Love.

I am not thinking about the ordinary kind. The kind where wars are waged. God pitted against God Himself. The kind where Heaven and Earth separate because of it.

Time.

It is lost contemplating and wondering the reason love willed me to do something I wasn't designed to do. Days? Weeks? Months? I don't know how much time has passed. Yet, the answer is elusive, no matter how hard I try. I fear that the source of love is too complicated to grasp.

I. As a creature of light and love, a mere servant created to serve the Lord fall further and further deep into hopelessness. There is nothing but doom. The Archangel Gabriel has to save me. Save us.

We are embroiled in a war that pits us against the law of Heaven. The war Lucifer fought and eventually lost. We have to figure things out and fast. Or I fear that the end of my existence is imminent.

I beg for God's forgiveness no matter what happens. I am weak and a lowly servant. For that, I am sorry for being what I am. I cannot do any better.

This nightmare has to end. It grows more and more out of control every day. I continue to beg God to intervene. We've been trying to reach Him. But it is futile. Now, I can only hope in Archangel Gabriel. Ae (pronoun for an angel that sounds like ‘ay’ in May) is my only hope.

God, please rescue us from this darkness that threatens to engulf us into the clutches of oblivion. A place where we will cease to exist. 

Whatever happens, don't look back Raph.

I will never disobey God! 

Yet, my instincts are leading me to do which I have sworn not to. To change who I am because of that is absolutely horribly downright wrong.

Today, an important decision has to be made. I wish that I didn’t have to come to this point in my existence. Choosing between life or vanish into nothingness. The Archangel Gabriel and I risk being forgotten forever. Many angels who have fallen go to join Lucifer. But I’d rather just cease to exist than band with those angels in Hell.

Yesterday was beautiful. More beautiful than I can ever have imagined my life can be. A normal, ordinary and plain life. Beautiful normal, extraordinarily ordinary and a plain simple life is what it was. 

The Archangel Gabriel and I stand at the precipitous of fate. I have to decide. Whether I want to turn human so that I can stay in Heaven. The comfort is that I will be a Human. In Heaven.

Let’s just turn back time for a bit. Back to the very first time, I met the Archangel Gabriel.

Of all Archangels, I have never ceased admiring how strong and courageous this Archangel has been in the Heavens. The Heavens will never be safe if the Archangel disappeared. When I met Aem (Another Angel pronoun similar to him, pronounced as aim) for the first time, I basked in the awe just to be in Ae’s presence. His strength, humility, faithfulness and loyalty were overwhelming to my senses.

I don’t know how it all moved so fast. It is all very blurry. Somehow the memory seems distorted. All I can remember is that we frequently met at the Purity Pool, consulted our BFFs and the Almighty for advice about these unwanted feelings. Every single turn began bringing us towards a dead end. I don’t know about the Archangel. But I believe in Aem. Ae will figure things out, and we will be okay.

It goes without saying that I have always been faithful to God. 

Always. Always. Always. 

I have done nothing but obey orders and do what I was designed to do. To guide the children of Earth when they arrive here in Heaven. I help them get comfortable with their new home.

It is beyond my comprehension and ability to fathom what is happening to Archangel Gabriel and I if we ever get caught. But we will not get caught. The Archangel will outsmart everyone including the Almighty. We have all been the most devout of angels. We would never ever go against the law of Heaven. Cause chaos to the most divine and sacred of places in the realm of the Universe.

To base my decision on instincts is just absolutely horribly wrong. But then somehow… this just feels right. How is it right I cannot explain. Somehow… I know that I can only do what is rational to my own senses and what we have tried all along so desperately to seek the truth and make things right. Archangel Gabriel and I have exhausted all resources and every possible avenue to stop ourselves from falling any further. Yet, it is as if this choice has us cornered. It’s as if the Heavens has made a choice for us. Crazy as it may sound. It’s as if there was a bigger explanation that defies both the understanding of the Archangel and me. 

The Heavens will never change. 

Love will never change.

That is why I believe we will stay in the Heavens and never get caught.

Coz… 

I believe that love always wins.

