A Lonely February Night

I wish to watch,

And cut my fingers

On cracked reflections.

And to watch,

The blood trail like ruby caulking

And fill the gaps.

Watch it flow like the reddest of rivers.

See it stain the empty darkness.

And breath in the fire.

And taste it's metallic core.

Because maybe then,

I can grasp reality again.

And maybe then,

I can no longer feel numb.

Or even sit long enough to watch the sunrise

Or even count each star in the sky twice

And then maybe I could imagine

the feeling of being normal once more.

Damaged Love

He watches the world

behind closed doors

With love at the back of his mind

He thinks of far off places

And prettier, happier times

He holds his heart inside his hand

He hides it from the world

He only let's it out to shine when no one is around

The heart is made of glass

And has been broken several times

But he's glued it back together

And taught it to be a mime.

He's locked inside the thought as though no one can make him happy

Or feel warm

Or feel butterflies

But he doesn't know how beautiful she sees the heart

Or how the cracks make it shine brighter

And sing sweeter, meaningful tales

Or how she'd do anything to have that boy feel whole again.

Or how she'd set his heart on the highest shelf for everyone to see.

They'd all look up and wonder who polished it so clean

And wish to have it on top their Christmas tree.

He's a star and he's going places.

He's got the sharpest cut.

He has the brightest heart.

And she longs to be his forever

To own the glass heart

And to show him how beautiful he is

And how lucky he will be.

But he misses something greater

It was ripped out of the book not too long ago.

And the pages still all bleed.

And his time is almost done here.

But he's a star

And he's going places

And she longs to be his forever.

Thunderstorm Thoughts

sleep on the sidewalk

Or a bed of grass

To feel the thunder crash

To see the lighting flash

To hear the rain ricochet off the ground

Watch it all unfold before you.

And feel it run down my face

And soak the clothes

And watch it cleanse the soul

And only hope

the thunder grows louder

And the lightning flash brighter

And the rain fall wetter.

And to watch the grey clouds drift

And become closer to it's neighbor

Then watch it's neighbor drift away.

But isn't that what happens in life?

We become closer to our neighbor

Then watch him drift away.

Cut the rope and flee.

But maybe we are the ones

drifting way and cutting ropes.

Maybe we're all setting our bridges on fire

Maybe we are all isolating ourselves

Maybe we are the ones smacking faces with the ground

But maybe were the ones with the deepest cuts and the oldest foes.

And the ugliest tales to tell

But maybe we're the ones who need to grow up

Maybe we're the ones who need to apologize.

Maybe we're the ones who hit the nail on the head

And cleaned the wound when it bled.

You know what they say about foolish kids like you and me.

We're the easiest to cut,

The easiest to bleed.

Explanation of Feelings

Now you know

But you always did

I'm really bad

At keeping things hid

And holding feelings in

And you don't want much more

Than what we have now

Because you'll be leaving soon

Or I'm not 'her'

Or pretty

Or perfect

Or 'your type'

But that's okay,

Because I know

What you'll find

After several snows

No one will ever

Love you like I do

Or wait for you

Like I am

Or wish for this forever

Like I will

Or hide it so hard

Like I did

But years from now

Where will you be

Will you be home alone

Watching TV?

Will you be a millionaire

A classic superstar

Come back to your reunion

Show how you came so far

Have Barbie on your arm

And pictures of the little ones

In your wallet

Or will you be laying in bed crying

Like I did for so long

Wondering why nothing more happened

And being 'just friends' at prom

And will you look back on high school

Regret what we were

Good or bad

And maybe stop and think

"Damn. That girl was the greatest

Best friend I ever had."

And then you'll realize

That I always loved you

And no one will ever

be like me and you.

Reddest River

Tongue tied

When I speak of you

Unwind

When I think of you

All mine

When I dream of you

White wine

When I cry from you

High school's end

When you speak of me

Best friend

When you think of me

No sound

When you dream of me

Living to drown

when I realize all these

Thought When I am Alone

I like when it's dark

And I like when it rains

I like thinking of you

And feeling no pain

But that's been hard

The past couple days

And I can't get you

Out of my brain.

You don't love me

The same way I love you

I held my heart in my hands

Unsure of what to do

So I'll close my crystal eyes

And lay down my sleepy head

And slowly drift away

And leave my feelings unsaid

Unique Face

I just want to talk

Not for very long

To have you sit right here

And listen to my song

I won't sing of riches

Or far off places

Or pretty girls

With plastic faces.

