2059, Cardinal City, World War III

“Have you taken your medicine today Mercy?”

I looked up at the patronizing face of the young intern staring down at me. Her fake smile glared at me from an abnormally pretty face. I stared at her in annoyance, my dark eyes burning into her.

“Yes,” I said simply before turning back to the sketchpad in my hands.

“Very good Mercy. Remember dinner is at 6 o’clock sharp,” she replied breezily and then sauntered off.

I hadn’t, of course, taken my medicine since it wasn’t medicine but actually sedatives. The caregivers at the orphanage thought that if they sedated me all the time my ‘episodes’ would be less. I suffered from Mental Irrationality, something not discovered until about 30 years ago.

I twirled the pencil in my hand and stared at the rather bleak scene I was drawing. It was supposed to be of the children playing in front of me and how they were so happy but their faces just looked sad and lonely. Then again they were orphans so they did look like that. I sighed and laid the pencil to rest. I wasn’t really in the mood to draw today, it was more to just look busy. The caregivers at the orphanage had long since abandoned the idea of watching me constantly and I agreed with this new course of action. I preferred to be alone and that stupid intern had ruined my mood. She was probably about 18, only three years older than me. I snorted in distaste at having to listen to her but there really wasn’t much more I could do about it.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the sky. It was a muddy brown, clogged full of harmful gases and pollution, broken buildings loomed around the orphanage, their jagged pinnacles piercing the brown fog. I was tired of living in this world but there was no way for me to escape except through death and I didn’t particularly favour the idea of suicide. I hadn’t reached twenty yet but I would in five years and then I would probably die. Most children didn’t live past the age of twenty unless you came from a privileged home that had a bomb shelter. Cardinal City could be considered a war zone and our army couldn’t seem to win this war.

The bell for dinner rang and I cringed at the sound. Being mentally unstable meant that anything could trigger an episode, especially a loud noise. I gathered up my drawing things and made my way inside the small building I called home. The smaller children rushed past me, all eager to get to the dining hall first. Their laughter echoed through the lonely halls and I smiled meekly. This place was a hell hole that I just happened to be stuck in.

“Mercy come sit with me,” a small voice pleaded and I felt a tug on my jeans.

Chad was there, staring up at me with baby blue eyes and a dirty face. For some reason when I’d arrived at the orphanage two weeks ago Chad had become attached to me. He followed me around everywhere and was basically my only friend, if I really wanted to say I had friends.

I didn’t respond to his question, just followed him to the table and sat down next to him. This was usual for us, I was unresponsive and he just smiled at me, it was an agreement that worked and I wasn’t complaining.

Tonight’s meal was soup, not that creamy kind your parents feed you when you’re sick but the kind that makes you feel like your drinking flavoured water. It was still a better meal than what I used to have, living on the streets is not kind. Most nights you go to bed and your stomach practically eats itself in hunger. That was where I’d been before I came here, the streets. I would have stayed there if it hadn’t been for a certain regulation that obligated members of the army to turn over any children they find on the streets to the nearest orphanage. We were the ‘hope for the future’ as they put it but I thought it was complete crap.

I ate my food in silence and Chad kept glancing at me, like we had some secret we needed to keep from the caregivers. I was obviously completely oblivious to this secret and thought the little boy was crazy but then again I shouldn’t use the word so loosely. He was just a child, I on the other hand was medically crazy. My Mental Irrationality was the reason behind me getting kicked out of foster homes and eventually put into orphanages. My foster parents usually didn’t know how to handle my violent outbursts and I still live with the guilt of the actions I committed when I wasn’t myself. I’d once attacked my little brother with a knife and he’d ended up in hospital. After that the idea of getting close to people scared me and I distanced myself from everyone and everything. I suppose in some twisted logic I thought that if I didn’t get close to someone, if I ended up killing them it wouldn’t be so bad. Pretty messed up I know but then again I’m irrational.

The bell rang again finally ending dinner time and I wanted to scream. The sound pierced my skull and my mind felt like it was tearing itself to shreds. I clutched my head in agony and backed away from the table, falling over my chair and smacking into the ground. My senses began to overload and I knew what was happening, I was having an episode. They usually weren’t this painful but on the rare occasion, like then.

My mind was then, almost, slammed out of my body, no longer in control. I watched through my own eyes as Chad came over to comfort me, and I wrapped my tanned fingers around his throat and squeezed. There was nothing I could do and I watched as his lips slowly turned blue and his eyes rolled back in his head. There was motion everywhere but my eyes were just fixed on his face and the knowledge that I was killing him. It seemed like a million fingers were needed to pry mine apart but they managed and I lay there on the ground writhing and screaming.

Out the corner of my eye I saw Chad’s limp body being carried to the infirmary and panic filled my chest. Had I killed him? The thought of that somehow brought me back to my senses enough to stop struggling but my caretakers weren’t taking any chances. There was a sharp prick in my arm and my whole body became sluggish.

“Sedative,” I whispered before I blacked out.

