My name is Ryan Smart and I am a forty-two-year-old husband and father of three. I have a remodeling and construction business and barely making ends meet.  My 2010 Ford van is loaded with the family and headed to Shelby's final soccer game. She says she will be a cheerleader and dancer next year. Shelby is thirteen years old and going on twenty-one. She gets her looks and body from her mom and only at thirteen.

 Peggy is my wife, and she is thirty-six years old and going on twenty-one. She is always chewing gum, and it is so annoying. Peggy is now a beautiful brunette and wearing her tight jeans, a red V-neck sweater, and a red push-up bra, and 4” red stilettos. Looks like she is ready for parties, but we are going to a soccer game. I know she is really a blonde though. Peggy is holding our two-year-old Brenda, but we all call her Sissy. Sissy is a good girl as long as you are holding and paying attention to her. Hm! I guess Peggy and Shelby are too.

            My son Roger is twelve years old and looks just like Ralphie in Christmas Story with those black horn-rim glasses and blonde hair. Roger is wearing a red sleeveless t-shirt, black pedal pushers, and an old baseball cap turned sideways, and red tennis shoes. Roger has a secret.

            Then there is Granny, she is sixty-nine years old and going on twenty-one. Granny has lived with us since Dick died almost two years ago. Dick is what he was called but his real name is Richard Enos and Granny is Gertrude Enos. They are  Peggy's parents and my in-laws. Dick was not much of a provider, but he was a hell of a carpenter when he was not drunk. He helped me off and on, but mostly off. He died of liver cancer. Dick did not have any life insurance and Granny says that the only thing he left her was debt. She only draws $750 in Social Security a month and cannot afford a place of her own, but I do not think she wants to. Since Dick died Granny has slimmed up and has taken care of herself better, wearing nice clothes and I have to say she is a good-looking woman at her age. Granny, Peggy, and Shelby is sexy, and they know it so why not flaunt it Granny says? Granny says that one of the few things she liked about Dick was his last name, Enis as it reminded her of a penis. Granny says that one day she is going to own a red corvette, get a boob job (bringing them up where they belong), and vaginal rejuvenation. What a dreamer!

            On the way we stop at Ralph's grocery store and gas station to get some snacks and drinks, Peggy got out to go in and Granny hands Peggy a five-dollar bill and says please get me a Powerball ticket and two scratch-offs. Peggy says keep it you are wasting your money. Granny says if you do not, I will get them myself. Peggy says alright keep your money I will get them.  Peggy got back into the van with the snacks and handed Granny the lottery tickets and Granny put them in her purse. 

We get to the soccer field and we see Shelby in her goalie outfit and three boys stocking her. Peggy gets out of the van and struts over to Shelby and all the men around were gawking at her and she knew it. She was sexy, and she knew it and she wanted everyone to know it too, and they did.

            OK, I am proud to be married to such a beautiful woman and that other man envies me. She is mine and mine only, at least I think so. I get the cardboard table out and put the snacks and drinks on the table. Granny got out of the van wearing black stretch pants, a zebra blouse, and white tennis shoes. From a distance, she was as hot as Peggy, from maybe fifty yards. I notice Granny pouring something out of a flask into her coke. I am sure it is Bourbon as she loves Bourbon and coke. 

            The game started and everyone was yelling at Shelby to get off the phone as the other team was coming to score. They came down in scoring position and kicked the ball in for a score. Shelby was jumping up and down screaming why did not someone tell her they were going to kick the ball and score. Strawtown got beat two to nothing, Shelby was not upset, she was polishing her nails when the second goal was scored.

            We loaded up the van;  we were hungry, and everybody wanted to go to Pepe’s a Mexican restaurant, the only restaurant in town.  Granny was already a little wasted and in her flirting mood as she does with Jesse the mariachi singer and owner. We got to Pepe's and told them we had several coming so they pulled two tables together for us. I can tell the waiters were fighting over who was going to wait on us and they know Peggy, Granny, and Shelby puts on a show. I can see them staring at Peggy's cleavage and Granny is trying to get them to notice her. The waiter Jose brings us two baskets of chips and we order a pitcher of margarita. Shelby says that Big C is going to join us. Big C is the quarterback of the school football team and he also is a star guard on the basketball team. I am not sure why they call him Big C because he is only about five foot six inches tall and 130 pounds. They bring out margarita and took our orders. 

