In September I moved into the attic of my Aunt's home, I was engaged, starting a job, and in a place of new beginnings. It was during this time that I suddenly stopped writing in a diary (something I had done for over five years) and found myself putting together the words of my day into what looked like poetry, minus the rhyming. At first I didn't realize what I was writing could actually be considered poetry, I simply that I was faking or mimicking poetry,  yet I found myself unable to stop.  This propelled me into the world of Free Verse, Erasure Poetry, and other types of poetry in those veins.   So as I started to read more poetry, I found I wasn't the only person who wanted to be able to write in this genre, but failed miserably when trying to rhyme. 

Of the verse I have complied here only half are based off of my real life, others are experience I have exaggerated, and others are simply verses that I found myself writing.  

September-November 2014

Penelope and Harrison,

Two children adventure,

Penelope knew Morgana vaguely.

Look at my hands,

Stained with blood,

The blood of those I lied to.

Scrub floors

Clean floors

Wash walls

Clean walls

Children scatter.

Brown carpet

Denim bed

Nightmares.

Blue eyes and baby face,

Little boy blue has lost his way.

They say he's gone to heaven.

I hope he has.

All I know is,

He's gone and it's empty,

There's a sore spot where he should be.

Swift leap to happiness,

Feather in a bowl,

Growing space.

You brighten my days,

I tend to get into pessimistic circles

When you're not around.

I used your sex like a drug,

I promise I love you for more than that,

Don't leave me please.

Salt looks through the salt shaker,

Happiness is the search for content, people,

I wear the colors of my soul.

The samurai,

The warrior,  

The hidden friend for us all.

Vinyl pictures

Make me nogalsitic,

Boys wear skinny jeans,

Girl legs in floral print.

The deep end of tumblr,

Sickening colors,

Kids on drugs,

The burnt taste in my mouth,

Anxiety in my stomach,

Will I be stuck forever?

The more hipster you listen,

You have a tendency that's depressing.

The slow sway

Makes you want a different time of age.

Sleep.

Sleep peacefully.

Sleep.

Sleep well tonight.

Making nudity a art,

Self esteem

What is it?

Are they really so very bad?

Do these pictures,

Capture my loneliness,

Enough?

Magical

Artistry

Self-love?

People.

Noice.

Voices mingling over voices.

Thoughts unheard.

The faces you see mixed together,

The lines down you're back,

Cropped shirts and baffled names,

Stomach knots,

Clouded thoughts,

Dreams too close to reality,

Wading through the days,

Like swimming through a lake of molasses,

Burn through my depression,

Where are you?

Lone cats

Blond children

Fall days

Babysitting

Fake friends,

Feeling unable to feel,

Ice blocking my heart.

Write every day

Write every day

Write every day

Write every day

Write every day

Write every day

Write every day

How can I feel regret,

And yet still know,

That I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Its not the regret you regret your whole life,

Its momentary longings,

Flashes of sounds and what-could-have-beens.

I'm here.

You're here.

We're meant to be.

So please don't worry,

Or let me worry,

When this happens,

It will pass.

Your life is not a hipster calling card.

The truck killed the twig,

And left it's brain standing there,

The children bent their backs over,

We stole the apples because we had to

The children cried and told us not to,

The monsters attacked when you weren't there,

And it wasn't them that scared me,

It was never seeing you again.

The little girl wore a black dress,

And I sang 'La Vi Un Rose',

Never knowing it would kill me.

Sometimes it bothers me,

That I need you like a drug,

But it hurts so much,

When I'm alone.

The abstract,

The Tumblr,

The grotesque mixed with goddess.

Softly, softly, watch how you tread,

Look around you, the lioness,

Crouched,  opium, drugged,

But ready.

Harken! Hear them?

Chanting, moaning,  breathless,

They hunt

Wife eyes glazed over.

Step, lines and wires,

Cages ready to fall,

Miss one and it all comes tumbling down,

Down, down to the teeth.