While asleep I was tormented by memories of my past. I hadn’t always been an orphan. There had been a time when I’d had parents and we’d lived in a pretty normal house. I’d been six, when the on-going war wasn’t so bad. That day my parents had dropped me off at a friend’s house for a play date, it had been so much fun. There had been baking, tag and dress up games, the best day of my life, until I got home.
What was left of my house couldn’t even have been considered rubble, the bomb had completely flattened it. Smoke had filled my lungs as I ran to the smouldering pile and began to pull away the burning pieces, still too young to realise that my mommy and daddy weren’t coming back. The remains had burned my hands so badly that I couldn’t feel them anymore but still I tried, tears making clean tracks down my sooty face. Members of the army had to forcibly remove me from the sweltering pile. That was when I’d seen the charred leg, most of the flesh completely gone exposing the bone. I’d never cried so hard in my life and when the tears dried up I’d resorted to screaming until my throat was hoarse. On that day I swear I cried away every tear I had in my body. Not a single one has fallen since.

I awoke with a start, sweat covering my body. I could still feel the heat from the fire singing my face and drying my tears. My hands felt on fire and I raised them to my eyes, half expecting to see the raw burns but all that was there were the silvery scars from that day. I let out a breath of relief and sank deeper into the covers. It had just been a dream, if only it had been a fictional dream instead of a memory. Then I remembered Chad and I stiffened, in fear and worry. Was he still alive? I flung the blankets off me and crept slowly down the dormitory hall way. Everyone was asleep thankfully so no one would stop me on my way.

I made my way towards the infirmary and peeked inside to make sure it was deserted. It was and I suspected the nurse was drinking in her backroom again. I padded in between the beds, looking for his signature mop of blond hair. Finally I found it and let out a breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding. I went quietly to his side and lightly touched his head. He stirred and his eyes opened sleepily. When they focused on me they went wide and I cringed, of course he would be afraid of me.

“Mercy, you need to leave,” he whispered, his voice scratchy.

I nodded and began to walk away when his tiny hand grabbed my arm.

“No you have to leave the orphanage. They’re going to hand you over to the government. You’re in trouble Mercy so go,” Chad choked out, silver tears running down his pink cheeks.

My body went cold at the thought. Everyone knew that if you were handed over to the government then there was about a 90% chance of them killing you. It was basically the way for the government to classify you as killable. My mind snapped back to the present and I placed a quick kiss on Chad’s forehead then crept out of the infirmary. My escape plan was foiled though when on my way towards the door I ran straight into the patronizing intern from before.

“Mercy, you’re up late,” she exclaimed with false surprise.

“Cut the crap, I know you’re only here because this is the only paying job your stupid ass could get,” I snarled.

Her false smile disappeared, and was replaced by a contempt sneer.

“Bitch, you’ll pay for that,” she said and grabbed my arm.

I needed to leave and no way was this blonde bimbo going to get in my way. I slammed my fist into her face and she cried out in pain, letting go of my arm. That probably woke up every caregiver in the orphanage up. I sprinted past the intern and slammed through the doors into the frigid night.

I clambered over a box and nearly gagged on the foul stench coming from within. I did not want to know what had died in there – probably a rat or household pet. There was death everywhere in the city and it just added to the layers of despair that hung in the air.
My breathing was steady and my muscles pushed on powerfully, I quietly thanked the multiple times I’d had to outrun the army. I could already hear the footsteps of pursuit from the caregivers and pushed myself even farther amongst the buildings in the hopes that they would either give up or lose sight of me.

I ducked through the nearest house I could find and pushed my way through all the broken and burnt furniture. I had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from throwing up, the smell of burnt flesh permeated the air and brought back painful memories.
I crashed through the back door and into the garden, or what was left of it. There was a gap between the fence posts and there was usually a small pathway between the fences, separating the gardens so that the occupants could choose their own fencing type. Stupid if you ask me but right then it was my life saver.

I squeezed through the small gap and sprinted down the little path, the blackened fences looming around me like soldiers of the night.

“Where did she go?” I heard someone shout and they were answered with an “In between the fences!”

Shit. I picked up my pace and weaved as quickly as I could through the rubble and ash. I could hear the caregivers behind me and risked a look back. There hot on my heels was the blonde intern, blood splattered across her face. She was a rather scary sight and I pushed myself even more in order to outrun the stupid girl.

My pathway was running out, the fences closing up ahead. Great, yet another problem to contend with. I spotted another gap in the fencing and dived through it and landed on the ground, scraping my hands in the rough gravel. I’d managed to put enough distance between myself and the caregivers to give myself about 30 seconds. I scrambled to my feet and ran into the house, quickly pushing things aside and opening the front door. I then doubled back and quickly shut myself in a cupboard and trying to even out my breathing. Footfalls slammed past me and didn’t slow at all.

“She must have gone across the street,” I heard one of them say and slowly their footfalls disappeared.