I want you to hear

How much I love you

And I want you to know

How I'm stuck to you like glue

Or maybe I won't

Sing or even dance

I won't tell you

A story of romance

I'll just sleep here and cry

And wait to die

And slowly watch life crawl by

Becoming Strong

Keep it cold

Never let it warm

Let it be ice

Let it be frozen

Then you too can be numb

And emotionless

And iridescent

So then you won't feel pain too

You can close your eyes

And count to ten

You can look at the flowers

And always pretend but

Keep it cold

Never let it warm

Be strong

Be Elsa

Never let love grow.

Struggling Strength

Just when it seemed

I was getting my life back together,

I fell back down in my hole

So I'll stay where I am.

I'll never leave.

If I'm hungry,

I'll consume my fear

If I'm thirsty,

I'll drink my tears

If I'm lonely,

I call out for you dear.

And I've wasted the past 5 years

So why not waste a few more here

Hiding, shutting everyone out

Wondering why I've been so unlucky.

The Second Before Death

And for a second

Just a brief pause

It slipped my mind

That Nothing in life is certain

Except that everyone dies

And that we all end

And become nothing

And mean nothing

And that this life you know right now

Changes every second

Every breath

Every blink of an eye

That the future that lies ahead

Is uncertain

And that you never know

who's going to pop their head in

And who's going to walk away

And who's going to stay for the long run

But we all will have our low times

Alone at 3 am

Crying in the dark

And we find out that

Wondering minds can't sleep

Or even close their eyes to dream.

Because they're so far

ahead down the road

That they didn't even

Leave a trail of dust

Or even say goodbye.

Catch 22

Why do I even cry anymore

About the same goddamn thing

It's like a fucking game

We hurt each other unintentionally

Then cry and act like fools

Then laugh about it the next day

So why am I still sitting here

If I know it kills me

And I know it's wrong

And I say I'll quit.

But I can't

We accept what we think we deserve

And until I repair this shattered mirror

I'll be stuck and I'll bleed

And cry And hurt

And this whole thing

we having going

It's sick

We're the worst thing

Like a suicide

With rigamortis leaving nothing but a smile

What I see in the Mirror

So I'll let the smile fade

And let it dissolve into my skin

Because it's easier to cry

And keep it all hid

But only know it was never you

It always was me

And how I look in pictures

And the reflection I would see

Because the laugh is ugly

I would rather cry

And let the smile die

And never try to lie

Because this unhappy portrait

Was always here inside

One-Way Love

I hope she makes you happy

Please know that I don't care

Because I was just your best friend

And I was always there

when you were so happy

Or bleeding from a fall

Never again will I take a chance

Taking answers from an eight ball

I know you only loved me

In a friendly kind of way

And it's time to face the facts

And distance myself-okay?

I'll take a few steps back

And turn away so you won't see me cry

All I feel inside my heart

Is falling down to die

So here I am on a Sunday night

6 days before prom

Wondering why I held it in

And lied for so damn long

Strength Kills

It's been awhile since I've been heart broken

So I guess I'll take my turn

And watch the tears come pouring down

And let my heart crash and burn

Because 3 months from now

You won't even matter anymore

And I can lie and say it doesn't hurt

But it does

So I'll carry on

And I'll wait for the next one to do the same

Because my love life is a vicious cycle

If you would say I even have a love life

Because all I do is attach myself in one spot

Then cry when they've left

And I guess I'll just let it continue

Because I don't know how to change

Growing Apart

We use to be best friends

But I can't reach out to you anymore

I feel so distant

even if right now we're next to each other

Because you haven't said much lately

About how you are or where you've been

Or what kind of girls you're seeing

Maybe it's because I've been a bit crazy

Or maybe you don't care for me anymore.

I'll just keep quiet

And watch the rain pour.

Square One

So here I am

Back at square one

Wondering what to do with my life

And how to over come all the assholes in it

And I could just lie

And paint a grin

And suck in all my tears

But that wouldn't be real

It would be a plastic face

And that's not me

It's not who I am

So I'll just cry alone

And block the door

And please,

Please ignore this cry for help.

Love Versus Pain; Hold on or Let Go? 