Fake velocity,

She smells like leftover sex,

One line appears,

Relief,

And strangely,

You feel empty.

Tired.

Utterly exhausted.

Spent energy.

The cup is drained.

Nights alone,

Seeing shadows,

God where are you?

I'm like a little child again,

Cowering under blankets,

Lord have my life again,

Jesus prove your might,

I'm waiting.

Once upon a time,

I accidentally wished,

Upon the wrong star.

The tired headaches,

The solitary confinement longs,

We are empty.

Leftover heartbeats.

Eyes dried over without sleep.

The days without your lover,

Are days of the dead.

Two,

If by the sea,

The music swells,

Like a maroon balloon,

And I can see your eyes even now,

Dead and sapphire green,

Like those cats we used to hunt.

The daisies will be popping up from spring,

Now,

The last ones out of school were the polly-woggles,

It didn't last long,

We ate them like peanut-butter sandwiches.

Something in the biting air,

Or in the evergreen trees,

The branches,

The sap.

Something in the kingless mountains,

The horses watching,

The grey clouds gathering,

The raindrops falling on my lips.

Something here speaks to me,

Mother Wild West,

She makes me feel caged,

Pent up,

Crowded in.

Here in this space of county,

I feel the need to run,

Be one with nature,

Wild,

The animal in my soul,

Rears its head.

Coming running,

Running,

Running,

Down the mountain.

Come play with me,

Come sing with me,

The earth vibrates with life and color and song.

The sea of old called to sailors,

The wild west taunted us with gold.

Still she sings,

This bosom earth,

Come be with me,

Come home.

The ancestral magic plays with the autumn air,

A feeling you fear,

And yet it excites you,

Those hands clasped the gold they knew,

Farm smell mixed with smoke and woodland,

Brings back the feelings of childhood.

Pattering feet,

Wordless useless screams,

Babel,

Travel,

Chatter,

Hiss,

Tiny toes,

And miniature mouths,

Silly questions,

I,

Useless questions,

Whine,

Scream,

Giggle,

Sleep.

Stare,

And look at these imperfections,

This is you,

You will never be good enough.

Burnt out orange,

Faded blue,

Backdrop of sickly pink,

Van Gogh shoes,

'70's sweater,

Bedside neverland.

Holes in their heads,

These show their emotions,

They look at you,

They judge you,

Hard,

Unfeeling,

350 degree angle,

"Hi, how are you?"

Smile,

"Nice to meet you"

Is this real,

Are they real?

So sure of himself,

And of what he wants,

So confidant,

So strong.

The heaviness over your heart,

Feelings of never being good enough,

You say the words over yourself,

A chant like that of a priest,

You tell yourself over and over again,

When will it be enough?

The wild heart,

Can it ever be changed?

Those mute longings,

Float,

Dance on the wind,

And hear the earth sing,

Wish to be eternally free,

Let me reincarnate in the wind,

Fragments of me,

Wants to live,

Alone,

Cat-like,

Roving here,

Tither,

And there,

Living whom I will,

With the freedom to leave.

What do you do,

When you know them,

But they don't know you?

You hold a collection of faces,

Useless trivia and names,

The ones you remember,

But have forgotten you,

Does this mean you're nothing?

Nothing to remember,

Silly little girl,

You're like a ghost in the background,

Not worth looking at,

Not worth the time.

Beauty flickers across,

Like candle light blown out in the wind.

Deer in the headlights,

And a bug under the microscope.

Inspiration,

Under blankets,

Underlying feelings of clouded depression,

These will all go away.

Those days you just want to stop,

And you try to keep busy,

Busy,

Busy,

Busy,

It's like fighting the current,

And you know,

Eventually you'll just have to drown.

Laughing,

Crying,

Screaming,

Biting,

Pinching,

Hurting,

Clawing,

Cutting,

Rocking,

Howling,

Pulling hair,

Biting nails,

Throwing across the room.