I let out a breath of relief and slowly climbed out the cupboard. My breathing was still laboured and formed clouds of white in front of me. I staggered over to a chair and sat down heavily then stared at the ceiling. I struggled to suck in enough air, the edges of my vision darkening slightly. I had overdone it, my first piece of exercise in two weeks and I had pushed my body to the max.

I gave myself the once over. My faded jeans were already covered in soot and dirt and my red hair cascaded down over my shoulders in a tangled, dirty mass. I lifted my blackened hands and  they were tinged with red, I’d scraped them pretty badly . I wiped them over my jeans, not that it would do much good. I wanted so badly for the nightmare that was my life to be over but my sensible side always over ruled that and pushed me to live on. I had to live through this life and I was going to live it my way. I breathed in a deep breath and for me it symbolised my decision to stay alive as long as possible.

I got up slowly and then began retracing my steps, searching all the houses for any bottles of alcohol in order to wash out the dirt in my cuts. Most houses were completely empty and they all carried the same stench. Eventually the smell became too much and I threw up, my stomach roiling, and my throat still burned.
There was finally a house that had a bottle of Vodka lying around. I unscrewed the lid and first took a swig of the bottle to get rid of the horrible taste in my mouth. The drink was strong and left a warm feeling in my stomach. I then proceeded to pour it on my hands, whimpering from the burning. The vodka turned pink from the blood and I let out a hysterical laugh. My room used to be pink but that was before my parents were blown up. I set the bottle down and laughter wracked my body. It was unnatural because I shouldn’t be laughing at something like that. I laughed so hard my stomach cramped up and I couldn’t stand anymore.

“This is it Mercy, you have finally lost it. Wouldn’t your parents be proud of how their little girl turned out,” I said to the emptiness of the house.

Once the laughter died I was overtaken by sobs. There were no tears but this was as close I got to crying. I missed my parents every day and every day I wished I could change the past. Once I had finished sobbing I just sat there and stared at the hole in the ceiling. It was a two story house so I could see into the room above. A black teddy bear peeked out over the edge and stared at me with its shiny black eyes.

But I didn’t have time to sit around anymore. I made my way back to my pathway and continued on through the houses until the sky began to lighten and the frigid cold of the night turned into the blistering heat of day. The houses had just begun getting worse as I walked on and I realised that I was walking towards a bombed area so I backtracked to a relatively intact house. They had a whole couch and I lay down on the singed material, the smell slightly nauseating. The heat rolled over me and I eventually took my top off and lay in my bra.

I stayed like that, staring at the ceiling whilst sweat rolled down my back. That’s when the realisation hit, I was free. I wasn’t in an orphanage anymore which meant my life was my own again. A wave of peace washed through me as well as exhaustion. I’d been awake for most of the night and running, I was wiped. My eyes slowly began to close and I drifted asleep.

It was a dreamless sleep, filled with tossing and turning. It was too hot to sleep and yet I was so tired so it was filled with moments of bleary awareness and total oblivion.

2059

I awoke to the sound of shouting men and the solid crunch of boots on concrete. I groggily pushed myself up, my brain not yet comprehending the imminent threat. My palms burned and my muscles ached from the day before. It took me a while to grasp that I wasn’t in the orphanage anymore but was shocked out of my stupor instantly by the sight of a uniformed man walking through the front door of the house. The man was taller than me by about a head and had a wiry yet muscled frame. His dark hair was cut short on the sides in the standard military style and this just accentuated how handsome his face was, but those piercing blue eyes were harsh and cold. They bore into me as I sat there prone on the couch, frozen in terror. His uniform was completely black and held no badges or symbols that I could help me identify which section of the army he was a part of. We just stared at each other for about a second when one word left my lips.

“Shit.”

I sprung up off the couch and bolted through the back door. His heavy footfalls followed close behind and I scrambled through the opening in the fences. I sprinted down the little pathway, my muscles already protesting. There was no way I could outrun this man. He was stronger than me and taller plus probably a whole lot fitter. My brain shifted frantically through possible escape options but I had to face it, my situation was bleak. His footsteps sounded so loud in my ears and fear filled my body. I didn’t want to go back to the orphanage, I wasn’t going back to that hell hole.

A hand clamped around my shoulder and I lost my balance, tumbling to the ground. I hit the concrete hard and all the wind was knocked out of me. I lay there gasping for air as he bent over me with his cold eyes. There was no emotion in this man’s eyes, just a cold emptiness. Bangs shook the earth around us and the man was momentarily distracted. Taking advantage of his slip I slammed my fist into his jaw with what little strength I had. He stumbled back in shock and touched his jaw disbelievingly. I scrambled to my feet and ducked into the house on my left. I ran straight through to the street, not caring what was on the other side and was greeted by an all-out war.