I miss you so much

Every days just not the same

Some times I whisper to my self

Just to hear someone say your name

I say why

Do I

Feel like

That I

Am dying

When I'm clearly alive

I say hey

Every day

I will stay

Where I lay

And cry

You never said good bye

Love is not a suicide.

When you and I collide

We vacate the atmosphere

And fly with our chemical ties.

But what would you say

If I walked out that door right now

I miss you, not your habits

Or varicose lies

I wish that you could see them

They're doing so well

They've had to cope with your reasons

For walking out of their lives

She is so beautiful

And she knows exactly what to say

He is so much like you

A little bit more each day

Now I've

moved on

He sings

Me songs

And he loves me

More each day

And he loves them

Just like

You did

And he helps me

Watch them grow

Love is not a suicide.

When you and I collide

We vacate the atmosphere

And fly with our chemical ties.

But what would you say

If I walked out that door right now

I miss you, not your habits

Or varicose lies

June Deep Though

Under the stars I take a stroll

Along a beaten path

To recollect the memories

Of friends and lovers past.

I come across a river

So deep and dark as night.

I stop to see the water

And reflections of bugs with light.

I want to stop and rest

And breathe the bitterness in

Because my own reflection

Is as dark and ugly as sin

I love You

Hold my hand

-I love you

Don't let go

-your eyes are a kaleidoscope

Hold it tight

-that smile is a shot to the heart

Don't let me drown

-your hair is perfect

I need you

-you're beautiful

More than you need me

-so beautiful

I love you

-forever

Pure Luck

I'll hold you a little tighter tonight

Because I know how lucky I am

To have you

And love you

A little more

A little longer

Than the day before

And a little less

Than the day after

The Banshee of Castillo

With a soul as dark as hell

And her hair as black as night

She only would be found

I'm the midst of the pail moon light.

Sadistic as a demon

But graceful like a dove

She never had a feeling

Or the knowledge of true love

Sad like an orphan

Lonely like a widow

Raising hell like never before;

The banshee of Castillo

3 Weeks, 2 Days

There's not

A better reminder

Than Your hazel eyes

Or the freckles on your nose

For an explanation

Why I should come home

Your smile

Brighter than the sun

Your impeccable hair

always flawlessly done,

Help me count down the days

Until I fly home

Your voice

In song and conversation

Sweeter than the sweetest symphony

Favorite sound I've heard

Visit my dreams

And play while I'm gone

Your touch

Your Jupiter skin

The warmth of your body

And your presence

Are hollow apparitions

That I imagine while I'm gone

3 weeks

2 days

I'm counting down

Until the sunshine

Of your presence

Makes me feel home

Hymn of Desire

Hazel eyes

Tell me why

You and I

We collide

Rebel soul

Heart of gold

Say goodnight

hazel eyes

Nacre smile

You crowd aisles

With folk hostile

All the while

Dying to see

What you'll be

You superstar

Nacre smile

Improvise For K.L.

How do you do this

Day in and day out

It breaks my heart

To see you struggle

Like a fish out of water

Gasping for water

You're strong

Like titanium

Like a soldier fighting

With a wound from a bullet

You keep trudging on

Refusing to feel pain

Carrying the weight

Of the world on your shoulders

Saving that '10'

When the pain is unbearable

But you are a hero

You'd save us all

From feeling regret

And drowning in sorrow

You stopped the pain

For the rest of the world

And that I thank you,

Titanium love.

The Greatest Love

Never has the world

Seen a day

When the sun shined so bright

Than the day you first smiled

You are the poster child

For happiness, love,

friendship, and adventure

In my gray scale painted world

You are the one

who paints The canvas

With vivid shades of the rainbow

My hollow pit of darkness

Is colored with your sunshine

The little ball of sunshine

You take around each room

Each room you enter.