Hiding,

Wanting to bury myself in,

The need to hibernate,

To be without.

I am devoid,

Cavarness,

A hole in the ground,

Dug out by children,

I am raw.

Tell me what to do,

Shaking and agitated,

I curl beneath blankets,

I don't want to see or hear humans,

But I need to be busy.

Hellbent on wishing,

Dreams that will never come true,

You could never,

Act like a human being,

Anyway.

You talked to him,

He made you feel better,

Mixed up,

He makes you feel safe,

And wrong,

And right,

He says he'll stay forever,

Should you let him?

You love him,

More than anyone else,

That you've ever known,

Please,  

Stay with me.

Rusty eyes won't close,

But wish the next day here,

The cat's mouth is loud,

Baby cries beneath,

Or is it a dog's howl,

They don't like that in the city,

Halloween tomorrow,

Rain patters steadily,

Cars pass by now and again,

The baby definitely wailing,

Should sleep soon.

I don't like them touching me,

Unknown men,

I'm supposed to dance with them,

He's normal,

My boy,

I'm not,

He likes them,

His people,

I'm anti social,

I can see their breath,

Sweat,

I see their thoughts,

Do they judge me?

Of course they do,

Silly girl.

Baby don't you worry,

Baby don't you cry,

It'll all get better soon,

It'll be alright.

Night time inspiration,

Is for,

Chasing depression away,

Scurry nasty thing,

Run away and hide,

Muse has come back to play,

To scare you away.

Do people read poetry anymore?

No,

They're too busy,

Poetry is for the soul,

Who takes silent breaks,

This,

Generation,

Too noisy,

Too much stuff,

Too much to say,

Not enough time,

To think.

Bite size thoughts,

Flutter like flies,

Almost too fast,

To hear,

Firefly catching,

Mazed running,

Not watching where to go,

Following your thoughts.  

It started out to remember,

But became,

So much more than that.

Noises in the background,

Not making it through,

Too tired.

The music is intoxicating,

It moves you against your will,

And you know you don't really want to,

But part of you does,

Move your body,

Get lost in the music,

Give in to the psychosis.

I'm really more upset at the idea of death,

It strikes once,

And comes back at you again,

Life is a bitch.

Give me something to do,

To fight,

To live for,

So close,

To losing it,

Slipping away,

Losing my foot hold,

Getting lost,

And fighting back,

Less,

And less,

Each time.

All they wanted was love,

Food each day,

Security,

They knew something was wrong,

But were too young,

No one told them anything.

Nostalgia is a dangerous thing,

The welling up of feelings,

That cause you to be on the run.

Can you understand me?

I am the wild cat,

I need the space and freedom,

And you to come home too.

I love you,

I love you,

And I will never leave you.

I am terrified,

Of the wedding,

The people,

The eyes.

Let's move,

Let's run away.

The snow was deep,

And the branches still green,

Christmas music played in your ears,

And you thought of home,

Christmas food and presents,

You remember how you've done, Christmas all your childhood,

You remember more fondly those you call family,

You long for home.

What do you do with life?

This fleeting existence,

When you hang on,

By a fingernail,

To the crust of the earth.

They wore their coats all day,

Because they were their own,

And it was all they had.

I want to draw inward,

To save myself,

To cocoon away.

First Christmas as my own family,

Strange thought,

Frightening thought,

Electric exciting thought,

A new life awaits,

Am I brave enough to take it?

A novel awaits,

50,000 words,

And I all can do,

Is think in poetry.

In some ways the day has been agony,

In others,

Its flown by,

It is almost done,

What have I done?

Again the sky is muddy and overcast,

Like the snow gone wrong,

In the cold air,

A feeling of melancholy.

The word silver,

Silver,

Glinting,

Shining,

Metallic,

Alluring,

Majestic.