A missile shot past me, missing my head by maybe a meter. The force of the projectile made me stumble sideways and my ears began to ring. The world began to spin and there was carnage everywhere coupled with frantic activity. Men waved to me to get out the way but I was too disoriented to understand. I stumbled back a few steps right into the man who had been chasing me. Instinct took over and rationality was thrown to the wind. I ran straight into the line of fire. Bullets whizzed past me, some even managing to graze my limbs but they never hit, missiles exploded in the ground so close that I could feel the heat of the explosion. My whole world started spinning and stumbled backwards and forwards, unsure of where up or down was. This was the end for me. I was going to be nothing more than a splat on the pavement after this.

Strong arms surrounded my body and pulled me out of the line of fire. My body was shaking so badly that my saviour shook as well. Fear gripped my insides and I let out choked whimpers, scrunching my eyes up in an effort to escape my reality.

“Stupid child,” I heard the man mumble.

It didn’t matter what he thought of me, all that mattered was I was going to be alright, he was going to save me. Then my brain began to get all fuzzy and I knew what was happening, I was going to have an episode.

“Not now, please not now!” I whispered and repeated my calming techniques.

But like before they had no effect and I slowly slipped into a world where nothing made sense.
I whipped my head back and slammed it into the man’s nose. The bone crunched under the impact, I then broke out of his grip and began screaming like hells fires had come to claim me. I staggered back towards the enemy line and felt bullets pass through my arms and legs, one went through my torso. I collapsed to the ground, my screaming even more frantic, and my body red with my own blood. Then the missile hit the ground not a few feet in front of me and the whole world went dark.

My body was wracked with painful coughing and I woke up. The world was completely dark and there was so much dust that I felt like I was breathing in dirt. Mixed with the dust was the coppery smell of blood. Every nerve in my body was screaming in pain and I wanted to scream with them but could muster no sound. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move and it even hurt to think. Another round of coughing hit my body except this time blood came with it. I couldn’t feel my arms anymore and it felt like someone had stuffed cotton balls into my ears. I knew this was the end and for real this time. No one survived something like this, not without a miracle. I took in another shuddering breath and felt something hot run down my cheek. I was crying. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity that when faced with my own death I was able to cry but when faced with other’s I was empty. I expected right then to be filled with fear and the need to fight for my life but all I felt was numb. I coughed up another wad of blood and grimaced, I must have looked like a mess and I was so tired. I wanted the pain to end, I wanted to leave this world, screw the resolution I’d made earlier.

I said a silent goodbye to the world and then just lay there, my mind blank and calm. A white light shone on my face and I wondered if this was the stairway to heaven. It grew bigger and I was certain that this was when I was going to see my parents. Arms encircled my body and I began to grow warm inside and a fuzzy feeling overtook my body but not the bad kind that comes with an episode but the good kind. Were these the arms of God? I wasn’t much of a believer since it’s hard to have hope in the world but maybe this was him, welcoming me to his realm.

The white light began to fade and I wanted to cry out but no sound came. The arms disappeared as well and I was left alone in the darkness of my mind. I sat there for what seemed like hours but there was no way to tell time. Was this death? An empty space of nothingness filled with no one and loneliness. I tried to call to someone, see if anyone would hear me and for a split second I thought I heard voices in the distance but they went away just as quickly as they came. I was becoming even crazier in death than I was in life.

More time passed in the dark space and I felt so alone but I was finally greeted by the sight of another light. I got up and walked towards it, expecting the warmth of the Otherside. I was immediately slammed back into my body and pain assaulted my senses. Everything throbbed and I mean everything. My eyes stung and my chest felt like it was being crushed. The good part was that I couldn’t feel my arms but my shoulders ached. I opened my bleary eyes and stared at an unfocused ceiling with a bright white light on it. This wasn’t the Otherside and I so wasn’t dead. A loud beeping resounded in my ears and I ground my teeth at how loud it was. It began to beep faster and my body began to hurt even more, if that was possible. Hands grasped my body and something cold went into my hand and the pain subsided but then again so did the light. I was in darkness again – alone. At least there was no pain here.

It was the same routine after that. The light would come, I’d wake up to pain and then the darkness would claim me. Every time I woke up though the pain was less and I was able to make out faces. There was a nurse who looked after me with greying hair and a warm smile but her eyes were tired and sad. Then my doctor, he was younger with cold eyes and a tight mouth, as if he had seen so much suffering it hurt to smile. Those were the only two people that made an impact for I saw them the most. As the pain slowly lessened I was continuously worried about the lack of feeling in my arms. I couldn’t even move them. This was the cause of a few panic attacks and sooner sedations.

I was so tired of living in the darkness and then returning to the real world for only a moment while they ran tests or gave me medicine. I wanted out, I wanted to live again. The time finally came one day when I woke up and they just left me. I stayed there for a while just staring as everything came into focus. I was in a white tiled room with concrete walls. They grey was a cold, uninviting colour and I shivered. The sheets were pulled up to my chin so I couldn’t see what my body looked like and to be honest the thought made me sick. I had gone over and over my supposed death and no matter how many times I confronted it, it still gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach. I heard footsteps and they seemed to pound right into my skull. A whole loud of other sounds assaulted my senses, the sound of the liquid dripping in the drip, men’s footsteps and shouts outside and a hush conversation down the corridor about food rations. I felt like putting my hands over my ears but my arms wouldn’t respond.
The nurse walked in right then and smiled her warm smile at me.

