Today 

 Could you imagine not knowing who you are for such an important time in your life. I remember feeling so lost, and hurt that nothing made me happy. Everyday felt the same it didn't matter where I was, or what I was doing. The days were long, the nights werelong, and dark. These first eighteen years should have been learning to love, learning that life is full of joy, learning right from wrong. Learning to be loved properly, loving yourself, friends, school, and so much more. Growing up should have been easy right? No! 

The memories are not what you would think. Sometimes I wouldn't believe what happened if it hadn't happened to me. Let's start with the only thing I can remember from when I was two years old. I can hear my mom, and dad yelling at each other, he saying suck horrible things. Things a child my age shouldn't hear until way later in life. My little brother, and I were sitting on our little couches watching the television. If I remember correctly the teletubies was playing, the sun had just risen, and they were singing. I heard my mother scream so I walked towards the kitchen just as I reach the baby gate I couldn't believe my eyes. I watched him throw our beloved dog into the door, she fell down lifeless, and blood left on the door. My poor beautiful baby was very hurt, and I felt my first moment ok sadness. Thats probably why I remember it so clearly, sometimes I still have nightmares about it. 

My mother told me this story of a time he locked me in my room, no lights on. She said he left me in my own  piss and shit for hours, as I cried it tore her apart. What was she to do though she was terrified of him, and I get that now. I've never been able to wrap my head around why or how people can abuse their innocent children. I'll never get an answer to why he did this to me, and I'm also fine with that. Another thing she told me was when she was pregnant with me she and my father were living at my grandparents. They took a shower together, and slipped in the shower, he grabbed her by the arm. She bruised badly, and could you believe my birth mark is his hand print. 

Let's fast forward a few years to where I remember a lot more. My mother starting seeing this guy we will call him P. At the beginning P was great not only to her, but to my brother, and I as well. We would watch movies, go to the park, and he'd take me to his friends. His friend had a daughter about my age she was great. I remember playing with horses all kinds, the black beauty was my favourite. We'd play for hours, and eventually P would come out of the room with the mother of the child. We'd go home, and I wouldn't see her again for a while. One time we went over, we were playing with her horses I could hear noises coming from the room. They were always in this room so I got a little curious, went to check it out. I peeked through the little old key whole, and they were having sex. I just wanted to go home, and tell my mom. When we got home I couldn't do it, to this day I've never told her. 

I guess every memory wasn't to bad we did have some really good time. My mom went to visit the neighbours, we lived in a big brown apartment building. Every one was friends with each other we were like a big happy family. My brother, and I decided we would make a nice huge pool in the middle of the living room carpet. There was so much water it was leaking down into the bottom unit. My mother came home, but she didn't get angry she just laughed it off, and cleaned it up. We would run up and down the halls until the old man would yell at us. We'd chase each other through out the building, and climb the fire escape up to the roof. My cousin lived in the building right across the street so we'd play together all the time as well. One day we were all playing in the empty lot across the street, the only thing there was an abandoned trailer. I was playing under it, and found a birds nest full of eggs. I did take one even though I know I shouldn't have. I took it to seven eleven with me in my hands. I was grabbing a slurpee I must have held on to the egg a little to hard, and it burst. The yolk was all over me, and the floors it was so  disgusting I stopped eating eggs for ten years.       

The end For now 

If someone would like to give me feedback I'd appreciate it. I want to become a writer.