I didn't go to church yesterday,

How am I supposed to feel,

About that?  

Religion is a family affair,

They comment on what you do,

What you say,

Where you go,

What do I do?

Thoughts said like Irish,

Funny things make you happy.

Days set aside to ponder,

Days set aside to think,

Days set aside to be,

Days set aside to live.

He wanted ideas,

Because his mum was scared,

Maybe she would leave them too,

If she got too frightened,

He wanted to help,

But didn't know how.

The pill for stuck in my throat,

It was coloured like hell,

And the size of a small egg,

Thanks.

The turkey had eggs,

And I'm writing nonsense,

Because I'm leaving reality.

The bitch broke his heart,

But I guess I don't blame her,

She used him,

Everyone knew that,

I think she was scared.

I'd wear my fuzzy slippers,

To bed if I could.

I stutter like her.

I feel out of sync,

What do you do,

On days like this?

Almost out,

Emotionally spent,

I can feel the well running dry,

And yet I have to push on,

Push on.

I'm hiding in my room.

The noise.

They're talking politics down there.

I give up,

It's not going,

He's not here,

The four walls seem so close,

Get me out,

Please.

You saw his hand,

Empty,

Waiting,

Open,

And the sounds rushed in your ears,

It welled in your soul,

Go home,

Or run away,

And you're scared,

So scared,

That the feeling will be overpowering,

In ways you love that feeling,

And you want it,

But you kinda love this boy,

Please don't leave him.

I feel scared,

Tremble-y,

Lost,

I just want everything to end,

The pounding in my head doesn't make it better,

I'm penned up,

Something wild that shouldn't be,

Tied up in a web,

But the one sucking my blood,

Is me.

Why did Wendy leave?

Why did she want to grow up?

Breathing,

Rapidly,

State of fear?

Panic?

Anxiety?

I feel like I haven't slept for days,

Maybe if I could just stop,

And then I'd wake up,

And everything world be better.

Memories triggered,

Good or bad?

Buried away,

Guilt,

Hiding from him.

You're a drama queen,

Stop it,

Stop it,

Stop it,

Stop it.

When you write things,

It makes them real?

Small faces,

The things that scamper across,

When you don't even mean too,

She looks like she wants to cry,

She's tired,

He likes this place,

It makes him happy,

She has no expression on her face,

What does she feel?

My toes are warm,

And my feet hurt,

My mind wants to turn off,

With you in my arms,

But here we are,

And even though,

I'd be doing other things,

I see how happy you are,

And I don't mind making you happy.

The dress was blue,

And made of lace,

Her hair was wet,

And stringy,

But her interested me most of all,

It was unhappy,

And that was all wrong.

Ah,

Sigh,

Relax,

Be at peace.

Calm,

This song makes me feel,

Like I'm floating on clouds,

Riding in a car,

Moving my hand,

Up,

And,

Down,

Around telephone poles,

Sweet melancholy,

And times of beautiful silence,

Road trips,

Those things,

That make you wish,

You were a child again.

Call me free,

Fly me so high,

On the bird's blue wings.

Think Titanic innocence.

Close your eyes,

Breathe,

Relax,

He's here,

You're home,

You don't have to worry,

Here.

White like dough,

Jiggling,

Rounded hips and belly,

Imperfect,

Imperfect,

Imperfect.

Then she stood up,

And my heart shattered with hers,

But I was caught,

And she was free.

Pretending,

Pretending,

With all the wrong questions,

All the wrong answers,

And feeling helpless,

Feeling annoyed,

You have a cold now,

And skipped breakfast,

And the friends keep going,

Around,

Around,

Around.

Grainy days,

Who wants to live in this confined world anyway?

It is in these hours that we found ourselves,

And you wouldn't let him be your friend anymore,

Because he was sucking you in,

And he was not that kind of boy.

Remember when you thought he was your angel?

That didn't happen anymore.