“Welcome to the land of the living Mercy,” she said brightly.

I just sat there, my mouth too dry to reply. She understood this immediately and gently put a glass of water to my lips. I drank it greedily and secretly wished the pounding in my head would go away. Everything was so loud.

“It’s good that you’re able to drink on your own. I need to ask you some questions unfortunately. I’m sorry to have to do this so soon,” she said with a solemn tone.

I grew slightly anxious at her words and heard her heart start to beat faster. That wasn’t supposed to be possible but I was able to do it. I drank this glass more slowly, dreading the conversation to come. The glass finished too quickly and I tried to swallow the lump that had appeared in my throat.

“Mercy Goldsaw, do you remember what happened to you before you woke up here?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice. One small part of my brain questioned how she knew my name but I ignored it, terrified of what she was going to tell me.

“One of our commanding officers was able to dig you out from the rubble but by then you were so close to death, we weren’t sure if we could save you. He insisted that we try though. It’s still a mystery to us as to why he insisted but we’re glad he did.”

She paused letting what she had just said sink in. Had it been the officer with the blue eyes? Had he brought me back here? I wanted to ask her but the nurse was already starting to continue.

“Here at Temple Genetics we focus on human augmentation and prosthetics. It’s because of our research that we were able to save you. Everything went perfectly and your recovery is right on schedule. You must not be afraid of what the future holds Mercy Goldsaw,” she gave me another reassuring smile.

Footsteps banged down the corridor and I turned my head and stared at the door. A minute later the angry doctor walked in. His blond hair was in a buzz cut and he had dark circles around his eyes.

“I trust you’ve told her the basics of everything Meredith?” He asked with his voice tired and cold.

Meredith nodded and moved away from my side only to be replaced by the doctor.

“Hello Mercy, I am Doctor Maxwell, the head of this program.”

“Aren’t you a bit young?” I croaked then coughed slightly, my throat still feeling dry.

“Yes but my mentor taught me everything before he died and I am somewhat of a medical prodigy. Moving on, so Meredith has told you all about the program and what we did to you,” he said sternly.

It was a rhetorical question but I answered anyway.

“Yes but just the basics. I don’t actually know what you did,” I replied, my voice already sounding stronger.

“Right well basically when you came to us your right leg had been badly damaged with most of the muscles having died in it from lack of blood. You also had a fractured skull, damaged eyes and burst ear drums. We replaced all of these with mechanical counterparts that is why your hearing is far better and your eyesight as well,” he explained.

I realised I wasn’t breathing and felt like I was going to have a panic attack but I pushed the urge down, I needed to hear what had happened to me.

“You also suffered from a collapsed lung which we were able to repair so you don’t have metal lungs. Lastly, both your arms were crushed completely under the rubble. There was no hope and bringing them back so we had to amputate them—“

I felt sick inside. My stomach roiled from the mental image of them cutting off my arms. Did this mean I had no arms? Was that why I couldn’t feel them at all?

“—so that is why we had to create prosthetic ones for you. They are made of the strongest metal alloy on earth and equipped with sensors as well as automated weapons. This was a request from the army’s special division.”

I felt even sicker and frantically looked around for somewhere to throw up. Meredith produced and dust bin and I puked up everything I had in my stomach. She patted my back gently and made soft cooing sounds. Once my stomach was completely empty she helped my sit up again and gave me another glass of water. Doctor Maxwell just sat there, unmoving, waiting patiently for me to pull myself together. I didn’t think I would ever be able to recover from something like this.

“Mercy would you like us to continue?” Meredith asked softly.

I took in a shuddering breath and nodded my head slowly. I was going to make it through this. I could have a mental breakdown once they were gone, now was not the time to lose it.

“Alright,” she answered gently and slowly began to peel back the covers from my body.

I saw my arms first. They just lay there like they were dead, the cold black of the metal glinting in the light. They were modelled off the sinew and muscles in my arms; they had not bothered to create flesh. My arms looked like two cruel killing machines and the nausea rolled through my body but I took deep breaths to dispel it.

My eyes moved away from the horrible sight and I stared at my leg. It looked completely normal if not for the sections of metal replacing parts of my muscle. I looked like a creature out of some horror movie. I was hideous but I had to remind myself that I was alive and breathing and that was always better than being dead.
My eyes began to prickle and I knew tears would come. Amazing how it took a near death experience to cry and now I wanted to cry over everything.

“I’m now going to activate your arms so you’ll be able to move them. There is a sensitivity setting that allows you to choose how much you feel. We have made the default setting that of normal skin so it won’t be strange,” Dr Maxwell announced.

