Sit down and get strapped in and ride this roller coaster of emotional hell with me. It will start easy, but i worn it will get hairy. I was born to an unwed mother who thought more of her looks and herself than anything. She used getting pregnant with me as a way to try to force my father to stay with her and not the woman he would marry. For this I would suffer. My mother always said I ate too much and that I was too noisy and a pain. She really never had time for me. I grew up mainly with my grandparents and the only one out of them that treated me well was my grandfather, he treated me like I could do no wrong. My grandmother was mean always. On one occasion she wanted me to take a bath and I did not want to at that time, so she smacked me on the butt so hard I fell forward and broke my nose on the radiator in the bathroom. She refuses to admit that she did that. I lived with my grandparents and my mother in the same house until I was 21/2 years old. Thats when my mother married my step father, who then adopted me. 

I thought life would get better now that my mom was married and happy and I had a dad now. But no, it wasn't to be so, my mom got pregnant and had no time for me and my foolishness. My stepfather worked away from home all week and when he was home on the weekends he wanted peace and quiet. When my sister was born she came early and had to be put in the incubator and had a tube in her head so I had to go stay at my grandparents again for a little while so that my parents could be at the hospital with my sister. After a few weeks my parents could bring her home. I was told to keep away because she couldnt get sick or she would die. I thought why are they telling me this and to stay away I am not sick and I dont have germs. 

My parents continued for weeks to keep me away from my sister and then they felt it was okay to have me around her. But it was past the bonding stage I guess because whenever I was around her she just screamed and screamed. I would try to play with her with the toys in the crib, but she would just cry. I felt like a crappy big sister. My sister didn't like me, my mother didn't like me. She would call me a mistake and the biggest one she had ever made. So at the age of 3 years old I was already starting to feel the beginnings of what we now call depression, well I'm sure it was called depression back then but not in 3 year olds. 

I tried to be helpful with my sister and to be as good of a girl for my mom as I could so she wouldn't yell at me and call me names and a mistake. But it was useless. I was always doing something wrong. My sister got a little older and she started realize that my mother didn't really want me around and would believe anything about me, so she started to do things to get me in trouble. The more I said it was me the more I was called a liar. Many a night I went to bed without my dinner. By now i was feeling like I had nothing and no one in the world. Then I met the next door neightbors daughter. Everyone said that she was a little weird and my mom shouldn't let me hang out with her, but if it meant I was out of her way my mother didn't care. Then one day me and my friend were sitting in these concrete tubes talking and laughing when my mother came and drug me out of the tube and said I was to no longer see the girl again and I was filthy and dirty. I had no idea what she was talking about.When we got home my mom got the wooden spoon and started hitting me and she didn't care where it hit. She accused me of letting her touch me in places no one should be touching me in public, If I said she didn't then my mother would start hitting me with the spoon again. Then she sent me to my room with no dinner. I could not sit down and because she had hit my back too and thighs I was hurting all over, so I had to lay on the floor on my stomach.

Another time I got the wooden spoon so bad I had to lay down on my stomach was when me and my two sisters were at the playground and a man had brought his dog to the park, my sister asked could she pet him and the man said no. But my sister tried to pet the dog anyway. So, I had to rush her home to my mom and explain to my mom what had happened, and my mom said why didn't you stop her. I told my mom that after the man said no we were all turning to leave and she turned and touched the dog so fast I couldn't stop her. My mom said well your the oldest and when you go out with your sisters you are responsible for what happens to them, so when we get back from the doctors I will take care of you. My mom left me there at home by myself while she took my two sisters to the doctor to stitch and take care of my sisters hand. I was so upset and sad I thought that there was just nothing I could do to make my mom happy or to make her love me like she does my sisters. I wondered what I had done so wrong to deserve this, why was I being treated like this by the person who is supposed to love you the most. 

When my mom got home from the doctor she told me that my sister was lucky she had almost lost her last two fingers. She asked me if I had, had enough time to think on what my punishment should be for almost letting my sister lose fingers. I just looked wide eyed at my mother. I had no idea what to say. What do you say to that when you are 6? I just shook my head no. So my mom said she would just have to think of something then. My mom was an evil woman when she wanted to be. So now I was scared of what she would think of to do to me. She always said her mom was evil and vindictive, but she was just like her. I just ran up to my room and awaited the inevitable. Whatever she thought of wasn't going to be good. About an hour later my dad came home,because i didn't know any different, I wouldn't know that for many mant years to come, I could hear my sister doing her usual fake crying all over again and saying how I hadn't stopped the dog from biting her. 

We moved a lot when I was young, until at the age of 7 we settled in the small village of Saham Toney, near Norwich  in Norfolk.