The scandal of where we we're,

Strayed not into our minds,

The words leapt of the page with shouts,

And bounds,

It is exhilarating,

The works I discovered,

The tightening in my chest.

Violent ice cream,

Chopped nuts,

Macaroni hiding under tables,

I felt like a true artist then.

Don't you have a coat,

Don't you think its cold,

I asked the boy who was walking?

I was a small kid,

And people thought I was strange,

But I didn't mind,

Because I knew stuff,

They never could.

I miss you,

I know,

I smile.

Home from work,

Purple slippers,

Imogen on repeat,

That'll be my daughter's name someday,

Unmade bed,

Mom wants me to change that,

Instead I paint my soul,

In words.

Breaking into a cold sweat,

Numbers on the writer's wall,

And maybe we did that one wrong,

Oils on the throat,

Head hurts,

So much,

Can't hold it up,

Any longer.

It hunts you in secret,

Suddenly springing upon you,

Guilt.

There are the things you do,

And the things you want to do,

The things you are,

The things you aren't,

Those you love,

Those you don't love.

The pantry soul was lost,

And those who ate,

Golden flies on pin cushions,

The tired mind eats words,

Cutting them out from pages,

To make something new.

Hello sleep,

Hello those gnawing pains of hunger,

Help small child,

Hello adult,

Hello people,

Hello world.

Contrary to popular belief,

I was not awake at the time.

I give me permission to create.

Piano key tones,

Drumbeats troubling,

Many stringed instruments,

Of happiness.

The pantry soul was lost,

Under rubbermaid,

And roasted beans.

Sometimes we must accept ourselves before others accept us.

And we laughed a lot.

I was looking for a bobble,

A something,

A nothing,

Just for me.

Restless,

Traveling,

Ideas,

So many Ideas,

So many thoughts,

I need a space of my own,

To create.

I'm not feeling,

That connection,

With you,

Tonight.

Nor with you either,

Which hurts my heart,

Just a little...

Being as it were,

A noble cause indeed,

Time issued forth,

The beads worth of anxiety,

They knew how to work the system.

Tomorrow glittering new works await,

But now the heavens darken,

The eyelids close unbidden,

I don't want to sleep.

Those things go slowly,

They take time,

And that's alright,

It will come eventually,

For now be happy,

You've opened a new door.

To give oneself to another,

Without selfishness or pride,

Till death do us part,

This is...

The greatest sacrifice,

Do you know what you are doing?

No,

Of course not,

But that's ok,

We'll learn along the way.

Take into account,

The music in your blood,

And there you have it,

What you write.

Put two clevers together,

And you get,

Two boring clevers.

The faeries and goblins in my brain,

Dance and go walkabout,

And I must be an adult,

And not go dancing after them.

I embraced the day,

And turned on the light,

And crawled back into bed.

We were broken in the middle,

Though we didn't mean to be,

Blood dribbling,

From nose to open mouth.

I was drawn to the broken hipster side,

Why do these tear at my heart so?

What do you mean you weren't there?

I saw you,

Don't play games with me,

I know what I saw,

You can't twist me around your finger anymore,

I don't care about that,

I just want it all to stop,

Maybe someday,

You'll understand what you did,

To the rest of us.

Was it like this before?

I honestly don't remember,

She laughed fakely.

Stone overtaken by stone,

Pavements taken over with a crash,

Ashes dissolving in your blood.

Hookers,

Hoes,

Hookers,

Hoes,

Hookers,

Hoes,

Hookers.

Crude love,

Aren't you better than that?

Flex those muscles love,

Strain,

That's how hard you worked to keep this open,

It's okay to take a step back.

Hardly hard,

In mixed up pieces,

We wondered how to taste,

And let the door open.

The smell of drying leaves fills the room,

And I'll admit I'm cold,

Cars drift by,

A dog is annoying,

Its normal night,

Goodnight.

Hello hun,

Hello darling,

What are you doing?