Pepe's is just a hole in the wall restaurant and all the staff is Spanish, which is strange since this is such a small town. Maybe they want to be under the radar since most may be illegal. As we were finishing our mead and on our third pitcher of margaritas, Peggy and Granny were getting very friendly and loud. Jessee the owner was walking with his guitar serenading the customers. He has always flirted with Granny and Shelby but you can tell he is staring at Peggy too. Peggy and Granny kept saying Jessee was built well for an old man. Granny and Shelby love the Quack, Quack song. No one is paying attention to sissy and she is having a great time in her high chair and has chips and dip all over her and the chair. Just as we were finishing Big C comes in and sorry he was late because his mom forgot to pick him up. I believe that Granny was letting Shelby was sipping from her glass because Shelby was getting very giggly. I asked Big C what he wanted to drink, and he said that he would have what she is having. I said no I will get you a coke. I said Big c how was football practice. Big C said it was ok. I said the couch must be proud of you guys because you only lost by twenty-one. Big C just laughed.

The staff at Pepe's are all Mexican and barely speak English. How did they get to Strawtown? Maybe it is a good town to hide since they all are not legal. On Saturday night Jesse walks around and serenades us with his Spanish singing and his guitar. Shelby and Cranny love the Chicken song, "Quack, Quack" Jesse is always flirting with Shelby and Granny, but Granny is the only one flirting back. Granny can be a handful 1 when she is drinking margaritas, Jesse is about seventy-five and single. He always flirts with granny every time we come in; I think that is why she likes it here so much. She says that she is looking for a younger man but Jesse will do for now. She says that she is looking for a wealthy man that can buy her the things she wants the boob job, the lips, and the corvette, Jesse cannot do that. The only that dear old gave her that she has kept is her last name of Enos which always reminds her of a penis. Sometimes when someone asks her what her name is, she says Gertrude Enos you know like a penis. Of course, all the guys and seniorities flirt with Peggy especially wearing that red pullover V-neck sweater with her push up bra.

Sissy is making a mess of her highchair and just laughing with everyone. She dropped a chip on the floor and said “dam” no one noticed her but me. Where did she hear that?

However, I believe that Granny has been letting Shelby sip from her glass as Shelby is very giggly. I do not want to go to jail for serving underage minors’ alcohol.

I paid the bill said our goodbyes and headed home. The dogs were still in the van and Skippy was the only one moving around, I think he had to go to the bathroom, thank goodness he did not go in the van. 

We got home to our 60’s Tri-level and I do have to give Peggy credit she keeps the house exceptionally clean and tidy.

At least from the first impressions of the living, kitchen, dining and great room in the lower level. The bedrooms are a mess. The laundry is a mess. Wait a minute I am the only one that cleans the house except for the bedrooms. I have a two-car garage and we keep Peggy's car which is a white 2010 BMW 218I convertible

In the garage as well as Granny's car a brown 1999 Pinto. I drive the van and it stays out at the end of the drive.

Granny says someday a young rich man is going to take her away and she will get rid of the Pinto and get the red Corvette she has always wanted. Yeah right!

I am taking Shelby and Big C to the school for the fall festival and when I get home, I am hoping that Granny can baby set for little Sissy, and Roger and me and Peggy can go out on a date. About the only place to go is the Sky Vue drive-in movie and they are playing the original Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis, everybody’s heartthrob pinup when she was young, and another version of Halloween. Sounds fun, maybe, a hot dog, some popcorn ad foreplay.   

