Level Zero
Introduction
To the people I've wronged,
the ones I've disappointed,
those I've angered,
them I caused grief.
To the people whom I've given joy,
the ones I teased,
those who laughed along,
them I've cried with.
To you I cried for.
To you whom I've left behind.
To you who lifted me up.
A compilation of my best victories, the good days, the fuck-ups, the worst storms, the crowd, the memories, the sun, the moon, the stars, my dreams, my fears, the valleys and mountains, the roads, the rain, the heat, skin and hues and lips and mind and sound and touch and jumbled words.
I am no poet. I am no good in letting emotions out and spinning them into riveting phrases. More like, I dump everything and hope it ends up understandable.
But this is me. This is me developing. Growing.
This compilation is a symbol of progress. This is how I changed, why I changed, the way I am still changing. Most of these are just jumbled thoughts - no coherency whatsoever, written at my worst. Sadly, it is eerily similar to those written at my best.
Past
If I let it linger a moment more
back then
Would you have chosen me?
If I had let you make a treasure map
of my neck
Mark with red and kisses of possession
Would you have stayed with me?
Would you have lain beside me
the nights the cold sent me in too early?
Would you have cared where I am
the way my eyes constantly seek your form?
Would you have continued to caress
my heartstrings
the way you teased my skin
Back then
Back then
But love,
I could only speak of the past,
because I did not give you my body
nor did it seem the you have seen my heart
which was in your hands
Or was it just that you did not care?
Doubt.
I did not know
Back then
That you could gaze like you do now
That you could love someone like you do now
Regret.
Back then
Back then
But now,
I try never to meet your eyes
across the room
Never to say something
that reminds me of you
Never to speak about her
- that new found love that could have been me
Ashamed.
If only
Would you have loved me
like you love her
If I gave you my body to devour?
Curiosity.
Back then
Back then
But I,
I gave up the chance
I know will never come again
Because I had it
and let it go back then.
Past II
They said I was right
your desires are wrong
That it was lust
just lust, you feel
Back then
Back then
But now,
I think even love
has to start somewhere
Maybe you
would have given yourself
If I just
gave you me
Maybe not right then
but eventually
You would have
looked at me
With love in your eyes
like you look at her now
Should I have compromised?
Do I deserve the jealousy?
Should I accept the pain?
Was I wrong
back then?