He waved a tiny card in front of my chest and there was a quick beep of confirmation then feeling flooded through my new arms. The sheets felt soft under my touch and everything felt normal yet not normal. There was a sort of disjointed feel, like my arms weren’t yet a part of me.

 Dr Maxwell got up and left then, without even a good bye. Meredith smiled at me and explained that if I needed anything I should press the red button and that she’d leave the water here. I nodded my thanks and once they were gone emptied more of my stomach into the tiny dustbin. I dry heaved for a while, my face wet with tears. They flowed like a waterfall, seeming to not end. I was disgusted by my new body and wished this had never happened to me. I would give anything to go back to the orphanage and just live out my boring life. Instead my stupid illness had caused me to leave and then caused me to get killed. I now had metal arms and ears that could hear things miles away and eyes that could zoom in on the world at will. I discovered this when I wanted to know what was going on in the corridor and had wished I had a closer view. They had just zoomed right in and I’d seen people walk past busily, all chatting like nothing was wrong but I could hear the sadness and pain in their cheerful voices. This little discovery caused me to dry heave some more and caused a mini panic attack where a new nurse had come in to give me a slight sedative and replace my dust bin with a clean one. She then helped me out the bed so that I could go to the bathroom. People stared at me as I was wheeled down the corridor, most with a sick fascination.

The bathroom was tiny with only a shower-bath, mirror and toilet. I asked if the nurse would leave me alone and she said she’d go get Meredith. Once she had left I just stared at my face in the mirror, barely recognising myself. My long red hair now barely reached my chin and hung in dirty rats tails around my face. A scar ran down from my eyebrow down to the corner of my mouth. It was well healed and they had obviously done some plastic surgery to remove any horrible damage. It was just a pale pink but to me it was a reminder of that day. I pushed the memory away and slowly peeled back the hospital gown from my shoulders then pulled the whole thing off entirely. I pushed myself up from the wheelchair and stared at my naked body in the mirror. The difference between the metal and my arms stood out like a sore thumb. The black metal just ended and my skin began. My leg was the same and my whole body felt weak. My old scars were still there but there were new ones. New tears began to pour down my face and I gritted my teeth in frustration. I was tired of crying, this was not the time to cry. But I couldn’t stop the stream; it just carried on until Meredith came in and helped me bath.

She washed my hair in silence, her hands kind and warm. She was like the mother I had lost and I took comfort in her methodical brushing as she attempted to get out all the knots. When she was done she helped me out and put a fluffy white towel around me, rubbing me down and being careful around my arms. I finally plucked up the courage to speak to her.

“How long have I been here?” I asked, conflicted about whether I wanted to hear the answer or not.

“A year. Quite short actually when looking back on your injuries,” – she smiled reassuringly – “We kept you mostly in coma since the body heals faster when it’s resting.

She ringed out the excess water in my hair then rubbed in with the towel.

“You’re hair has grown out nicely. It was a pity we had to cut it off since it was so beautiful long. It was unfortunately necessary though but I do regret it. On the bright side we were able to help with your Mental irrationality but on the not so bright side you will suffer from severe panic attacks, we just don’t know what will trigger them,” she said kindly, all the while focused on removing any water left on my body.

I touched my hair self-consciously and then touched my head softly. I wasn’t completely mentally insane anymore, I was moderately normal again.
Meredith helped me into another hospital gown while I thought about how I wouldn’t have any more episodes. She escorted me back to my room and slowly blow-dried my hair, letting the natural curls frame my face. I felt clean and a lot better than when they’d first told me what had happened. Amazing what a simple bath can do. A wave of exhaustion washed over me and my eyelids began to droop. Meredith tucked me into the covers and I fell asleep, too tired to even say goodnight.

2060

The next few weeks were pretty standard. Meredith continued to help me around while the last of my injuries healed then the rehabilitation started. I had to relearn how to walk again after my muscles being inactive for six months. The process was painful and just walking down the corridor was enough to make me exhausted. It was a slow progression from bed ridden to able to walk around properly. I was also moved out of the hospital room into a separate room on the recovery wing of the hospital. My new room wasn’t as cold and unwelcoming as the ward. There was a large window which was situated in wood panelling for walls and the carpet was a pale summer blue. The colour reminded me of his eyes, the soldier who had saved me. I still wanted to meet him and thank him for what he did although I was pretty sure he wasn’t the type to take a thank you well.

I paced around my room in anticipation for the visit I was told would come. Today was the first day I’d be allowed out of the hospital and into the rest of the facility. I hadn’t been told who would take me for this tour but I didn’t care. I was excited and also slightly nervous. My stomach felt like a nest of vipers all writhing around. I wiped my hands on my jeans and then realised I didn’t actually sweat. My face began to grow hot and I knew I was blushing. I was a stupid mistake from the days when I’d had real arms. The cool metal glinted in the yellow light of my lamp and I shivered. They still made me feel sick even after two months of getting used to them.

A knock came at the door just after my blushing faded and I said a silent thank you. I walked quickly and opened the door. My words froze in my mouth as I stared at a broad black chest and as my eyes travelled up I was met with a cold summer blue stare.