A walk in the garden

Where you hold my hand

And you look at me

You Jupiter man

When I'm alone

You surprise me

When I'm low

You hold me

With Hazel eyes

Where I lose my place

And drift off forever

Tripping in space

a messy nest for hair

A soft brown cushion

But perfectly placed

And smooth and straight

You're not a giant

But you're perfectly tall

Not too short

No, not at all

Your silky voice

Sings the greatest tunes

Smooth like velvet

Cool and calming

A filthy Escape

Another Friday night

With a cheap lonely flight

To a filthy escape

A watered down drink

Alone in the dark

Speeding up time

Scattering fears

Erasing emotions

Flushing out tears

All in disguise

With a tailored black tux

A tail and top hat

With powered white gloves

A crooked smile

With a gap in the teeth

And piercing eyes

Promising love and riches

What a lie

What a hoax

Another cheep fool

What a man

What a night

It's almost too cruel

Making the decision

The best thing to do

To drink it all up

In one final sip

Don't look back

Don't regret

Remember the good 'ol days

Graduation

It seems as though

Last summer was stuck

Between going nowhere

And finding something lost

And closing up ties

In a place I one called home

And wishing one way

But expecting another

And wondering where

Life would take me next

This summer was different

In more ways than one

It had ups and downs

And lessons learned

And places seen

And new experiences

And starts the end

Of what I've come to know and love

And closing the book

And saying goodbyes

And wishing good lucks

And never forgetting anything

And never regretting anything

But life doesn't stop there

Life doesn't end after graduation

It just begins

It's like when you learn how to drive

Spending all that time driving

with mom and dad

Learning where to go

How to get home

How to get to the store

Taking baby steps out to the freeway

And taking parents advice

Then it's the day you've been waiting for

One of the biggest days of your life.

When you get your drivers license

And get to drive alone

Explore alone

Be independent

You're not holding mommy's hand anymore

No, graduation isn't the end

It's reading the table of contents in a book

Its leaving the nest

It's where life begins

And you leave home

And make something of yourself

And you find a full time job

And you're paying bills

And before you know it, you're married

And you buy a house

And you're having to clean up after kids

Graduation isn't the end.

It's walking into the gates of the real world

So don't cry about leaving high school.

Don't cry about leaving friends

Be excited

Cherish what fun you use to have

Write it down in a note book

Take pictures

Put them in the book

Write letters to your future self

Be happy it's your turn to make a better world

Be excited to make something of yourself

Because after graduation, life begins.

Good luck class of 2015

Building Lines

it rains.

it rains everyday.

it rains every day in the summer.

it rains everyday in the summer at 3.

i cry.

i cry every day.

i cry every day in the summer.

i cry everyday in the summer at 3.

I've grown up a shit ton this summer.

I think i am ready to leave.

I haven't cried over you at all this summer.

so if i don't cry every day at 3,

does it rain every day at 3?

What a Waste

The wet rain washes away a little girl's art.

her beautiful sidewalk chalk.

she drew it in the drive way.

she drew mommy and daddy holding hands.

but this time, mommy and daddy wont be holding hands.

mommy will be covering her self with her hands from daddy.

trying to keep the little girl

and she cried harder

than the the rain that day.

what a waste.

Leaving Home

Leaving home

there's nothing like it.

you lose your friends

your job

your school

your everything

There's no looking back

because you may tear up

its really hard

at 17

watching your dad

cry through the window at an airport

13 times a year.

but I'm okay

i moved on

i started new

and look where i am today.

I'm a new person

I'm so different now.

today was a pretty day

but it was like closing a chapter of my life

I told my dad about how

depressed I've been the past 7 years

of my life and how

I've almost killed myself

3 times since February.

but I'm okay

i move on

God gave me this for a reason

and I've grown up.

The Prefect Lullaby

And I feel so lost

In this world

Alone and I can't breathe

Like the coldest tides

Hold me down

Like anchors in the sea

I try and try

To catch my breath

But the water's setting in

Oh I've let you down

What a petty sin.

Grievance and malice

Break the heart

They heal no open wounds

Grudges fill

A void within

The broken, fragile souls

Time always heals

A shattered mind

When the lighting is just right

Welcome to the anthem of my life

Burning holes

In everything

To burn you from my mind

Ripping up

The notes you wrote

And all you left behind

Gorging coffee

All night long

To sleep the day away

Remembering

everything you'd say

Grievance and malice

Break the heart

They heal no open wounds

Grudges fill

A void within

The broken, fragile souls

Time always heals

A shattered mind

When the lighting is just right

Welcome to the anthem of my life

Afternoons Alone

Chills run

through my body

And all the hairs

Stand up

Laying on

an unmade bed

Wishing for

Better luck

A prettier face

A better bod

A charismatic head

Then I'd never

be alone

And never

Leave things

unsaid

Overcoming My Junior Year Love

I remember before

Attack of the Stay-at-home Moms

I veer left