An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.
Mahatma Gandhi

As a very young girl, I really didn't understand how people could have conflicting opinions on exactly the same thing, and I would often wonder who to believe about something, or even who was actually right.  I could find myself being told I was doing a good thing by one person, only to be in trouble for doing the exact same thing by someone else.  Way too confusing, and how do you even keep yourself out of trouble when you have no idea of what's acceptable or not. In an effort to understand exactly what it all meant, I took it upon myself to carry out some research.  Which I did by first speaking with my school teachers, then I searched for more thorough answers in my favourite place called the library and finally I even asked some of the neighbours about it, especially those with large families. I discovered that nearly everyone had a different perspective on just about everything, and some people could even give a different account of their family life and their reality growing up, that was completely opposite to what the other family members said.  I wrote about those differences, and spent an enormous amount of time recording my ideas on it all, in a small lined book I had bought for 1p at one of the jumble sales we had gone to one time, at the local scout hut.  But quite honestly at 12 years old I still had no real idea what any of it actually meant, and despite pages and pages of in depth notes on the subject, in some ways, I was even more confused than ever.  At the time the only thing I did wonder about was if any of it had anything at all to do with the level of education or wealth a person had.  Not least because many of the answers that my teachers gave seemed a lot more logical, and well thought out, compared to the responses which some of my neighbours gave, and as for my parents, well I actually didn't even bother asking them.  One teacher in particular had said it's all a matter of personal perspective and perception, and while I had no idea what that meant at the time, I did of course go to the library and read about it later.

Perception and reality are two separate things

The whole concept of perception especially, as the way in which we humans recognize and interpret the information that we've gathered through our senses, was both a complicated and a fascinating concept for me.   Especially when you apply it to different groups of people, like those growing up within the same families as I mentioned above, for instance. Fascinating and confusing not least because the people from the same families would most probably, have had to abide by the same rules, morals, disciplines and ideals.  But each person could then, if asked, very easily recount their life as though they had grown up in a distinctly different home, with decidedly different parents and vastly differing rules, as I discovered already!  And it just confirms what people believe when they say that things are not seen as they ‘actually’ are, but are judged by an individual's idea of what they ‘think’ they are seeing and feeling instead.  

This excerpt that I borrowed from wellandgood.com explains it further … “Perception is merely a lens or mindset from which we view people, events, and things.” In other words, we believe what we ‘perceive’ to be accurate, and we then create our personal realities based on those perceptions. And although our perceptions feel very real, that doesn't necessarily mean they're true or factual. 

As a young girl I had found something very similar to the above excerpt at the library when I had checked out what my teacher had said about perception.  I remember thinking about it and trying to figure out what it actually meant for people in reality, for the longest time. Not that I did anything with the information that I discovered back then, but much later in life when I came across it again, the concept not only felt familiar, but it actually made a lot more sense, and a lot of other confusing things suddenly became more understandable.  Not least that life in general, and growing up ultimately did have a lot more to do with the individual’s opinion  and personal perspective, rather than what was really going on in their life. 

Writing this paragraph right now, has just given me a massive flash of insight.  In particular having learned a little about ‘perception being projection’ at school when I gave myself the project to carry out and do research on ‘people and their behaviour’.  That knowledge, I have just realised, was probably the main reason I was able to deal with Jean and my dad’s behaviour and my total abandonment by them, so well.  Which makes sense, since we absorb everything that is going on around us like sponges, and never forget anything we have ever read, been told or have learned, so that piece of information was obviously sitting deep in the unconscious part of my mind just waiting for the right opportunity to be expressed.  Perfect!.   I have often wondered where my positive attitude and dogged determination that their crappy behaviour would not ruin or define me had come from, and now I know.  Thank you library.  Personally, this kind of thing only further reinforces the idea and belief that I hold in that everything happens for a reason.

I also began to realise that rarely is anything either completely right or absolutely wrong, but rather things just were as they were.  Using this kind of accepting and positive attitude in life has definitely taught me to stay present, be completely open minded, and to appreciate all of life's experiences, from another person's point of view, as well as my own.  And that in turn has taught me that rather than feel judged, or stupid because I am being made to feel wrong by someone, or even think I am hopeless just because someone disagrees, or completely dismisses my personal point of view, means nothing other than we just have a different point of view.  That, of course, doesn’t mean they are right or wrong either, and it is absolutely fine for people to disagree.  

