The most comfortable places in the world for me are airports. Not physically comfortable of course, as sleeping on three arm less bench chairs at once while using a book bag as a pillow is never the ideal way to relax. Unlike the majority of people that I talk to about on the subject, they are calming environments for me. Especially the largest and most busy ones. 

    Airports have a structure. They are based on travelers needing to get from one point to another in the most efficient way. Therefore there are rules to follow, and arrows to point out your path. If it is one of the larger airports it is hard to go astray, as there are always the reassuring signs showing you exactly where you must go, and the screens that tell you how long until your flight leaves. There is a certain trust that exudes from these guides. A feeling that if you put your faith wholeheartedly into following their rules, you will find your way while passing any amenity you could need.

    I wish all of my life was as structured as an airport. I believe I would greatly benefit from a sign pointing me in the right direction. I feel that I live in a place that celebrates going against law and order. I am constantly ridiculed for my adherence to the rules. When I see posted directions, for example one that screams 'Do Not Enter', I feel I have made a contract with the sign by reading and understanding the words, and I agree to not enter. When I cross a street, if there is a pedestrian crossing, that is where I cross. I have had friends that have been terribly angry at my insistence to this, even on busy and dangerous streets. 

    The frustration that apparent 'normal' people have with my insistence with the letter of the law is only a fraction of what it feels for me to be disobedient. For the smallest transgressions I feel uncomfortable, and straight up trespassing can make me hyperventilate. I have moments of absolute terror imagining being caught and the impending consequences of my illicit actions. Even when 'everyone else does it', as I am so often reminded.  

    Though I can defend myself to others when it comes to following rules, I feel disappointed that I also feel a strong pull to conform to social rules as well. One would not believe that at first looking at me, as I identify as a 'metal-head.' Most would assume that I fall outside of the social norm, with my dyed black hair, leather jackets, and multiple piercings and tattoos. But really the sub groups of society can be the most conformist. 

    Punks claim to be individuals, but as a child I was turned away from their groups because I wore the wrong things that did not fit in with their style completely. Later on I was also rejected by a group of metal-heads because although I enjoyed the sub-genres of metal that they did, I also liked more mainstream metal as well, which was not allowed. It took me a long time to settle into a self image that I was comfortable with, and that coincided with the ideals of my friend group. The confines of the 'style' comfort me. I wear mostly black because I always must match. All of my clothes go together well, which helps me take the steps out my door in the morning. 

    I see relationships in the same way as well. I have always tried to date guys and girls who fit in with the lifestyle I am trying to portray. At the moment I am seeing a guy who looks amazing on paper. He is going to school, tall, gorgeous, has a nice family, and also belongs to the metal scene. But there is something lacking. I am not sure what, since it should be perfect. The passion just is not there. I am trying to convince myself it is okay, not every relationship is a crazy love story, but I am not sure I can live such a rational existence in every facet of my life. 

    When I try to figure out problems like this, I like to go away to think. And I mean far away. For an extended period of time. My place of choice is Germany. It is on the other side of the ocean and in the middle of Europe, so no one ever faults me for going away. It is an experience that should be had, and cannot be argued with. 

    I have visited Germany as an exchange student, and later a few times visiting a then-fiancee.  Since that did not work out I have not gone back and I believe I am due for a trip. Therefore I am visiting on an intercession program with the university. I can go for six weeks, live with a family, have school in the mornings and maybe do some travelling. The best part is because of my frequent Germany visits in the past, and years of study, I can speak the language quite well, making the course easy and giving me more time to perhaps go on an adventure or two. Also I have done this particular program before a few years ago. I know the teachers, and the family I will be staying with. I know the rules. I know the expectations. It will all be within my comfort zone, perfect for making big life decisions. 

    The first leg of my adventure begins today. I am sitting in the Toronto Airport waiting to meet another from the class I will be taking. She is from Saskatoon I believe. THough it is way too early to be making any progress in the decision making, the fact that I feel happy to be away from home could be a sign. Or maybe it is just a reflection of the calm I feel from hanging out in the airport, only time will tell.