I’ve been spiralling for months now. I’m up then I’m down, I honestly don’t know if I’m coming or going. I shake constantly from being so anxious over my current situation. I’ve reached out for help but no one seems to know the answers. I was arrested three days ago for something I have no memory of, I’m being investigated for assault. As I checked my phone two days later I received a message of the horrible acts I had committed. I don’t know how things got this bad. I can’t specifically pin point the moment everything went wrong, but I do know it’s too late now.

For weeks I’ve been writing letters to my loved ones, telling them that this is my only option and now, now I’m at breaking point. I have no where left to turn, no one understand this feeling that overwhelmes me. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could take everything back but it’s just too late and my tournament, my toucher has gone on for far too long. I know I’ll been seen as selfish, a coward, but the truth is I have no choice. I hope you all understand this. So to all this is my story I hope it helps change yours.

 For as long as I can remember I’ve always been different. I’ve never been able to regulate my emotions. I’ve always been so up and walking on clouds or so down that I can’t survive this life which I was cursed with and that’s what it feels like, that this life is a curse and not a blessing. 

When I was a child I was wild, I threw humongous tantrums that took me forever to calm down from, usually I’d just cry myself to sleep. These tantrums happened for no reason really, something just wasn’t right inside me. I remember being a child before I was sexually abused and smearing poo across my mothers bathroom and smashing my head so hard against the wall that my head would be full of lumps and bumps, but I never understood why? I was only around four years old the abuse didn’t start until I was around seven but even then it didn’t effect me until I was much older and realised how wrong it was.

I would have nightmares almost every night it could take sometimes an hour after waking up to realise it was just a dream, I’m twenty six and it’s still the same now. It’s like I don’t know where reality starts and finishes.