The true importance of this idea only sank in for me when I unwittingly became the fall guy after one very intense and questionable situation.  Finding myself as the proverbial whipping boy, I suddenly realised just how much I struggled to feel any sense of importance and significance with the people I cared most about.  Especially when I felt that I was right, not because I came from an ignorant and opinionated place, but because I had given the whole situation a thorough examination.  I know who I am.  And I pride myself on being brutally honest and transparent in everything I do, but with this situation I was being treated as stubborn and wrong.  

It was a devastating time for me and I could never have dreamed that I would find myself where I did.  I hated that I suddenly felt less, especially when I was treated as such simply because the people that were important to me refused to speak the truth, or care enough about me to understand my reasoning, or how I even felt.  They ran a story.  Convincing themselves and everyone else involved that it was true and real, everyone that was, except me. My logical mind and extensive learning would not, and could not agree to something that I felt deep in my heart was just an orchestrated drama, designed only to manipulate and guilt trip.   

Even as young as I was, I knew this to be right, that I was coming from a place of honesty and integrity and I wanted them to believe in me because, to my very core, they knew that’s who I was.  They knew that I was brutally honest, only ever did the right thing and that I would not compromise my values or morals, nor would I lie just to make someone feel better about themselves either.  I wanted them to be the same, to be that honest, that truthful and that real but they could not.  Which saddened me more than they will ever know, or probably ever care.  I completely failed to see how their depth of knowledge and recognition in respect of my character could account for so little, and in turn be so easily disregarded. I have spent my entire life giving and giving to these kinds of people, only to find myself being ostracized when I ceased to be the proverbial people pleaser.  These types of people, I have come to realise prefer to align themselves with falseness, flatterers and arse kissers who give phony compliments purely to gain self-serving favours, or take advantage from others.

I treat people as I would like to be treated and in that regard I would rather deal with the truth no matter how bad that is, than grapple with falseness, dishonesty or half truths. But many people project and blame, and I have also come to realise, they do so because they are driven completely either by their own insignificance, or an outside influence that you have no control over.  And who you are then, now matter how honest, well meaning or loyal that is, can be crushed completely by that other person's ego and self serving opinion, with no thought, or even care by them of the impact it might have on you (the recipient), not then, not ever.  They will see you as collateral damage only.  

People, I have found, who are great at creating drama will tell themselves and others many half truths and even whole lies to reinforce and support their story.  And they can do it so much that eventually they even convince themselves of it’s supposed truth and then find themselves trapped by their own web of deception.  These types of people never listen to understand and empathise with the other person, nor do they talk to have a discussion, they just want what they want and that's the end of it.  They will do whatever it takes to shut you down and often fail to question their own negative behaviour to any depth other than surface level. Most likely they lack any real understanding, and are too busy projecting their own unresolved hurt outwards anyway.

When all of that happens you can feel crushed and find yourself in a world of pain, struggling to understand why the people you love and care about are not backing you, are dismissing you and not caring how any of it makes you feel.  This can lead you to trying to find that need for acceptance and significance with destructive behaviours; some people create drama and problems just for this very reason too.  And until you understand who you are, and why you do what you do, you can be driven by the need to feel special and important in all sorts of ways, both destructively and constructively.  I know I have battled with situations in my life that were emotionally and mentally crippling to me, times when I struggled with what felt like rejection, lack of love, care and abandonment all over again.  One time in particular, I went from feeling like I was a really good person, to feeling like I was the shittiest person on the planet, all because I wouldn't hoop jump and play the game of ‘telling you what you want to hear even if it's lies’!   I still don't get that, nor do I understand why people would rather hear bullshit and be fed a load of nonsense rather than deal with the truth.