Reading dear,

Oh ok,

Going to bed love,

No dear not yet,

I love you,

I love you too.

We walked back,

And learned it was a joke later,

I didn't like the way it tasted,

We offered apple cider,

The fleas ate me alive.

Poetry melts the brains,

Warms the heart,

Enlightens the mind.

Chair legs and geese,

OCD in rampant children,

Scotch filled air,

I need more blankets.

Harmonies,

Connecting words,

Brings me peace.

Looks far afield,

Dreams and does,

She's left by herself.

Shall I become mother goose?

Birds on my mind?

Can't seem to concentrate anymore...

Remember the vegetables,

They didn't do anything wrong.

Those aggravating people,

Those aggravating people,

Those aggravating people,

I'll try again next time.

A little in and out of wrong,

The cord slipped around my feet,

Sleep.

Warmest greetings,

Season's greeting,

Mumble,

Tumble,

Stop.

The telegram sent.

Not now but soon,

I tried it all,

I just want you.

The bear rumbling below,

Run and hide your mind.

1:56

1:55

1:54

On your mark

1:53

1:52

1:51

Eyes and ears peeled,

1:50

1:49

1:48

Get set,

Waiting on the last seconds,

5,

4,

3,

Crouched,

Muscles strained,

2,

1.

My bed,

My bed,

Singing about my bed,

My day,

My day,

Singing about my day.

When the breeze blocked sadness,

And golden laughter filled our ears,

Those days were more than full,

Of nursery rhymes,

And children's games,

Of hopscotch,

And merry sunny days with lemonade,

Those days were mine,

Just me and you.

Busy boredom,

A busy day,

Little nothings,

A busy busy day.

Past my bed time,

Oh Yes,

I forgot,

It's past my bed time,

Go to sleep,

Before you get hungry again,

Before you need to go to the bathroom again,

Before it's time to wake up again.

I'll be there,

To tape your smashed up heads,

To mend your crushed hearts,

I'll be there,

In my bite sized life boats,

When you need me,

I'll be there.

I love the dark in this,

The unusual rapidity of heartbeats,

Of twisted hands and sighs,

Oh okay,

We got this one time.

Messages in the dark,

And your face in the moonlight,

The words that come from your mouth,

They treat my heart,

With unexplainable kindness.

Addicted to the small lies we tell,

The ones that make others shut up,

The ones that make it so,

We don't have to explain or,

Tell what's really going on.

In my head I twist up,

All the people I see,

Who look so good on the outside,

And to other people,

We can't all be good.

Harboring the inspiration,

And limiting the genius,

You're jealous.

Are you scared?

Afraid that you might not have talent?

Will you let that stop you?

My hair was tainted,

I was naked and forlorn,

Obsessed with Patti Smith,

Though not the music,

These should that have everything,

For what made them alive,

How mine burns.

You see those fishies?

They see you too.

It looks like I don't care,

I swear,

I'm screaming inside,

Rioting,

Begging to be let out,

The inside and outside,

Just can't connect.

When you're all written out,

Utterly exhausted to the core,

And people are maddening,

And you feel crazy again,

Remember,

There's a sweet boy who loves you,

And he's promised to always be there for you.  

You smell like him,

And you're face lights up,

And the pleasure takes up,

For the morality of later,

And yet,

Though man and gods stand against me,

That we'll be good in the end.

You sank lidless,

And clueless,

Blinded and broken,

Bent,

Shattered,

Twisted,

Deformed,

Ugly,

Oh so ugly,

Ah! They cry,

Frankenstein again!

Classical jerry-hoppers,

Jellybeans and I,

Goldfish,

Pie sitting on the tea shelf,

David loves Morgan,

And no more for you.

Chuckled nonsense,

Based off of movie quotes,

12 O Clock.

Marx loved his face,

His brothers did too,

Though only because he asked them to.

We were drunk one night.