I get home Granny is gone, Peggy said that she had a date with Jesse, they were going to play Bingo, sure Granny playing Bingo. Roger is in his room playing his video games. Roger looks and acts like, the little boy in the movie The Christmas Story, I even bought him a bebe gun, he shoots it a few times at Christmas and then has not used it again. He wears those black horn-rim glasses and looks like a nerd; well he is a nerd. Sissy is crying and walking around with her pacifier in her hand and when no one is paying attention to her she stops crying and puts it back into her mouth. She has only her diaper on and strutting around trying to get noticed as her mom does. Peggy is laying on the couch in her red and white flannel PJs with feet in them. She is drinking a glass of wine, chewing her gum, and watching Halloween which is playing at the drive-in movie. She looked so good today and I wanted her, wanted to be alone with her in the car at the drive-in. She said that the margaritas gave her a headache. The wine might help that.

Big C's mom is bringing Shelby home about eleven, Granny is gone, Roger is in his room, Sissy is running around the house in a diaper, Peggy is recovering on the couch so all I can do is join her. Maybe later I can get inside those flannel PJs.

Sunday morning, I get up and go get donuts for everyone. Grannies' car is not in the garage. Roger was up playing his video games, Shelby was still in bed sound asleep, Peggy was making coffee and Sissy was running around the house in her diaper and pacifier in her mouth as usual. At least she was not crying. Peggy looked good this morning, she was out of the flannel straight jacket PJ’s and in those tight-fitting jeans and a white men's shirt and no bra. Just as I am ready to slip my hands into her shirt to feel those beautiful mounds of flesh, Roger comes running in for donuts and asking did you get chocolate milk. Yes, I got chocolate milk. I sat down at the table and started digging in. Then Sissy started crying and I had to pick her up and took her to her highchair and gave her some donut and milk. She loved that. I hollered for Shelby to get up but not a word.

Granny comes barging in and says oh good donuts, did you get me my caramel roll with nuts. Yes, I got a couple. Where have you been, Peggy was about ready to call the cops I said. Peggy said no I was not. I would have waited for three days. That is what it is for a missing person report is it not, at least that is what they say on NYPD show, It was nice around here  one less person.     -

Well, I can see you did not get any lately, you are so stressed. Granny, don't talk like that around the kids. Dad, I am the only one in here and I am thirteen and I can tell when you do not get any either. What! just take your donuts and milk and go back to your room. Ok, I know when you are going to talk the adult talk.

Granny, don't talk like that, I am not stressed, and I can get it whenever I want is not that right honey.

Peggy speaks up and says sure honey you can have this pointing to herself, anytime you want if I am ready and want it too, and then laughed along with Granny. I just stuck my hands in the air and left the room.

Peggy says mom would you like to get dressed and drive to Oliver and go to the mall and do a little shopping and then have a bloody mary with lunch. Sounds great let’s go. We leave in thirty minutes Peggy says. The boys are going to watch the Colts game later and, they can get a pizza and watch the game. Shelby yells down and says I want to go I need some new clothes. Peggy says OK you have five minutes. Granny says maybe we do not want young ones around. Oh, Granny whatever you do or say I can keep a secret.

What about Sissy Ryan says? She will not be any trouble; she will probably take a nap while you are watching the game. Yeah Right!

Oliver is the closest and biggest city and about forty miles away. It has a small mall and all the fast food places. Even an Applebee’s there by the mall.                     

Peggy, Granny, and Shelby, got to the mall and shopped for about two hours and Shelby got her outfit, and she was happy. Peggy was wearing a short red skirt and a white blouse with red tennis shoes, cute like a cheerleader. As the trio was exiting the mall a young kid came running towards Granny and grabbed her purse and kept going. Just a Peggy saw what was happening she took off after him and this is where her track experience paid off, she caught up with him and tackled him down to the ground. She had him pinned down as she turned him over on his back and straddled him and had her knees on his shoulders. As he laid there, he did not put up much of a fight as a matter of fact he had this satisfying smile on his face. Maybe because Peggy’s blouse was torn off and her bra broke and oh my, she did not have panties on. Granny and Shelby reached up to them and Granny picked up her purse and pulled out a Smith and Wesson and pointed it at the man and said I bet you wish you had not messed with us. I am not sure though as he still had a grin on his face and did not want Peggy to get off him. The cops were pulling up and Peggy told Granny to put the gun up. Peggy let the boy loose and stood up over him and he still did not move just staring straight up with that grin on his face. Peggy moved away from him and the cops took over.

