My Empty Shoes

...........and other poems

I see you
staring at my empty shoes
where your boys feet should be
running
dancing
and living

I know what you are thinking
you’re going over
the things you taught me
all the times you said
don’t do that – but always do this
to be safe
so nothing would steal me from you

You’re sifting through
anxieties gone
what frightened you most
what may bring me to harm
of the times you told me
not to speak to strangers
not to linger too long
on my way to school
and to always
look left
and right
before my feet touched the road

I kept the money safe
as you told me
in my wallet
in the back pocket of my jeans
I was nearly there
the list in my hand
of bread
milk
and ice lollies for us all

And I did
look left
and to my right
thought it was safe
once my feet hit the crossing
thought the car was coming slow
thought they saw me
in my bright red sweatshirt
thought they’d stop

And now
all you have
is my empty room
my lonely toys
my hollow clothes
my empty shoes
and hate
circles you
every morning
and through the night
all because of her

You think she’s an evil woman
who drank herself numb
to kill a young life
and that her sentence
for the crime
was a joke
You think she got away
as free as a bird

I wish you could see her
like I can

You may still choose to hate
for all she’s taken
but you would know
she will never be free
of the sunny afternoon
when her and I
crashed together

She stares into space
just like you

I don’t know her thoughts
because I don’t know her
like my mother
but I do know
her family – hardly speak to her
her friends – she has no friends
and she tells her psychiatrist
she drinks even more now
because
I’ll always be in her mind

You think it’s been a waste
all those things you told me
and the times you worried
when I was sick
when I cried with child despair
and each time I got well
you felt you’d won the battle
raised me up
new again
made everything better

But that’s what mothers do
throughout this great earth
loving
worrying
sighing with relief
mending the broken things

It’s just a such a pity
I never got to say
thanks mum – for trying
because – that is all we have

When the world says....can't
I say....can!

When gates are bolted
I say....
it's time to crack the locks
gate crash the secret places
find how life really works

Too many years of
can't
won't
impossible
no way in
no way out
prisoner of beliefs
but never my creation

Slipping into my black sheep coat
ready to turn tables
empty temples
where fake hope is sold
like cheap chocolate

Truth screams
like the savage cat in the bag
if only I could tear at the lies
and set them running wild

I don't care
I'm a black sheep
hated by those
who think they have answers

Why would I want
to dress in their skin
when I can stand
confident
unique fashion
and turn the world upside-down