrate because of my learning disability. But I did it, and I couldn't wait to have my own classroom. To me it was like winning the lotto. I achieved my goal. Until a year later when I finally did get my own classroom, and I had to go back to school to renew my CDA and my boss kept me at work. I had missed most of my classes, I had to pay for them online. I took out a second credit card. I owed $2,000 on credit, I never got my CDA and my assistant manager took over my classroom so she could mainly be their for her daughter; who had just moved into my classroom. This was four years ago, I had stopped working there because my boss made me work one day a week for one hour to plunge toilets. With my newly credit debt, I really didn't think it was reasonable to drive forty-five minutes to plunge a shitty toilet and drive back home.

 When I quit at that school, it was like all the will and dreams were drained from my body. I didn't know if I had a purpose anymore other then being in love with my husband, when we had dated four years ago. My parents are divorced. So after I lost my teaching job, my mother haunted my father that if my mom dies my Dad would have to take care of me. My Mom wasn't dying. But I'm 100% Sicilian  and all women say that they are going to die because they are insecure and they want to feel safe and secure. My Dad basically pledge allegiance to his bullshit. Told me because I am disabled I had a nice run and I should try for getting disability. About a half a year and more of his bullshit, he got a lawyer and I won't my disability case. The only thing I could really say is my insurance is awesome. But everyone banks on my checks I get every month. They say they don't but it took my Dad at least six months fix up house for his girlfriend and even ordered a new palm tree sent from Florida and I still didn't have a kitchen for my apt in his basement. The week before I was moving in he got me a kitchen it was $150 to build it, but his palm tree from Florida was much, much more. I couldn't move in my apt because my husband asked me to marry him and my Dad told me I had to move out. Because my Dad wanted me to bank on disability check forever. When my Mom became my payee for disability. She did pay my bills, but she took extra vacations with her boyfriend and even asked if she can use my disability money to gamble at Atlantic City.

As I sit here and type. No one will remember a fucking thing they did or had said to me. It's like I am awake and everyone is still fucking sleeping. I know I am not crazy. This all happened. But Empty Nest baby, and no one gives a fuck about what I say or do. This is why I keep quiet. I have nothing to say. Because while I should be out riding around in my car with my husband on a beautiful day like this. He takes my car to his errands, and I'm stuck having IBS. I feel as if the will and dreams have died again. I feel as if I'm a money vessel for everyone else and when I have a dream or a goal again. There is at least one person to tell me that I should grow up and it won't happen; and five bucks says.. It's that one person that is taking something of value of me.  I don't know what to do about that except say; "WTF."

Sincerely,

Me, Myself and I

April 27, 2015  (6:43pm)

When I was a kid, as most kids do. I daydreamed quite a lot. I really wished that I could be a superhero and morph into my favorite colors so I can defeat evil, bullies, or any gross color I hated. Now as an adult, I still daydream a lot. I still wish I could be the superhero from my dreams. Instead I'm the 4th main character in quite possible the greatest story ever told. (Theatrical story telling there, you like that?) I have the patience of saint after enduring a Breast Cancer scare. I born with tremors in my life. It's called Essential Tremors, it's as if you get a big tremor in every part of your body. You can get it late in life or you can be born with it. (and it's not mascara ether.) I have tremors everywhere on my body, even in my throat. I'm an easy target with everyone I meet. I know what they are doing, I am not dumb. But I still getting taken advantage of at least 90% of the time. If I relate to children or I have family that have children, you know because I worked with children before. My family classifies me as having Autism and people move their kids away from me. Everything is about an IPAD, an IPHONE and I'm pretty sure if it doesn't have an I in it. It's not popular and is not apart of today's culture. I watch SpongeBob out of complete boredom most days and I just mainly like the beginning, because I haven't had a vacation since 2010. (It's like my cheap version of a mini vacation.) I haven't had a vacation since 2010, because I have a Beabull (which is a mixed breed between Beagle and English Bulldog); and he will not eat drink piss sneeze burp or fart or even a squeeze of shit out of his ass. Until I am home. So he would be devastated if I had left for a week. My mother is the most invading woman on earth. When  I published my first book. She read it. Cried for three hours. My mother thought my fictional book was all real. Then told me never to write about her personal stuff again, even though it was a fictional book. Two years ago she took myself off her Facebook page, because she would reply to every stupid Facebook status. Open my bedroom door and say something such as "I feel bad for you, because no one wants to reply to your stupid Facebook statuses. So when she wasn't on my Facebook anymore she still spied on my Facebook page. I wanted to get rid of my Facebook page and my mother had said "Do it and you can get rid of your family as well. " It's not like I just replaced my husband with an ISIS terrorist. It was fucking Facebook, it shouldn't be a big fucking deal. But it is. It's really sad how technology has taken over what should be the simple moments in our lives. I feel really bad because I just almost drop kicked my laptop, because my Beabull was begging my mother for food. He doesn't eat all day, but when my mother is home. He interrupts her IPAD and reality TV shows, then she will come into my room and complain; "Why didn't I feed him all day, the poor baby is starving." Then she will see what I write and complain if it's about her.

I never use to get angry. Now I think I should join an Anger Management class. I try my best to be sweet and kind. But you have no voice to be heard. How can anyone know, you really feel? I think that pisses me off the most, talking and no one is ever listening or they can not hear me because I have a tremor in my voice. A tremor in your voice is just as if you were twelve years of age, 24/7, all day and all night. So if I act a little bit of a Narcissist, and think I act nuts. If someone would just listen to what I have to say instead of confining me into a bedroom, that acts as if it were a prison. Then maybe I wouldn't use: "You goddamn dickhead, fucking piece of shit, dick knocker asshat." in a fucking sentence. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cuddle with my Beabull  and give him endless dog treats, to make up being a frustrated bitch.

Sincerely,

Yours Truly