“It’s you,” I said softly.

Not my greatest moment when it came talking to people. My stomach twisted even more if that was even possible. The side of his mouth twitched and I couldn’t tell if it was in annoyance or if he wanted to smile.

“Captain Raphael Montgomery at your service ma’am,” he replied formally.

This made me feel even more stupid. I felt like punching myself in the gut but with me, when in doubt take the defensive. I had so many questions and before my brain could focus my mouth had already started moving.

“Why did you save me?” I blurted out without thinking.

So much for a heartfelt apology but it seemed I still had some unresolved questions in me. He just blinked at my question and my frustration intensified.

“Well Captain, aren’t you going to answer me. You basically screwed up what little bit of life I had left,” I practically spat the word captain.

“It’s better than being dead,” he said evenly then turned and began walking away.

I just stood there, open mouthed and watched his back. That had taken all the anger out of me and I felt hollow. He had a point and in truth I wasn’t really angry at him. I was angry at myself for being so stupid and for having a mental illness, at least that was gone now.

“Aren’t you coming Miss Goldsaw?” He said in a patronizing tone.

I quickly hurried after him not wanting to be made a further fool of. I wasn’t sure what to make of this man with his cold eyes and sharp features. He was definitely cold but I couldn’t find it in myself to dislike him. There was something about him and I couldn’t put my finger on it, something behind his eyes. I’d always heard people say that the eyes were a window to a person’s soul.

He took me out the hospital and down a series of corridors, all the while pointing to doors and naming the function of the rooms they hid. The corridors were a bleak grey concrete with windows dotted here and there showing the equally as bleak outside world. Bright fluorescent lights lined the hall ways, washing out any colour, not that there was any. Everyone wore black or grey and the lights just made them look pale. Even Captain Montgomery’s tanned skin was a shade lighter than I remember. I tugged on my hair nervously as he walked me through the entire facility but we never went outside. Lastly, he showed me the dining hall and we ate lunch together. The food was plain and simple but far better than hospital food. I was also the focus of the gossip amongst the soldier. I heard the whispers with my name in it and words like shame and disgusting. My chest began to hurt and I wanted to leave. I didn’t want these people’s pity and their judgements. A woman suddenly sank into the chair opposite Captain Montgomery and she reminded me of a cat, her gold eyes glinting like a predators.

“So this is the street rat that got our entire funding”– she practically purred –“pretty little thing.”

I bit back a sharp reply and clenched my fists under the table. The captain stiffened beside me and I could tell he didn’t like her comment either.

The woman brushed a stray strand of dark hair away from her face and smiled.

“Don’t worry though. I’m sure she’ll prove useful eventually. It’s a pity you got saddled with the duty of playing baby-sitter, the role is rather beneath you,” she said nonchalantly and turned her cat eyes on me, a sneer painted across her pretty face.

I pushed myself away from the table, to the astonishment of Captain Montgomery and pleasure of the woman, and then stormed out the room. I jogged down the passage and found a small janitors closet where I sat down and laid my head against my legs. The tears fell without my permission and I felt pathetic because of them. It wasn’t like me to allow other people to get to me. This whole new personality was nothing like the old me. I never used to cry and I never took an interest in people and I never found dark corners to wallow in my misery. This place had changed me and I wasn’t sure if the change was good or bad. The tears finally stopped and I lifted my head up and stared at the door in front of me. Suddenly the room began to swim and my throat constricted. My heart slammed into my ribs and sweat trickled down my back, leaving a cold line. I clutched my head and struggled to breathe, my mind flashing back to the missile exploding in front of me then being suffocated in that tiny space. I needed to get out; it was too small in here. I was going to die, I was going to suffocate and die. The dust would choke me and then the oxygen would run out and I would die. It was too small, too small.

I scrambled for the handle on the door and yanked at it. The door wouldn’t open and I stumbled back as black spots appeared around my vision from the lack of air. I couldn’t breathe and I was going to die, all alone under the rubble in the dark. Too small.
The door flew open and light flooded the room. I sprinted for the opening and crashed into a large figure. I didn’t care who it was, I just clamped my arms around their waste and took deep breaths, letting their solidity be my anchor. The body went stiff but I didn’t care, my body felt like it had been super charged and my heart still slammed against my ribs erratically.

“It’s too small. No space. No air. Death,” I whispered against the chest and I clutched tighter.

I slowly began to calm down and my breathing slowed, as did my heart. I took in one shaky breath before letting go of the person. I looked up right into the blank face of Captain Montgomery. My cheeks burned with embarrassment and I hastily put some distance between us. His face looked drawn and uncertain now that I got a better look at it. I guess he didn’t have distraught teenage girls hanging off him on a regular basis. Now that he had some emotion showing I realised he looked younger, probably only nineteen. Nineteen and in the army, that must suck. The when you looked at my situation I beat him hands down.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and stared at my feet.

