My Dialogues With My Mother

 

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Chapter 1

 Mom you bore me for nine months in your body .


As a  ,Dukhdai , I always gave  you pain ,was it painful to bear me in your body ?


( Dukh means sorrow and dai means giver in Hindi language .This word is used by mothers who love  their sons  deeply and feel sorrow when they don't do something good to give her joy but pain instead )


Yes ,there was always a joy for the arrival of a son in an Indian family ..


Mom,you took good care of my body and despite several illnesses ,I have survived for almost seven decades .


I  always keep asking you ," Mom how much the way is still left before I end my journey on this earth ?" 


There is a popular song from a Bengali film 'Katho door ,  bolo  ma?'I saw the Bengali film where a lot of people are walking on their feet to the Devi temple just like we have Vaishnodevi in north of India .


And you say ," It's nearby ,just keep walking , with a confidence in your mind and a trust for me in your heart .I shall always be there  , whenever you need me ."


I do not have any God's photograph in my room yet only your photo and my father's as well as my grandmother's .


Bless me mother .I have gone through several ups and downs in my life and came out a winner always .


At the last stage of my life ,I am faced with a great loneliness .I read a lot of books and write down my thoughts .


Main reason for my writing these thoughts is , when you grow old in your life ,you always look for the sayings of your parents and what all they went through at various stages of their lives .I read a few pages here and there written in Hndi by you in typical long hand. A few pages you wrote in 1987 when our joint family broke up .You advised all parents to be careful with their words they use while arguing or fighting with their wives .Little children have brains which record everything in detail .


Yes Ma ,I read it long after I suffered myself because my children completely cut me off from their lives for the past more than two years ,My daughter writes what she felt as a child recalling whenever I fought with my wife ,


And my mother says ,' remain cool in your happiness and sorrows  .


Everything passes away .


This too shall pass .


Learn to forgive and be grateful to your family .' 


Do your part well and do not worry if others are doing their's or not .





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Synopsis

I had a very special relationship with my mother ,as most of the children have.The relationship between a son and his mom is something special always .


Most of the Indian sons are closer to their mothers ,always resented by their wives later on and a power struggle ensues .Mother wants to hold on to her son and a new woman lays her claim on him .


I started talking to my Ma after reminiscing a movie Siddhartha by Ismail Merchant , written by Herman Hesse - where a song plays in the background ,'how long is the way ,Mom ?'-Katho door -bolo ma ? ( sung in Bengali language)


My mother went through the pains of bearing me in her body for nine months and the relationship I formed with my mother over the years continues after almost seven decades .


I can always feel the presence of my Ma in my own body ,starting with my feet which have grown bigger and my legs ,my arms , my heart and other  organs of my body .


I say my early morning prayers and do a little bit of yoga exercises and feel myself from my feet to my head .From a little foetus - many years ago ,I have grown up to an old man .


From a naughty little child to a studious student and then living my life like a free bird and exploring the life as well as my 

own body during my adolescent years .


Taking up responsibility ,settling down as per social norms ,making a family of my own took me almost four decades .


I gave her and my Pa extreme joys and extreme pains in my entire life .I ask for forgiveness and express my gratitude to both of them .


In Hindi language we say a DUKHDAI - a person who gives us pain but in a nice way .


I failed miserably and my Ma would look at me with awe saying ,

"What went wrong ?" 


" Nothing Ma ,I just didn't feel like studying ." 


"That's OK ,tomorrow is another day ." 


 I Experimented with my life and my body by smoking or drinking or taking hashish as a student during my adolescent years .


Close bond with my mother made me highly emotional and sensitive . I grew up as an adult with a moral character and a very disciplined life style .


I never borrowed compassion and her humility but my Pa's authoritativeness and anger instead .


Last night I got up in the middle of the night and started talking to my Mom ,who passed away more than twenty years ago .


All three of her children were around her when she took her last breath saying ,' Can you see my mother coming ?.She will take me by my finger along with her .'


My grandmother died long ago during 1959 and my mother remembered her own mother while dying during 1997.


It's interesting that when faced with your death ,you always think of getting back to your mother .






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Joy and pain

 It was a joy to everyone at home when I arrived.


I grew up to give you a lot of joy in your life but a plenty of pain too .


" Life is a combination of Joy and Pains and they keep coming  and departing one by one .Be of a strong heart and look at the sun and the trees outside which keep on surviving despite all seasons ," says my mom .


We always want to live with joy and never with pain in our lives .


Joys teaches you something about the life on the earth but pain makes you a wise man .Suffering makes you wiser .Taken positively ,a deep sorrow can lead to the greatest joy of your life .


" Be thankful to God , whatever he bestows upon you ," said my mother .


" Keep going and never ever stop - th next step in your life may bring the greatest of happiness in your life .Many people quit when they could have won the game if they stayed a little longer ," said my mom .


Thank you mother for the kind words .

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After you left us

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Your values still hold us together

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I transferred your love to my kids

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