Granny said wow that was fun everybody ready for a drink she says, Peggy says yes but I need a shirt as her blouse and bray was torn off, and she is trying to hide her boobs. Shelby says her mom put this on and handed her a T-shirt with Justin Bieber on it. Peggy slipped the shirt on and a cop can over and asked if everyone is ok and we all said yes. He said we have all of this on camera and since it is in the mall property you won’t have to press charges, he will be charged with theft and assault, you have a good day ladies he said with a smile on his face.

The three walked over to Applebee’s and all the staff started applauding when they walked in and said what a show we saw everything and the first drinks are on the house, Shelby said great, but Peggy said just for adults Shelby. Peggy said I will have a Perfect Margarita, then Granny said I will have the same. Shelby said I will have a coke.                     

It is almost the start of the fourth quarter and the Colts and Patriots are tied 21 to 21. I called Ralphs and ordered a large pizza with the works, yes, they have hot pizza too, and it just got here. Just got Sissy down for a nap so Roger and I can finish watching the game. The Colts have the ball and starting to drive down the field when the phone rang, and it was Shelby. I answered hi Shelby what is up. Dad, we have a problem. Shelby, what is wrong I said, is everyone ok and she said well. What is wrong, where are you? We are at Applebee's she said. 

Dad, mom, and granny are drunk. Drunk I yelled, you guys were shopping. Yes, we got robbed. Robbed I said, well kinda, mom stopped him.  and we were hungry and mom and Granny said they needed a drink so we went to Applebees. After we ate, I went to the car and listened to my tunes and talked to Big C, and then I fell asleep. This man woke me up and I went in with him and mom and granny were in the office on their couch. I don’t know what happened. He said that if you do not come to get us soon, he would have to call the police. You must come to get us. Ok, Ok I will be there as soon as I can. I got Sissy up and put her in the car seat and got Roger in the van and we took off.

After I got on the road, I called Shelby back and told her I was on the way and said tell me what happened.

I really do not know they had a chocolate martini a piece. Then the waiter brought over two more and said it was from a couple of men from the bar, I did hear mom say oh we cannot take those, but granny said one more will not hurt. That is when I went to the car.

When the manager came and got me and took me to the room where mom and granny was, they were both almost out and could not walk or even talk very well. The manager said that the two men bought them two more shots of Tequila after the martinis.

Oh my God, you know what Tequila does to your mom. Did she have her clothes on? The manager had to stop them because mon was starting to dance, and her clothes were coming off. He told the men to leave and took mom and granny to the office. He said that he did not want to call the police. He said for you to come in and let them know who you are, and they would bring them out the back door so customers would not see any more. Ok, I  am about thirty minutes away, bye. I got to Applebee’s and told Roger to stay in the Van with Sissy. I went in and I told the hostess who I was, and she said we were expecting you, follow me, as was following her all the other employees and customers were laughing and having a good time. As she led me into the office there was Peggy and Granny out on a chair and a couch. Peggy what in the hell are you doing I said. Peggy says Hi honey what are you doing here. I am here to get your drunk asses. Why did you do this I am missing the Colts game? Do what honey we are going shopping with a slurred speech. Sure, you cannot walk or talk. Granny was just lying there with her eyes shut. 

I looked at the manager and asked him if there any damages. He said no problem. I just wanted to get them back here and not call the cops. The employees have all enjoyed the show as well as the customers. Thank you I said. will bring the van back here. Shelby, get them up and ready to go. I go the van to the back and Shelby had Peggy up and she was hanging to her shoulders. Peggy said are we going shopping. I said just get in the van. I tried to wake granny and she finally came to. I told her to get in in the van. She stood up and took two steps and fell to the floor. I picked her up and put her in the van and Shelby got Peggy in the van. I told the manager again that I am sorry, and he said no problem good luck I think you are going to need it. Thanks again for not calling the cops and goodbye. The ride back was quite everyone was asleep but me and Sissy. She was not crying she was just giggling and laughing, maybe making fun of Peggy and granny. We finally got them home and in bed. They were out as soon as they hit the bed. The Colts game just ended and they lost. Roger and finally got to eat our pizza and I needed a beer or two.