The military style boots were far more interesting than staring at his face and letting him see how embarrassed I was.

“Let’s continue the tour tomorrow,” he said his voice strained and unsure.

I stiffened at the suggestion. The idea of going back to my room and sitting there alone set my teeth on edge. I was tired of being alone with nothing to do but stare out my window at a screwed up world.

“If you take me back there I swear I’ll become suicidal. Just carry on and again I’m sorry for freaking out and embarrassing you in front of your colleagues.”

I pushed past him and strode down the hall, wiping at my eyes in order to get rid of the evidence. My sensitive ears picked up on his almost inaudible sigh and I felt guilty for causing him so much trouble. He jogged up next to me and placed his hands firmly on my shoulders, steering me in the opposite direction.

“We carry on that way,” he said quickly but his hands lingered slightly longer than necessary.

He finally let go and my skin tingled where he had touched me. I had never felt like this before and it was both terrifying and intriguing at the same time.

We exited the corridor into a wide hall which I immediately knew was a gym. The smell of sweat and antiseptics was a dead giveaway. Men and woman mingled about in the harsh fluorescent lights, some weight lifting others just running around the built in track. It looked appealing in comparison to my hospital room. I strode away from Captain Montgomery and approached one of the weight lifting benches. The man using the bench was lifting about 25kg and sweat was pouring down his face. He put the bar back and stared at me curiously.

“So you’re the little girl Raph brought back from the Waste. Not exactly how I pictured you,” he said, his voice containing a slight southern lilt.

“And how did you picture me?” I asked curiously.

“Well for starters as a little girl, not a young woman. You’re also mighty pretty, which is another thing Raph forgot to mention.” The man winked at Captain Montgomery or ‘Raph’.

I turned to glance at Raph and his tanned skin had taken on a slight reddish tint but his face remained expressionless.

“Names Nathan Wells but everyone around here calls me Digger,” the man said holding out his hand.

I stared at the hand, unsure of whether to shake it or not. I tentatively reached out and took it, my arm buzzing softly from the motion. Digger’s smile broadened and he patted me on the shoulder.

“Just wait a sec while I get my stuff then I’ll join you guys,” Digger said enthusiastically.

Raph let out a soft sigh behind me and a smile tugged at my lips. I wanted to smile right then but smiling was too much happiness to muster.

“If you wish,” Raph said.

Digger smiled broadly then scampered off to the showers. I just stood there, staring after him. He acted like a little boy but he was probably older than Raph. I blinked suddenly, realising that I had started calling Captain Montgomery ‘Raph’. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t enjoy that, what with him being a cold, stuck up stranger. I let out a sigh and suddenly felt rather weary. I traced my fingers over the cool metal of the weight lifting bar, metal scraping against metal. I wondered if I would ever be able to lift it. I would never get stronger or feel my muscles working and turning to noodles after they grew tired. I would be static for the rest of my life. I snatched my fingers away from the bar and began to fiddle with a stand of my hair. The sadness slowly rose up from my chest and I felt like I was suffocating. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to be alone even if I would be disappointing Digger.
I spun around to face Raph, meeting his cool eyes with my own dark one.

“Please tell Mr Wells that I’m sorry but I wish to return to my room,” I said formally, my voice already showing how weary I felt.

Raph nodded and waved over a young boy with dark spikey hair. He told him to relay the message to Digger. He then inclined his head and I took it as an indication to follow. He took me down all the same passages and I was able to recognise certain things, this sent a thrill of excitement through me. We finally arrived at my door and I opened it slowly, not wishing to be all alone again even though I had requested it. I had just walked through when Raph cleared his throat and I was forced to face him.

“I was told to inform you that your training will begin tomorrow at 6 a.m. sharp. Someone will come and fetch you tomorrow fifteen minutes before. Goodnight Miss Goldsaw,” he saluted to me then strode away without a backwards glance.

I stood there wondering if he was rude or if he had people issues. I shrugged my shoulders then closed the door. Doing so made me feel like I was shutting out the rest of the world and with it my sanity but I didn’t have a choice.

I stripped down to my underwear and crawled into my military style bed. The sheets were scratchy and the pillow smelt like someone had poured soap powder on it but this was luxury compared to what I had been used to living in. Instead of falling asleep instantly I just stared at the ceiling, my mind flicking through the day’s events. First of all Raph was an interesting case and I couldn’t quite place him. Then there was the newfound discovery of my claustrophobia which was an irritation. You get rid of one mental illness only to have it replaced by another one. Lastly, I had to deal with the fact that I was different now and that people would look at me differently. Tears sprang to my eyes and I sniffled, feeling pathetic. I really had to stop crying every time I thought about my new appendages. I pulled the cover up over my head and bit back the tears the wanted to fall. I tried to pull up a mental image of my parents’ faces but all I got were blurred images and the day of the bomb. I ran my fingers through my hair and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. The urge to cry began to recede and the memory was shoved back into the do not open box in my mind. There was a lump in my throat and my heart ached but I felt better.