I was thinking of the Archangel Gabriel when out of nowhere, the Archangel emerged. Imagine the awe. His entrances are always spectacular, especially when he lands from the sky. The touchdown is soft and gentle. That always gives me a comforting feeling.

“Raphael. We have to talk,” Archangel Gabriel said in his deep and calm tone.

“Yes. What’s up?” I asked, trying to keep things as casual as I can, even if this was of life and death magnitude.

“Have you made your decision?” The Archangel asked as Ae became somber.

“I have.” 

The Archangel's eyes lit up, widening and focusing intently on what I was about to say. Ae knew what this can mean.

“Yes,” I said.

“Yes?” The Archangel echoed back.

“Yes, that’s what I said.” 

“Yes, what?”

“OK. Stop! I am going to go mad any moment now. What I said is that I have come to the decision to try and be human.”

“That’s the correct response. We are turning human Raph. Yes, can mean, you want to stay angel. Just confirming,” Archangel Gabriel replied.

We both fell silent for a moment. We closed our eyes trying to sense with all our being the atmosphere. It was just a whole stretch of clouds and lights of a thousand suns. The air as crisp and fresh as a morning after the rain. We reached out with all we could to the Heavens and the ether. We reached out to the Almighty. 

All we got was dead silence. As we opened our eyes, we looked at each other knowing what we need to do. The Archangel gave me the tired but strong look. I then returned Aem a gaze of confidence. 

Ae will get us out of this situation no matter how dire it was.

“Hey angels!” Adam shouted from afar.

Archangel Gabriel jumped behind me, startled at who would be around at this time in the middle of nowhere.

“Who is it?!”

“It’s us. Adam and Eve. You know us right?”

“Well…,” I said. "Maybe a little too much. Thank you.”

“So what is going on? Did you get what you were figuring out?” Adam asked.

I looked at the Archangel and the Archangel looked at me. We didn’t know what to say.

“OK, kiddos. Don’t worry. Whatever it is. You know we’ll always be here for you.”

“Thanks!” We said simultaneously. I giggled as Archangel Gabriel gave a big belch of laughter.

“We’ll see you soon, kiddos. Have fun!” With that Adam and Eve just left. Eve never said a word but her lingering stare while parting seemed as though she knew something. I tried not to give it any more thought.

“We have to go somewhere even quieter. Somewhere no angel will sense us. Somewhere angels will never look twice for other angels. We need to go there to talk things out and see how we are going to make this all work. Stay in Heaven. Be together. Never get caught.”
As the Archangel spoke, I kept nodding. 

“So where do you think we should go without being detected?”

We ascended high into the clouds. Higher and higher we went until the sun changed from a hue of a thousand suns to a million. We stopped there and the Archangel began to speak.

“We need human costumes.”

“Easy. We just get the human costumes, and we can become humans living in Heaven,” I said.

“No. It’s not that simple.”

“Why is that so?” I asked like a little child.

“You see…human costumes are only used by Angels to go undercover.  These are precious because it transforms an angel into a human.  If we are going to become humans by changing into them, we will only be able to do it for a couple of hours. If,” the Archangel paused for awhile to be able to think better. “If we decide that we are going to do this and never change back, there is a spell that I have to learn. That I will take care of it. But we have to get the human costume first. Then we will talk about anything else. If I fail,” the Archangel went into deep thought after saying the F-word. “If I fail, that’s as far as our story goes. I will ask the Almighty to wash away our memories once again. Then I will ask never to leave the Throne Room grounds and opt never to go anywhere else for work. I will make sure that I do not leave the grounds. I will ask the Almighty to prohibit you from entering this place,” the Archangel said as I looked at Aem and turned away. I couldn’t look the Archangel in the eye. No matter what happens, I just wish that this feeling of desire will never reemerge if what we want doesn't happen.

I’ve never seen the powerful Archangel Gabriel so worried as Ae is the most innately positive Archangel I know. But this time, I think it is going to be really really tough. Even for an angel of the Archangel’s stature. 

God help us. If you are listening. Please. Help.