That was my modus operandi for a couple of years, and it was slowly eroding my own sense of worth, judging myself as less until the day it changed.  I was talking about it with a very good friend of mine and she  asked me what I was more interested in.  Them being more honest and my being believed, or moving on and letting them just run their story, (of which they would instinctively know their own truth about, and karma would eventually deal with it anyway)  Good question, and it was one that I had not been asked before …. and after thinking about it for a while, I finally decided that I wanted to be far more committed to my personal happiness, than I did to being accepted and right.  I also decided that it was no longer important for them to see me in any particular way, since I knew at the deepest part of my being, who I most intrinsically was. I would continue moving forward, keep on learning, never stop trying or developing new things, embracing more and sharing all of it with the intention of empowering the world and everyone in it …   because that's who I am, not only kind, honest and caring, but naturally curious about people and life too.

I can only tell you the truth, I can’t make you believe in it.

Picturequotes.com

I have learnt that curiosity is the basis of all education, and also one of the greatest secrets to finding real happiness.  I totally bought into that idea especially since my curiosity always got the better of me, in many ways anyway. Even as a really young girl I often took things to pieces to see how they were put together, and funnily enough, I still do that now.  I am often compelled to take things like ‘fancy serum’ bottles apart to see how much serum there really is inside.  Just the other day I discovered that a 30ml bottle of vitamin E only contained 2ml of serum! And while I do appreciate clever marketing, I also found it a little annoying at the same time … but that my readers, is a whole other story!

As a teenager and young adult, being passionately curious, I buried myself in my books, often reading from early in the morning till very late into the night.  I read anything and everything including the tatty and very often dirty newspapers that the neighbours threw out everyday. I devoured tons of trashy magazines at the local library, and absorbed everything I could readily get my hands on.  I especially loved doing the newspaper crossword puzzles, and frequently used my very scruffy and very old dictionary that I had also found at a jumble sale, to educate myself by learning lots of new words everyday. That dictionary had no cover, several pages missing, and even had other pages that were scribbled all over, but it was still one of my most prized possessions, and because it was so trashed, it was also the one thing that my mother never tried to steal or sell!.  Bonus!

I also had a small transistor radio which I absolutely loved, because I could listen to the djs having fun on it every single day. I particularly loved the radio Luxembourg station, which broadcast fairly late into the night ….  But since I really didn't want to lose my radio, I had to be sure everyone was asleep before I turned it on, and even then I put it and my head under the pillow, and then I put all of that under the covers as well, just to block out any chance of the sound being heard.  I can still remember as a 13 or 14 year old child listening to a cool jingle for shampoo which went like this: “Alberto VO5 keeps your hair alive, keeps it shiny, shiny, shiny, like an apple”, and I can't tell you how much I used to wish I had that amazing shampoo! I learnt an awful lot from the DJs and their constant chatter on that pirate radio station, and thought it was really cool that they were broadcasting from out in the middle of the ocean.

I loved learning new things, not just from books or the radio, but also by watching people, noting how they behaved and the negative, or positive effect of their behaviour.  Over time I couldn't help but notice just how differently some people were treated from others.  It seemed to me that some were received well, while others were not, depending on how they were dressed and how they presented themselves.  It also seemed to me that educated people were treated much better and given more respect, simply because of the way they spoke and held themselves. And, it was largely because of that, that I decided that education was the thing, the one big thing that was going to make the world of difference for me too.  

I was going to study hard, get the best education I could, find a great job, buy my own home, and live an amazing life. I was only 14 years old when I thought about this and decided that this very big dream would one day be mine.  Especially because I felt, with absolute conviction, that the lousy life my parents had created along with their awful way of living was never, in a million years, going to be my future!   I wanted more for me and I wanted more for the family I knew I would one day have.   I may have been born into poverty and underprivileged, with little to no chance of getting more, but I wasn't going to let that stop me.  Even when people around me said I had three chances of making my dream come true and they were fat chance, no chance and what chance which was a ship that sailed a thousand years ago!  But I’d read many books authored by people who had come from nothing, and who had made incredible lives for themselves, and I knew that if they could do it, so could I.  

Purposely driving me was the determination to have more and be more, along with all consuming thoughts and feelings of the classic underdog. I knew that I had nothing to lose … and that I had absolutely everything to gain. 

Nothing feels better than doing what people say you can’t do!