As I sit here with my pale hands hugging my knees as I'm rocking back and forth in the pitch black dark. Just thinking about my life from the past couple of years.... I've been through such pain. That's why I isolated myself from everyone including my family. Why does this have to happen to me? I don't understand this nonsense? Why am I still here? I check my house phone and it says that I have 23 news messages. Well damn! I check the messages out:
First new Message: " Maria, I know this is sudden but I'm starting to worry about you. You're the only daughter who never calls me anymore, " Mom speaks
" Well maybe she's busy, mother? " Catherine speaks as well.
" Catherine, she's only twenty four years old so what's there to be alone for? She should be living it up like it's her last with her friends, " Mother speaks again.
" Twenty five in couple of days, "
" Oh yeah...Cath, thanks for reminding me but don't we have the funeral to go to on that day, " fuck, I forgot that son of a bitch had passed away. Out of all of the days it just have to be on my birthday.
" Listen Maria, I know that we can't change what had happened in the past but we can only move forward. So, are you going to move forward or stay behind? " Catherine asks me. I'm just going to stay behind or maybe should I just move forward. I don't know, I'm in half in half situation here. My heart wants me to stay here but my head wants me to move forward.
" Honey, are you coming to your father funeral on your birthday? It will mean the world to me just to see your face again and know that you are okay, " Mom says.
The message ends but suddenly I feel a rush of more sadness taking over me. Maybe I should go to his funeral and see my family again. I really miss them but not dad after what he had done to me. In fact I'm glad he's dead because of him I'm afraid to love or have sex with anyone. I'm afraid to open my heart to anyone because of him. Because of him I'm afraid of how weak I am. I tried to love but it just didn't work because of what he did to me.
The last message: " Hey Maria, so your birthday is coming up and the girls decided to take you out for the night. I heard about the funeral on your birthday and man that sucks. You should be happy about that bastard being dead, " Isabelle says. I guess she's drunk! I pick up the phone and hit answer.
" Hey, Isabelle how are you? " I asks her.
" Hey Maria, I'm fine and you? " She replies.
" I'm not okay, I'm hurting, "
" I know Maria, I know and everything will be okay, "
" How do you know? "
" I just do so please trust me when I say that everything will be okay, " She says to me through the phone. I heard a little bit of concern and worry in her voice. Should I trust her? I means she's my best friend and here goes the doubts again.
" I trust you but are you drunk? " I asks her.
" You bet your sweet ass I am, " She would always ends that with a wink. I laugh to myself a little bit. Gosh, I miss them so much but I just want to be alone for a little while longer. " Gosh, Maria nothing's the same without you. You were like....the life of the party," She adds and I just smile to myself. Maybe this is a sign to move forward in life.
" So, how are the girls doing for the past years now? " I asks her.
" They are doing well, just well. Jackie had got a promotion at her job, Sarah had got married to the love of her life, Kelly is speed dating her way through guys which you should do the same Maria and as for me I'm at home talking to you, " I just nod my head no in disbelief. I shouldn't do that at least not yet. I'm so proud of my girls.
" That's good and tell Jackie and Sarah I said congratulations. I'm going to the bar later on tonight, Isabelle. Do you want to join me? " I asks her with the energy that I have. This is a start? Right? I'm trying! I'm trying!
" Of Course I will go to the bar with you, Maria," She squeals into the phone like a teenage girl. Oh, she haven't changed a bit. Now, I have a ringing in my ear. " Is this Maria moving forward? " She asks me but I don't know how to answer that. Is this me listening to my head and not my heart. Should I trust my head or heart? I'm only trying and I don't like it then I'm crawling back into my hole.
" I don't know yet but this is a start and I'm sure that I'm going to crawl back into my hole soon. We should meet up around....9:30ish, " I speak unsurely of my decision that I'm about to make. I glance at the clock to the right hand side of me and it reads 8:00.
" Ok and Maria please just move on because I don't want to lose you from depression, " she says in her serious tone of voice. I won't leave her from depression. " I'm worried about you and I just want the best for you but in order to be happy you have to move on. Move on Maria, move away from the pain and start living life, " This is coming from the person who drinks away her problems! Yet she's right, she's right.
" This is coming from a person who drinks away their problems, " With that I hang up the phone. I can't take it back now. Maria, what are you doing? She's your best friend and why would you call her out like that? Stupid Maria, just stupid. I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm not worth it. Clear liquids runs down from my tired, Dark brown eyes. I'm not ready to leave my dark black, depressing hole. She doesn't deserve a friend like me. I stand up to look at my reflection in the mirror.
All I can see is my messy, tangle, long, light brown hair that looks like I just got out of bed, watery, red, tired, light brown eyes, and pale white skin. Look at me, I'm weak, ugly, ashamed, afraid, and lifeless. I stand here looking through the mirror.
Enter A Flashback
I feel a rough, heavy hand caressing my left cheek. My eyes instantly flutter open to see who caressing my cheek while I'm asleep. As I see who it is my eyes are filled with horror, shame, shock and anger. My own father. How could he do this to me?
" Dad what are you doing on me? " I yell at him in complete anger. His body is laying on top of my body and his face is three inches away from my face. I should have known that no one is going to hear me because they are not here but I have hope.
" Shhh, Maria. You look beautiful when you are asleep. So be a good little girl and fuck daddy for me please or we can do this the hard way," He whispers in my ear. Just feeling his hot breath on my ear make me feel sick. I should puke on him but instead I push him off of me. " I guess we have to do this the hard way, " He says to me in a harsh tone of voice. He strongly grabs me and throws me on the couch.
" Please....stop......don't do this to me, " I cry out but my cry wasn't good enough. " Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me? " Tears forms and comes out of my eyes. I'm losing the power to talk and I'm also losing strength. His light brown eyes are filled with anger and lust as he stares at me.
" I want sex and your mother isn't giving me any so I'm going to have sex with you, " He raise his voice at me. " If you tell anyone I will kill you, "
End of Flashback
Those words echoes in my head as I still looking at myself in the mirror. He should've killed me after he done those things to me! I wipe some of my tears away from my eyes. I have to get ready for the night, yeah, ready for tonight. I walk upstairs to my room and grabs some stuff off of my bed. Walk to the bathroom, put my stuff on my all brown shelves to right of me. I turn the water on warm, fill it up with a little bit of bath water, and starts striping out of my clothes that wore for the past weeks or so. Is this a new beginning for me? I step in the warm water and I decide to just lay and relax in the water.
" If you tell anyone I will kill you, " He should've killed me! He should of, he should of, he should of. I put my head under the water and open my eyes.....